


and like that, you're becoming the night

by heartrecord, shadowkissed



Category: TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band)
Genre: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Alternate Universe - Persona Fusion, Angst, Canon-Typical Violence, Developing Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Minor Character Death, Slow Burn, Will add tags as the story progresses, buckle down everyone this will be a Ride, mildly antagonistic teammates to friends to lovers, minor beomjun, minor yonghee/seunghun
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-10
Updated: 2021-02-05
Packaged: 2021-03-18 19:15:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 40,810
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28623180
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heartrecord/pseuds/heartrecord, https://archiveofourown.org/users/shadowkissed/pseuds/shadowkissed
Summary: “what are you doing!?” beomgyu asks in disbelief. “you do realise we’re in danger here, right? do you want to die?”“... i don’t really care,” soobin says.what?he turns to look at him then, expression indicating that beomgyu’s words haven’t affected him in the least. “is dying really that scary to you, beomgyu ssi?”in which two boys learn about each other, and in the process, what it means to live.
Relationships: Choi Beomgyu/Choi Soobin
Comments: 21
Kudos: 88





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> cw: guns, blood, violence (which isn't that explicitly described but better safe than sorry), mentions of heavy topics like death. please only proceed if you're comfortable with these. 
> 
> this fic is based on persona 3 with a few changes here and there, and while the main focus is the development of soobin and beomgyu's relationship, it will also cover major points of the plot. if you are unfamiliar with p3, feel free to read up on it or watch the movies for better understanding before coming back to this! but you can also jump straight into the story since the terms are going to be explained in the narration, as well as in the term index below. all other idols besides txt that will make an appearance in this are from stray kids, cix and the boyz.
> 
> edited to add 9/2/21: here's a [playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/39OQgqzYd4kwcwsPes8Lg6?si=MJs_4jyiTgOuy8uxjpSSpQ) if you'd like to listen to music while reading! 
> 
> **Important terms index:**  
>  _Dark Hour_ : the 25th hour of the day where everything freezes up. only a few 'chosen' people are awake during this hour while the rest of the people are turned into coffins, the monsters come out during this hour  
>  _Transmorgify_ : the act of turning into coffins during the dark hour  
>  _Shadow_ : the monsters that appear during the dark hour to attack people who aren't transmorgified  
>  _Tartarus_ : a tower that appears during the dark hour, the shadows' lair basically  
>  _Evoker_ : a gun-like item used by persona users to summon their personas  
>  _Persona_ : a battle form that is summoned to fight shadows, the forms are based by the person's personality.

_emerging from the curve of the bridge, your face peeked from the end of the road_

_I wonder how much there is left_

_how many more times will we be able to meet, this spring_

_– spring thief, yorushika_

* * *

it’s terribly anomalous, this scene right now. 

beomgyu usually doesn’t point a gun at people, he wasn’t born in a household where he was trained to do that in the first place. but it’s been a while since his circumstances have changed, so when he sees a boy with dusty blue hair in the dorm lounge in the middle of the night (during the _dark hour_ , why wasn’t he transmorgifed?), of course his first instinct would be to pull out his evoker and aim it at the stranger.

the silver barrel of the gun glistens under the reddish lighting. it always feels so eerie being in the dark hour. the 25th hour of the day where the whole world is asleep. beomgyu is one of the unlucky ones who stay awake every night, along with some people who are designated as victims of the creatures creeping in the night, the _shadows_.

he is not sure what this guy is supposed to be, and that terrifies him.

“who are you?” he asks. his fingers tremble around the gun, something he mentally curses himself for. 

_come on beomgyu it’s been two whole months you should have gotten over it by now_. 

the boy just blinks at him, which somehow grates on his nerves. he’s about to repeat himself when he feels a hand on his shoulder, hears someone say

“beomgyu, wait.”

oh. it’s yeonjun. 

beomgyu turns to look at him, and upon the older’s reassuring nod, puts the evoker down. 

“i didn’t think you’d arrive so late,” yeonjun says, walking towards the boy. “name’s choi yeonjun, i’m one of the students who live in this dorm.” 

“yeonjun hyung, who _is_ he?” beomgyu still isn’t exactly thrilled with the situation, but yeonjun seems to know him so he guesses he isn’t a complete rando who chose to break into their dorm.

at this, yeonjun turns back towards him, blinking. “didn’t i tell you? he’s the transfer student that’s going to be living with us from now on. it was a last minute decision to assign him here. ” 

“huh?” beomgyu stares at him. “what transfer student -” 

oh, wait. beomgyu remembers now. 

he remembers and he wants to dissolve into the floor they’re standing on because of course their first meeting would go like this. in his head, he is in a circus and he needs to get off the stage right now. 

however in his defense, this boy had shown up out of nowhere during the dark hour looking completely unaffected by it, which shouldn’t have been the case if he had been a normal person. beomgyu had every right to be suspicious. 

“...oh,” he chooses to say instead, very lamely. “so you’re the one yeonjun hyung mentioned. um. hey.” 

he would like nothing more than to pitch himself headfirst to the next dimension right now. 

there’s an amused smile on yeonjun’s lips, as if he knows of beomgyu’s inner turmoil. their new dorm mate on the other hand doesn’t look all that bothered by beomgyu’s terrible greeting, just nods. “it’s nice to meet you,” he says, finally. “i’m choi soobin.” 

“y-yeah.” beomgyu rubs the back of his neck. “my name’s choi beomgyu. it’s... nice to meet you too.” even though nothing about their meeting is _nice._

now that he has his evoker back in its holster, he can breathe a little easier, knowing that soobin is just a human. _human_ , beomgyu thinks. _but inhuman at the same time_. after all, he didn’t so much as flinch even when he was held at gunpoint.

there is also the way soobin is staring at him with a blank, impassive face, that sets him slightly on edge. however he chooses to swallow all his questions that are already swimming in his head, deciding that there will be a time someday. preferably when beomgyu is in his right mind enough to not make a fool of himself.

for now, soobin is just a (slightly mysterious) transfer student. and beomgyu is just a person with his own set of issues. 

nothing more, nothing less. 

* * *

a list of things that’s happened since then:

1\. soobin settles in the dorm and at school just fine. he only really talks when he has to, never initiating conversation himself. for the most part, he just acknowledges people with a nod. beomgyu tried not to feel too put off when he turned down his offer to show him around with a tone that seemed like he couldn’t care less. keyword: tried. 

2\. the chairman has them monitor soobin in the control room while he’s asleep. it’s to confirm whether or not he has the potential; the power to survive in the dark hour, so to speak. beomgyu couldn't help feeling weird about this - it's akin to treating the new guy like a guinea pig. 

and finally 

3\. it’s supposed to be a normal thursday night but it is not because the dorm is under attack. 

yes, you heard that right. the dorm is under attack and it’s all because hyunjin decided to lure the shadow he was fighting there in the spur of the moment. 

“hyunjin, what were you _thinking_ -”

“i know you want to yell at me hyung but save it for later, it’ll be here any second.” 

something had flashed for a brief second in yeonjun’s eyes (irritation?) but was gone as soon as it appeared. “fine.” he reached for his evoker at the very same moment the ground began to shake beneath them. 

“mr chairman, please head for the control room! beomgyu, hurry upstairs and wake soobin up. then escape out the back.” with the way yeonjun gave out instructions as naturally as breathing, beomgyu could only wonder why he hadn’t been appointed leader yet. 

“wait, what about you two?”

“we’ll hold it off here. since you led it to us hyunjin i’m afraid you’ll have to fight.”

“oh like i had a choice,” hyunjin sniped back before he turned to meet eyes with beomgyu. “what’s holding you up, gyu? go!” 

“i’m going!” 

which brings them back to the present. beomgyu has just reached the back door with soobin in tow, fingers wrapped around the boy’s wrist from where he practically pulled him along in his haste. “alright, we should be safe now,” he breathes. 

he hopes yeonjun and hyunjin aren’t doing too badly in fending the shadow off, he’s more than aware of how ugly things can get. as if he knows he’s thinking about him, yeonjun’s voice sounds through the transceiver in his pocket at that exact moment. 

“beomgyu, do you read me?” 

beomgyu immediately fumbles for the transceiver, pulling it out once his fingers close around it. “yes, i hear you!” 

“be careful!” yeonjun warns, tone urgent. “there’s more than one enemy. the one we’re fighting isn’t the one hyunjin saw!” 

“what!?” 

something slams against the back door then, and beomgyu almost jumps in place. oh god. 

“l-let’s pull back, come on!” he starts for the stairs, soobin merely following without a single word. 

_why isn’t he reacting to any of this? shouldn’t he be panicking?_

they’ve made it to the second floor when soobin suddenly lets go of his hand. “huh?” beomgyu turns back, confused. “soobin ssi?” 

soobin isn’t listening. he’s looking out the window instead. “the moon…” he murmurs, like it’s more important than the fact that they are literally in the middle of an attack. 

“what are you doing!?” beomgyu asks in disbelief. “you do realise we’re in danger here, right? do you _want_ to die?” 

“... i don’t really care,” soobin says. 

_what?_

he turns to look at him then, expression indicating that beomgyu’s words haven’t affected him in the least. “is dying really that scary to you, beomgyu ssi?” 

beomgyu finds himself at a loss, too bewildered to think of a proper response. he was right to think there was something off about this guy from the very first moment he saw him. 

“how…” he starts once he’s found his voice again. “how can you say that?” 

they don’t have time to linger on this conversation because the entire building shakes at that very moment, and before beomgyu can even blink, there’s a shadow at the very same window soobin was staring out of. 

beomgyu’s throat suddenly feels very dry. “what in the world is that…?” 

it’s clearly different from the shadows he’s seen before. it’s larger in size, and beomgyu doesn’t have to be a genius to know there’s got to be a difference in strength. his train of thought is effectively cut off by the shadow smashing the window, and on instinct beomgyu is yelling for soobin to look out before tackling him to the floor. 

there’s glass everywhere, and pain shoots up his left leg when he tries to move, making him wince. a quick glance tells him that there’s a cut, blood seeping through the small rip in his pant leg that hadn’t been there before. 

must’ve caught on one of the glass shards then. 

great. okay. that’s great. like this night could have gotten any better anyways. 

he tries to ignore the stinging sensation coming from the cut as he pulls soobin up and makes a break for the rooftop. there’s no other place he can think of and if there’s shadows there then that’s just their rotten luck, isn’t it? 

to his mild surprise, the rooftop is deserted. beomgyu’s just about to think he can finally breathe when the shadow from earlier climbs up the edge of the roof, proving him wrong. 

well. that was a short lived moment of relief. 

“you have got to be kidding me,” he groans. what he would give for this to be _over_ already. “it climbed up the wall? i didn’t think they could do that!” 

he turns to face soobin, whose eyes have widened, lips parted slightly. however, he still doesn’t look scared. 

what a strange person this boy is. 

“run,” he tells him, fingers already reaching for his evoker. “i’ll fight it. i have to.” 

after all, who else can get them out from this mess right now if not him? 

slowly, he aims the evoker to his forehead. breathes in, then out. he can do this now. surely he can do this now. 

and yet. 

he can’t pull the trigger because his hands just won’t stop shaking, the panic slowly filling him turning his breathing unsteady as the shadow inches closer with each passing second. beomgyu needs to hurry up and do something or else he’s going to get both of them killed. 

clearly he’s taken too long to get his shit together because the next thing he knows he’s been knocked aside, leaving soobin defenseless. everything goes dark for a while and it’s painful and terrible but distantly beomgyu thinks he deserves it for being so damn useless in a situation like this. 

when he manages to open his eyes again, the first thing he sees is the moon. it’s full tonight. usually looking at the moon would calm him down, but now all it does is remind him of how badly this is going. 

soobin has no means of defeating that thing, beomgyu can’t even move, and now they’re both going to die. he’s going to fall here when he hasn’t managed to forgive himself for what happened two months ago, when he hasn’t learned the truth about anything yet -

his thoughts are interrupted by the sound of a gunshot and the flash of bright light that follows it. he turns his head just enough to make out soobin holding his evoker to his head. oh. it must’ve fallen out of his hand.

but more than that, there was something floating above him. something that looked like -

“a persona,” he says, quiet wonder coloring his tone. “so he does have the power after all.”

all he can do is watch the scene that unfolds before him, breath catching in his throat as soobin’s persona convulses until it’s ripped apart from the inside, allowing a different persona to burst from within it. the new persona lunges at the shadow, slicing its mask neatly in half with its blade. just as the shadow is splitting apart, it grabs a tendril of it and squeezes it into nothingness, before reverting back to the persona from earlier. 

beomgyu’s never seen anything like this before. 

what follows next is the sound of soobin’s ragged breathing, then a thud as he hits the ground. 

he’s on his feet in an instant, running towards him. “soobin ssi,” he calls out, dropping down to his knees beside him. “soobin ssi, hey,” he tries again. “are you okay?” he’s shaking him lightly by the shoulders now, he has no idea why he’s as worried as he is. “come on, answer me!” 

soobin’s eyes remain closed and dread creeps into beomgyu’s entire being. this can’t be happening. not again. 

yeonjun and hyunjin choose that exact moment to burst through the door. “are you both alright!?” yeonjun asks, hurrying over to them. “hyung, he’s…” beomgyu looks up at him, wonders if his panic is evident. “he’s not waking up.” 

“okay. okay, we’ll just ...” yeonjun runs a hand through his hair, distressed. “first things first we need to get him to the hospital. the dark hour will end soon, we’ll call for an ambulance then.” 

the panic really must be showing on his face because yeonjun squats down to place a reassuring hand on his shoulder. “i believe he’ll be fine, beomgyu. it’s probably just the exhaustion from summoning your persona for the first time. it happened to me too.”

beomgyu can only hope that he’s right. 

* * *

truth to be told, beomgyu still doesn’t quite know how to feel about soobin being able to summon a persona. 

he knows that there are probably other persona users out there - yeonjun had told him before that there were always possibilities of running into them, and that not all of them would have good intentions. 

beomgyu just thinks that the transfer student being one of them unsettles him a little. there’s just something about the timing of it all that makes beomgyu wonder whether this was planned out by the fates or whatnot. 

“the chairman's gonna ask him to join us tomorrow night,” yeonjun tells him while they’re eating dinner together. soobin had just been discharged after a week of being in the hospital, but yeonjun had insisted he still get some more rest. soobin had simply listened to him without a word. beomgyu supposes nobody could ever really oppose yeonjun even if they wanted to. 

but back to the topic at hand. 

he pauses, looking up from his noodles. “him?” he jabs his chopsticks upwards at the second floor where soobin’s room is. “join us?” waves the chopsticks at the both of them. “yes that’s basically what i just said,” yeonjun responds. “and please stop waving your chopsticks around like that, you’re going to poke either of us in the eye.” 

“no i won’t,” beomgyu snorts. he stops doing it regardless. 

needless to say, this doesn’t exactly come as a surprise. having another persona user on their side _would_ benefit them. their team isn’t exactly teeming with people at the moment, with only four of them as their members, so it’d make sense that the chairman would jump at the chance to acquire another person. 

“well i hope he agrees,” yeonjun says. “exploring tartarus will be a little bit more easier if he does.”

 _tartarus_. beomgyu stares back down at his cup noodles, gnawing on the inside of his cheek. _right_. 

tartarus, the tower their school turns into during the dark hour, and supposedly where all the shadows are hiding when they are not out there attacking people.

they haven’t been there since the first time beomgyu went. partly because they were lacking in numbers, and partly because one run in with a shadow got beomgyu shaken up so bad yeonjun had avoided from venturing into tartarus again until he thought they were completely ready.

it's one thing to say that he was ready for what the tower had in store for him. the reality is not as exciting. not once he walked into tartarus, with shadows lurking in every corner ready to get the upper hand on them if they so much as let their guard down; beomgyu’s nerves had gotten to him, making him forget even the basics of what he learned in combat training. 

it's not so exciting when you run into _the reaper_ of all things. beomgyu hadn’t been prepared at all, and there was nothing else he felt at that moment aside from pure fear that he would die here before he could even begin to do something meaningful with his life. darkness seemed to wrap around him like a cocoon, swallowing him whole. the helplessness of the situation was only intensified when he tried to summon his persona but failed, because. he. couldn’t. pull. the. goddamn. trigger. 

just as he had come to terms with the fact that this was the end, a cry sounded from the end of the corridor, telling him to get away. _seunghun_. seunghun, who went to distract the reaper so beomgyu could run. 

seunghun, who let out the most blood curdling scream beomgyu had ever heard the very moment he managed to get to the entrance. he hasn’t forgotten how the color drained from yeonjun and hyunjin’s faces, how terrified they had looked. 

that one particular scream still haunts beomgyu’s dreams to this day, how it echoed through the whole building while he could do nothing but run, heartbeat loud in his ears. it sickens him that he only managed to escape just because seunghun tried to face the reaper in his stead. 

it should've been him. he should've been the one to face the consequences of his own shortcomings. 

now seunghun's in the hospital and beomgyu can't even bring himself to come see him knowing that seunghun was severely injured to the point where he nearly didn't make it, and all because of _him_. 

“beomgyu,” yeonjun's voice rips him away from his daylight nightmare. he feels the warmth engulfing his own hand, only realizing now that his hand that is holding the chopsticks is shaking. “are you okay?” he asks.

it’s been two months since then and beomgyu’s fingers still tremble when holding the evoker. of course he isn't okay. it pains him to think about just how mentally weak he still is. so he pushes those thoughts to the back of his mind, hums in response. "yeah, why wouldn't i be?" he smiles, clutching his chopsticks tighter to regain control of his hand. "i hope he agrees too."

yeonjun isn't an easy person to fool. he knows that beomgyu isn't entirely telling the truth, and he is not pushing him to lay everything out in the open. that's one of the things that makes it so hard for beomgyu to not like him. 

“you've seen him in action up close. wouldn't it ease your mind to have someone like him in our team?”

the question has beomgyu nibbling his lower lip at first, though eventually he nods. “i guess so, though it'd take time until i can trust him with my life.”

“you don't trust anyone with your life, anyways. stop kidding yourself.” yeonjun snorts, ruffling his hair as he gets up to leave.

it turns out that there are times even choi yeonjun can be wrong too, because if it was him then beomgyu could easily do just that. but soobin? he wonders if he could even work with, let alone trust such an aloof person who won't showcase his feelings on his (stupidly handsome) face. 

still, there’s the possibility of getting to see soobin in battle properly this time and beomgyu would be lying if he said he wasn’t looking forward to that.

* * *

everything goes by so quickly after soobin agreed to join them without much trouble. 

he does not seem to be weirded out by the concept of fighting monsters and potentially losing your life during the dark hour. beomgyu should have seen it coming from how fascinated he looked when he picked up his evoker that day. the silver gun was shining in his hand, but the gleam in his eyes was brighter under the moonlight.

soobin, the person who put a gun to his own head without any hesitation on the first night of his shadow encounter.

sometimes, beomgyu looks at him with a sickening twist of jealousy in his guts. how can someone be so emotionless, and strong enough that he is not afraid to die? how can someone hide a darkness so pitch black inside them that it's more terrifying than what they are facing?

he spends days after days pondering over this, watching soobin from the corner of his eyes in the training room. there is never a good time to begin a conversation, not when every time he goes up to him to say hi, he'd be met with a pair of cold eyes blinking up at him and a disinterested _hello_ that sucks away all the courage he has gathered to be friendly towards this distant newcomer.

yeonjun thinks it's okay, allows soobin to train on his own after asking hyunjin to teach him the basics since he thought a short sword would suit him. beomgyu thought he’d be at least a little bit awkward at first, considering his tall build and long limbs. he’s proven wrong when soobin picks up swordsmanship shockingly quickly, adapting to it like a fish to water. 

hyunjin takes pride in his sword wielding abilities, but it’s soobin who cuts down the shadows more often than not, movements clean and precise, only summoning his persona to deliver the final blow. 

distantly, beomgyu thinks with a sick mixture of awe and envy, _this is how a persona user fights_.

“i could've done that too, but of course i had to give the taste of victory to the rookie,” hyunjin says smugly afterwards, while beomgyu tries to hold back his snicker because he knows from the twitch of the older boy’s brow that he isn’t as pleased with this turn of events as he appears to be. 

“thank you,” soobin says. “can we go back now?”

the two are left to watch as soobin walks away, headphones over his ears, blocking himself off from the world. just like that, he cuts off the very same people who are supposed to be his teammates.

“well.” hyunjin shakes his head, almost in disbelief. “an interesting one we got here, huh?”

interesting. that was one way to put it. 

but honestly, how is beomgyu supposed to trust him when he is behaving like this?

the whole mysterious demeanor acts as a double edged sword to beomgyu. he can’t deny that it intrigues him, how soobin just accepts all the tasks given to him without any question and carries them out with little to no problems. however, it also gets under his skin. 

soobin is what beomgyu _needs_ to be. he is strong, he is not afraid of the possibility of dying, and he is not emotionally attached to any of their team members in case casualties were to happen. he’s a far cry from beomgyu who had to learn the hard way.

maybe that’s one reason why it irks him so much when soobin is appointed to lead their operations. soobin, who just got here and barely has any experience yet is already so good in combat. it frustrates beomgyu to no end. 

“hyung, are you sure you’re okay with this? he’s still new!” beomgyu says in hushed whispers, cornering yeonjun in the training room.

yeonjun just shrugs. “i’m fine with it, honestly. try looking at him objectively, why don’t you? he’s good with the sword, and he can summon multiple personas. i didn’t even think that was possible before.”

 _he might already be better than me_ , are the words that are left unsaid, yet hang in the air all the same. 

“but he is... choi soobin,” he trails off, fidgeting under yeonjun's questioning stare. “i feel like he will leave us to die in a mission, and that's not very leader like.”

yeonjun’s eyebrows lift so high they almost disappear into his hairline. 

before he can ask about it though, the door to the training room opens and soobin walks in. beomgyu freezes, hoping with all his might that the walls are thick enough that soobin hadn’t heard any of that. 

however soobin appears unbothered as ever, merely nodding to them both in lieu of greeting before getting started on his warm ups. 

figures. beomgyu shouldn’t have worried. 

* * *

their first official mission takes place on the night of a full moon.

yeonjun had detected a shadow outside of tartarus and they’d been dispatched to take care of it before it could possibly destroy the city. 

there are so many things about this that are stressing him out. one, they’re on a _moving_ monorail that could crash at any moment if they don’t get this done soon. two, this shadow isn’t an ordinary one. it reminds beomgyu of the one that attacked the dorm back in april. and three, they are having a harder time defeating it then they’d expected. 

hyunjin’s already tried everything he possibly can. he’s struck it over and over with his sword, has cast the agi spell multiple times with his persona until he is slumped down on the floor, energy running dangerously low. hyunjin has always looked so cool with how he always seemed to fight with ease, and now beomgyu has to watch, sick with apprehension when hyunjin shoots him a pained smile.

“it's up to you now, gyu.”

panic spreads over him, because there is no way he can take down the monster with his dual blades alone. not when he still has seunghun's screams plaguing his mind from the last time he couldn't live up to their expectations. but this is not a game, and he knows that the ending is coming towards them in the shape of this monster. he is going to fail hyunjin. he is going to fail yeonjun who’s been his support this entire time. 

that's what he thought, dual blades a few feet away from him and shaky fingers on his evoker, until soobin comes over to him. “how long are you going to play around?”

his teary eyes find soobin's impassive ones before they lose focus, vision turning blurry just as soobin points the gun to the side of his own head and shoots, murmuring his persona’s name. see, if there’s anything that beomgyu has noticed about him, it’s this; soobin is always watching, and when push comes to shove he comes in to steal the show. he saves their asses too, that's what soobin does. is what he’s doing right now. 

he also has this bad habit of overexerting himself, which he probably isn’t even aware of, fighting the shadow on his own and not stopping to catch his breath until he is certain of his victory. 

once the battle is won and the threat has been eliminated, he manages to stop the monorail from crashing into another train before he sways on his feet and promptly collapses into beomgyu’s arms.

* * *

when soobin recovers enough to come back to practice after their last mission, beomgyu doesn’t greet him like anyone normally would. no, the first thing he does as soon as soobin walks through the door is pick a fight with him. 

the anger had been brewing steadily inside him for the past few days while watching soobin sleep at the hospital wing that the strikes he delivers towards him are disoriented ones. even a rookie can block all his strikes without breaking a sweat. it's not that all surprising when both his blades are sent flying to the corner of the training room with a clatter.

nonetheless, beomgyu still marches towards him with his hands bare. soobin could easily have used the training sword in his hands to get an advantage over him. except he doesn’t do anything, just lets beomgyu push him down onto the mat. 

soobin just lays down there as beomgyu grabs him by the collar of his uniform.

 _idiot_ , beomgyu thinks. _what an idiot_. 

“why did you have to help me?”

even when placed in this kind of situation, soobin still gives him that stoic look. beomgyu wants to hate him. he really does. but there is no way he can do that when he saved his life. not when he is holding beomgyu's wrists so gently that he can't feel the force when his larger hands pry his own away.

“you’re in my team,” soobin says calmly, like the answer should be obvious. “you would watch my six, too.”

“would i? you don't even know me,” beomgyu tips his head back with a laugh, breathing slowly evening out as he sits there on top of the latter. his hands are still being held gently, strangely giving him a silent comfort. “you don't even care about us, or anything at all, why did you bother saving my life back then?”

there is a silence, before soobin parts his lips with a sigh. “i do care about you,” he says, so casually, blissfully unaware that beomgyu's heart stops for a beat. “i care about hyunjin and yeonjun hyung, too. you guys are my teammates.”

the effort beomgyu puts into trying to stay mad is monumental. he tries not to let the anger drain from his face. but it's hard, not when soobin's eyes are softening. not when he looks like he meant it, as if he hasn't been treating the both of them like nothing more than two people who happen to exist in the same space over the past few weeks.

“then act like it!” beomgyu says finally, snatching his hands away from soobin’s grip. 

the warmth from his hands linger around beomgyu's wrists like a fading tattoo.

“how?” soobin blinks at him. “i stand in for you when you can’t fight, is that not caring enough?”

oh. that stings. 

“i can fight just fine,” he hisses, willing himself to believe it. “what i mean is you need to start _looking_ at me, choi soobin. pay attention to me! talk to me like i'm your friend, not like you want me gone as soon as possible!”

as soon as the words leave his mouth, he wants to dig himself a hole and never come out of it because there is no way he just told choi soobin to pay attention to _him_ specifically and not _us_ as in the whole team. 

he looks away, embarrassment threatening to make his cheeks flush. 

soobin is quiet for a beat, two. the silence slowly becomes uncomfortable. beomgyu wishes he would say something, anything.

then 

“... i don’t want you gone though.” 

this catches beomgyu’s attention. he blinks back down at soobin and he’s… he’s staring at him. those deep, dark eyes are actually looking at him, maybe right through him; his gaze is ridiculously intense. “i don’t want you gone,” soobin repeats.

and beomgyu -

beomgyu wants to _burn_. 

* * *

“seunghun’s getting discharged soon.” 

yeonjun brings it up casually enough, but as soon as he says it, beomgyu goes very still. seunghun’s getting discharged from the hospital. after two months of his absence in the dorm, he’s coming back. seunghun is _coming back_. 

“oh,” he finally manages to get out. “he is?” yeonjun hums in affirmation. “the doctor said he’s made a full recovery, though he still needs to take it easy for a while.”

relief washes over beomgyu in waves. it’s as if his guilt has lessened somewhat upon hearing that seunghun’s recovered - that seunghun is going to be okay. it’s not gone completely, it probably won’t disappear anytime soon, but beomgyu allows himself this small reprieve. 

“will he be joining us on the front lines again?” he asks. yeonjun smiles at him, all knowing. “pretty sure he’d sulk for days if i didn’t let him.” 

a soft chuckle. 

“seunghun’s always been a fighter, after all.”

* * *

sure enough, seunghun returns to the dorm two days later. 

he’s all sunny smiles and loud laughs and generally acting like a person who wasn’t on the brink of death just months prior. hyunjin all but tackles him, yelling “oh my god seunghun hyung’s out of the drabby hospital clothes!” which gets an eye roll out of seunghun, but he’s chuckling when he says “i missed you too, you brat.”

yeonjun just watches with a fond smile on his face, and beomgyu? he doesn’t even know how to react. 

can you blame him, honestly? he hasn’t seen seunghun since he got admitted into the hospital, had been too weighed down by the guilt to come visit that at one point yeonjun had stopped asking if he wanted to go. he knows he needs to say something instead of standing around like an idiot but the words just won’t come. 

it’s seunghun who acknowledges him first. “hey, beomgyu.” his smile has softened around the edges. “it’s been a long time since we’ve seen each other, huh? how are you?” 

“oh, i’ve…” _been beating myself up endlessly since what happened to you? been trying to handle my evoker without my fingers betraying me every damn time?_ “i’ve been okay, seunghun hyung,” he says with a smile so forced it pains even himself. “it’s... it’s good to have you back.” 

seunghun hums, and his smile is sadder somehow. it’s obvious that he’s unconvinced but he doesn’t push further because that’s just the kind of person he is. “yeah. i’m glad to be back too.” 

it’s so awkward between them when it shouldn’t be. it doesn’t help that beomgyu can feel the weight of a stare at the back of his head. when he turns slightly, he’s not that surprised to see soobin leaning against the wall with his arms folded, gazing directly at him.

he always seems to have his eyes on beomgyu even though he’d rather be invisible to the world.

 _especially_ when he’d rather be invisible to the world. 

funny how he was the one who yelled at soobin to pay attention to him. he’s starting to think that he made a mistake. 

soon enough, he excuses himself to go to the bathroom if only to escape the uncomfortable situation. he ends up staying in there for way too long, staring at his reflection in the mirror with his evoker held tightly in his hand. 

slowly, he points it to his forehead, eyes firm and unshaken as he gathers up all his determination to shoot just to have the gun clatter onto the sink as the tremor in his fingers return. 

“and you thought you've gotten better…” he whispers as he picks it back up, smiling bitterly. 

being afraid of dying is one thing, but it’s harder when he can't get rid of seunghun's friendly smile from his head. he had talked to him like it was nothing, like he hadn't wasted two months of his life in a hospital bed because of beomgyu's inability to summon his persona. it would have been better if seunghun had scolded him instead. it’s what he deserves. 

“was that him? the reason you never use your evoker anymore?” 

beomgyu almost drops the gun again, or screams at soobin who had seemingly materialised out of thin air.

he’s thankful he did none of that when he slowly turns to face him. “... i do use it.” 

“not when it matters.”

“why do you care anyway?” he sucks on his teeth, irritation bubbling up inside him. “don’t you have better things to do than to rub salt into the wound?” it’s ironic how annoyed he is with him right now even though he was the one who was so persistent in making soobin talk to him. 

"how can i trust you to take care of yourself in battle when you can’t even summon your persona?”

“i can still fight without doing that!”

“does that make you any different from a normal person then?”

the jab goes straight through his chest, and he knows that soobin had meant for it to hurt, judging from the challenging edge in his tone. what’s worse is that beomgyu knows he has every right to call him out for this. if soobin hadn’t shown up, the team probably would’ve been done for. 

“yeah, seunghun hyung’s the reason. so what? what will you do, then?” he is almost shouting, only to stumble back when soobin moves closer. he's lightheaded from the quick movement, but the feeling only amplifies when he registers that soobin is so, so close to the point that he can only feel him.

not the damp air of the bathroom, nor the unpleasant smell. only soobin.

he doesn’t even remember his evoker being taken out of his grip, until soobin lifts it up. “fix it,” he says, pressing the barrel of the gun lightly to his cheek. their close proximity and soobin’s low voice sends a shiver down his spine. “how long do you plan on staying like this, choi beomgyu?” 

beomgyu snatches the evoker from his hand and glares at him. “i _know_ , okay?” he mutters. “i know.” 

he really detests how soobin had to be the one to tell him this when the answer to his problem was obvious all along. 

the answer comes in the form of a late night trip down the dimly lit corridor of the second floor.

it's 2 am and beomgyu is standing in front of the door of seunghun’s room, blanket wrapped around himself and a hand lifted to knock. perhaps he has been thinking too loudly, or shuffling around the corridor like some suspicious presence, that the door swings open before he can land his knuckles on the wooden surface.

if only he could shrink into his blanket, he wouldn't have to face seunghun who is staring at him with weary, yet alert eyes. his heart aches at just being in the same space with the older again. 

“beomgyu?” seunghun blinks, confused. “why are you -”

“i'm sorry,” he blurts out, interrupting him. the words he had prepared prior to his trip down the corridor suddenly escape his mind. they’re stuck in his throat like thorns, unable to be spoken out until the only thing he’s capable of saying is ‘sorry’. 

“what... beomgyu, who told you to do this?” seunghun sounds exhausted now. he would be too, if he had to deal with his pathetic self. 

“i'm sorry,” _for being so weak, for running away even though i should have stayed, that you have to clean up my mess._ ‘i'm sorry,” _for not visiting you, for being a coward, for being a deadweight to the team._ “seunghun hyung, i’m so -”

“will you stop that?” seunghun laughs, his voice watery, as he reaches forward for beomgyu's hand and pulls him into a hug. 

the blanket slides off his shoulder, pooling on the floor around his feet. he doesn’t realise he’s crying until he spots the wet spot on seunghun’s sleep shirt from where he pressed his face onto it. 

“if this is about what happened to me, please don’t feel guilty about it anymore,” seunghun murmurs. “i was the one who told you to run, remember? it wasn’t your fault. it never has been.” 

“but hyung,” beomgyu protests shakily. “if i hadn’t been so useless you wouldn’t have -”

“hey.” seunghun stops him, voice firmer now. “you dealt with the reaper on your very first tartarus trip, of _course_ you panicked. it’s not your fault, beomgyu.” he softens. “it’s not your fault. you don’t owe me any apologies. okay?” 

“hyung you could’ve ran with me, why did you have to -” 

“beomgyu.” 

well. beomgyu supposes there’s no point in arguing any further when seunghun clearly won’t let him. 

“... okay,” he sniffs. “i’m still sorry though. for the tear stain.” 

“what?” seunghun steps back from the hug to glance down at the tear stain in question. “oh.” he laughs, and it’s so comforting that beomgyu feels himself cracking a smile. “don’t worry about it. at least it wasn’t as traumatising as yeonjun getting snot on one of my shirts when he was crying over this one exam.” he sighs. “it was my favourite one too.” 

now beomgyu’s the one who’s laughing while seunghun’s lips quirk up into a grin. it feels nice, liberating - it’s like he can finally breathe again. 

he doesn’t understand how seunghun can forgive him so easily despite how badly he messed up, but he’s always been a kind person.

it reminds beomgyu of just how grateful he is for the seniors he has here. he wonders if they’ll be able to tell them that one day. 

“and besides,” seunghun adds when beomgyu’s finally calmed down. “what kind of person would i be if i didn’t do anything to protect an important teammate?” 

* * *

beomgyu doesn’t fully recover from the trauma even after his talk with seunghun; things don’t really work that way after all. 

however there _is_ progress. his hands stop shaking so much when he holds his evoker, and the first time he’s able to successfully summon his persona again he can’t help the grin that lights up his entire face. 

“soobin!” his name is the first thing that slips past his lips before he’s even aware of it. “did you see that? not so useless anymore, right?” 

soobin turns to face him, shrugs. “you should’ve been able to do this from the start.” 

beomgyu remains undeterred. he isn’t about to let choi soobin ruin his mood tonight. “come on soobin ssi at least praise me.” 

“yeah, soobin,” hyunjin teases. “praise him.” 

soobin tilts his head. “is this necessary?” 

“yes?” beomgyu says nonchalantly. “i think i deserved it.” 

“hm. okay then. good job, beomgyu ssi.” 

it’s not the best compliment by any means. beomgyu can’t exactly tell if he actually means it or not with that tone of his. he isn’t even looking at him as he says it, already walking ahead as soon as the words are out of his mouth. 

and yet his ears are turning red. why are they turning red? 

“what was that?” seunghun laughs. “put some more feeling into it next time, soobin.” 

“... ah. i’ll keep that in mind.” 

“you don’t sound like you will though?” 

_weird_ , beomgyu thinks to himself. _so weird_. 

* * *

they get a new member in early june. 

his name is kim yonghee, the person they’d saved from being trapped in tartarus just a week prior. “yeonjun hyung invited me to join you all, so i’ll be living here from now on,” he explains. he’s smiling more now that he’s gotten enough rest, everything about him radiating ‘warm and pleasant’. beomgyu likes him immediately. “i’ll also be acting as your analyst, i hope we work well together.” 

“does that mean you’ll return to joining us in battle, yeonjun hyung?” hyunjin asks. 

“yup.” yeonjun nods, lips curving up into a grin. “please rest assured, i might’ve been sitting on the sidelines until now but that doesn’t mean i’ve gone rusty!” 

seunghun smiles at him, playful. “you sure you can still give a good example of proper combat? soobin isn’t half bad for a newbie, he might actually surpass you.”

this makes beomgyu go still. he knows yeonjun has been thinking about this himself, even if he never actually said it out loud. he knows, because beomgyu has caught him looking at soobin sometimes, an expression he can’t quite name adorning his face. soobin hadn’t noticed, always lost in his own world. 

he slowly shifts his eyes towards yeonjun to gauge his reaction. he doesn’t look all that affected by seunghun’s statement, just huffs and punches his shoulder lightly. “i’ve been at this for longer than any of you, it’s best you don’t underestimate me.” yeonjun directs his gaze towards soobin then, who’d been quiet the entire time as usual. “you hear that, soobin? i won’t lose so easily.” 

soobin, in his typical fashion, just nods. “sure,” he responds. how he can sound so indifferent all the time is something beomgyu still can’t understand. “i’ll keep that in mind.” 

“good.” yeonjun smiles effortlessly enough, but it doesn’t reach his eyes. “can’t have anyone in this team developing egos bigger than their heads now, can we?” 

no one says anything for a good few seconds. it’s hyunjin who breaks the silence, with “whoa hyung, you actually sounded kind of intimidating there.” 

“what?” yeonjun presses a hand to his chest, mock offended. “was i not a cool and intimidating senior before?” 

hyunjin gives him a look which speaks volumes and is apparently so funny to seunghun he falls over himself laughing. “hey.” yeonjun is pouting now, an action that makes beomgyu’s heart feel all funny. “seunghun quit laughing you jerk.” 

“i, um. i have to agree with hyunjin…” yonghee speaks up. “i didn’t really think you were intimidating either.” 

“see!?” 

“yonghee, not you too!”

seunghun does not stop laughing. in fact, he laughs even harder. beomgyu thinks those might be tears in his eyes. oh dear. 

the atmosphere becomes rowdy enough that no one notices when soobin slips away and goes back to his room. 

no one except him. 

* * *

there’s an awful lot about soobin that beomgyu has yet to know, other than the fact that his parents passed away ten years ago. the reason why he’s even privy to that is because of the chairman; something he still feels a bit iffy about since he personally would have wanted to find out from soobin himself, but what’s done is done. 

it’s been four months since soobin joined them, and though most of the olive branches beomgyu had extended his way had been poorly received, he surprisingly finds himself still wanting to try. 

he chalks it up to how he’s always been a little stubborn, refusing to give up if his goal isn’t impossible. 

choi soobin might be as approachable as a cobra with a really bad headache, but he did help beomgyu out in his own way - he knows there has to be more to him than what he appears to be on the surface. 

so here’s what beomgyu has decided. 

he is going to stop trying to beat around the bush. what he’s going to do now is fall right into it. 

“i’d like to get to know you better,” beomgyu tells him when it’s just the two of them in the training room. they’re sitting cross legged side by side, cleaning the practise swords. 

“i don’t know if you’d want that,” soobin answers without even sparing him a glance. 

beomgyu purses his lips. does he need to be so difficult all the time? 

“there’s no way of confirming that unless i try.” 

soobin does look at him then, face as unreadable as ever. “what are you trying to gain from this exactly?” 

“um,” beomgyu begins intelligently. “to see whether you’re capable of feeling human emotions like the rest of us and that you’re not secretly a robot?” 

soobin just continues looking at him. he’s starting to hate how he does that because now he suddenly feels very stupid. 

“you’re weird,” soobin says at last, shaking his head. 

beomgyu’s face does not turn red in embarrassment.

“gee, thanks. so is that a yes or a no?” 

soobin’s attention shifts back to the training sword in his hand. “do whatever you want.” 

it isn’t a yes or a no but it’s something at least. 

“okay.” he turns back to his own sword with a small grin. 

“i’ll do just that then.” 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **heartrecord:** honestly the pacing for this chapter was something i probably worried over the most so i really hope it isn't that bad,, i've reread this too many times but if there's still any mistakes i'll come back and fix them later. also i was unsure on how to tag the side couples so i just left them in the additional tags, feel free to correct me if needed though. 
> 
> with that said, i hope you enjoy the update!

( _“what do you want to be when you grow up?” his brother asks. he’s given in to another of beomgyu’s many demands for a piggyback, and beomgyu can’t see it, but he’s smiling fondly._

_the answer comes to him easily without having to give it much thought. “i wanna be like hyung!”_

_“like hyung, huh?” his brother’s voice softens. he sounds almost sad. “i see.”_ )

* * *

places sound different the less people there are to breathe life into them. 

this is a fact beomgyu was quick to learn after he lost his brother. ever since the accident, the house became a little quieter, a little emptier. 

there’s no one to compliment his father’s questionable attempts at cooking, no one to bring home random trinkets as a form of decoration. no one to eat ice cream together with at the kitchen table late at night when beomgyu is supposed to be asleep. 

the morning of the day his brother died, beomgyu had been sick in bed and didn’t get to see him off before he went to work. 

he didn’t get to say goodbye. 

it’s something he still regrets to this very day. 

“remember that your father and i love you very much,” his mother had told him before he moved into the dorm. her hands were warm in his as she held them tight, warm as the person she still was despite everything they’ve been through. “i hope what you’re trying to find brings you peace when you do.” 

“thanks, mom.” he smiled, and his eyes might have been a little wet. “i’ll call when i can.”

a substitute for _i love you and dad_ _too_ , words he had swallowed down at the last minute, the weight of it too heavy back then. 

he hasn’t had time to check in on his parents lately due to the sudden influx of events in his life, but he hopes that they’re doing well. 

it’s summer now, the change in season making itself apparent through the spike in temperature and the sounds of the cicada he can hear every night outside his bedroom window.

the season’s not the only thing that’s changed though. 

with the beginning of summer vacation, there’s an increase in team members in the form of two second years named kim sunwoo and son youngjae. 

“they both have the potential, but they’ve just awakened to it recently,” seunghun explains when they move into the dorm. “i told them about us and they agreed to help.”

“ _how_ did you find out exactly?” yeonjun asks, to which sunwoo helpfully answers with “he found us in a convenience store freaking out because we were surrounded by a bunch of coffins.” 

“yeah,” youngjae shakes his head at the memory. “that was embarrassing.” 

“ah. makes sense actually.” yeonjun nods in understanding. “experiencing the dark hour for the first time can be pretty shocking.” 

hyunjin looks the two of them up and down, says “great, more people who aren’t taller than me!” then proceeds to give them both a thumbs up. 

seunghun laughs so hard he keels over. 

with the addition of sunwoo and youngjae, there’s now a grand total of four second years on their team. it’s not like beomgyu is complaining or anything - he usually can get along with just about anyone regardless of age (soobin being the only obvious exception so far). it just gets a little lonely being the only first year sometimes, and it would be nice to have a friend of the same age he could confide in. 

“beomgyu ssi!” there’s suddenly a box of pocky in front of his face, which effectively snaps him out from his thoughts. it’s youngjae, who’s smiling at him expectantly. “do you want some? this was originally supposed to be for sunwoo but he chose to be a little shit and ate the cookies my mom gave me so now his pocky rights are revoked.” 

“will you let that _go_ already?”

“no, i’m still mourning.”

“what’s there to mourn about?”

youngjae looks so offended that beomgyu almost snorts. almost. 

“you ate my share when you already had yours, what do you mean ‘what’s there to mourn about’!?” 

“shut up, youngjae.”

“no _you_ shut up, sunwoo!”

they continue to bicker like that for a while. beomgyu would be lying if he said he wasn’t at least a little bit amused by this. 

“ _anyway_.” youngjae turns back to him, huffing. “pocky, beomgyu ssi?” 

“oh. yeah.” beomgyu smiles at him. “sure! thanks, youngjae hyung.” he pauses. “i _can_ call you that, right?”

youngjae grins. “of course!”

“just so you know beomgyu ssi you can call me hyung too,” sunwoo says. “let’s keep things fair.”

youngjae rolls his eyes. “just say you don’t want to feel left out and go.” 

“oh be quiet.” 

some things take some time to get used to, but beomgyu thinks he doesn’t mind this new liveliness. 

* * *

beomgyu bumps into soobin in the hallway just as he’s about to leave for one of his late night walks. 

“oh.” he blinks up at him. “hey, soobin ssi. are you going back to your room?” 

in retrospect, it’s a pretty dumb question. where else would he be headed? 

“yeah,” soobin says. he looks like he’s about to leave it at that and walk past, but then seems to change his mind as he turns back to him. 

“are you going somewhere?” 

beomgyu hums. “i was thinking of going for a walk.” 

“at this time?” soobin’s voice sounds a little odd. beomgyu doesn’t question it, after all it could just be his imagination. 

“yeah?” he pauses, decides there’s no harm in taking a chance. “do you maybe... want to come with?” 

they lapse into silence for a second, two. just as beomgyu is preparing himself for yet another failed attempt, soobin surprises him by nodding. 

“... okay,” he says. “sure.” 

turns out, walks feel a lot more different when you’re not alone. 

this much should be obvious of course, but beomgyu didn’t think there would be much of a difference considering soobin has never been much of a conversationalist. one thing he’s learning is that choi soobin in no way has a small presence. 

the quiet does get to him eventually, the need to say something making him antsy. 

“you’re really hard to figure out, you know?” he starts, not looking at the other until he feels a pair of eyes on him. 

not much to his surprise, soobin is regarding him calmly, not a trace of offense in his eyes from his words. 

“so i’ve heard. you wouldn’t be the first person to say that.”

“i’m serious. there’s the way you fight, like you don’t care about your own wellbeing.” he frowns, recalling the first night they found out soobin was a persona user. that night he had picked up the gun and pointed it at his own head without any hesitation. “are you not even a little bit scared of the fact that we might die while going against the shadows?” 

soobin tilts his head to the side, looking at him like he’s speaking a foreign language. “why are you so terrified of death?”

if beomgyu thought that he was at loss of words earlier, it was nothing compared to how he is now. his tongue feels heavy in his mouth. thankfully, soobin apparently wasn’t looking for an actual answer. 

“doesn't the thought of a dragged out life sound more troublesome? for a long time, waking up to another day has become something mundane to me. even before joining you guys, i’ve always thought that the probability of me living for a long time isn’t that high.” 

more than his words, it’s the way soobin is saying it so casually that makes beomgyu’s heart twinge. “why do you think that way?” beomgyu asks quietly. “is it connected to how your parents died all those years ago?”

at soobin’s raised eyebrow, beomgyu is quick to add “i heard from the chairman.” 

“hm. well, now that you know that i guess it isn’t too much to say that what happened to them kind of... desensitized me.” at the word desensitized, soobin curls his fingers to form air quotations. “i figured there’s no use in mapping out a future for myself if i’m just going to die anyway.” 

“soobin ssi.” beomgyu stops in his tracks, soobin’s name coming out strained. that attracts the other’s attention, earning him a questioning hum. “can you stop. talking like that.”

“like what?”

“like life and death isn’t important to you.” 

“what’s wrong with that? there’s no problem as long as i can carry out my job, right?”

“listen.” he takes a few steps forward to catch up again, tugging on the hem of soobin’s shirt to make him stop. “don’t you think it’s better going into a fight knowing you have something to lose than otherwise? that way, you’ll do everything in your power to win instead of dying voluntarily thinking it doesn’t matter anyway.”

“... i suppose so.” soobin’s gaze momentarily flits down to his hand on his shirt before looking away again. “but i've never thought of one.”

“then try and think about it now.” beomgyu braves himself to reach out and take soobin’s hands in his. “close your eyes.”

they might create a ridiculous sight. two boys standing on a deserted street past midnight, hands intertwined between them. the only consolation is that no one else would pass by at this hour. 

it’s just the two of them in their own little world.

surprisingly enough, soobin doesn’t let go of his hands. instead, he indulges him in his absurd idea, eyelashes casting a shadow on his cheek as his eyes fall shut. beomgyu’s chest feels less constricted now without his sharp gaze on him. 

“something that is worth living for doesn’t have to be grand. it can be yeonjun hyung’s omurice you seem to like. or your sparring sessions with hyunjin hyung. it could be another trip to tartarus, another full moon operation, just because you think of how hopeless we would be without you leading us. it could be…”

his gaze falls onto their locked hands, trying to excuse the feeling of warmth under his collar as just another stifling summer night.

“it could be me.”

there’s a soft sound of breath that sounds awfully close to a snort, and beomgyu snaps his gaze back at the older. 

“yah, are you laughing?” he exclaims, squeezing soobin’s hands in hope to inflict some kind of pain. 

the hands easily slip away from his grip, leaving a trace of warmth on his palms in the shape of soobin’s hands. it lingers long into the night, even as they start walking again and suddenly the air around them is not so warm anymore. 

“okay, i get your point.”

“I didn’t think you’d actually take me seriously.” he fakes an incredulous gasp. “you can be quite stubborn at times, hyung.”

it slips out of his mouth without any filter. upon realizing it, he mentally whacks himself upside the head. there are only so many boundaries one can cross within a single night.

“sorry for that, soobin ssi. force of habit.”

instead of an apparent dislike that beomgyu has dreaded to see on the other's face, soobin only shrugs. 

“hyung is fine. you call everyone else that.”

that’s soobin, always unaware of the effect his simple words could bring on people. most importantly, beomgyu shouldn’t be feeling this happy just being granted the permission to address him in a more casual manner. yet here he is, a spring on his steps and a permanent smile etched on his lips as he follows soobin back to the dorm. 

* * *

it’s almost as if that night served as a catalyst, because soon enough beomgyu finds himself thinking of more excuses to spend time with soobin. 

_“hyung, do you wanna go get ice cream with me?”_

_“hyung, do you wanna go to the arcade?”_

_“do you have any plans for the weekend?”_

he’s almost always seeking him out if he doesn’t already have other engagements, something that doesn’t go unnoticed. 

“so.” hyunjin begins conversationally when beomgyu is helping him with his stretches. “soobin hyung, huh?”

there’s a shit eating grin on his face, one that makes beomgyu narrow his eyes at him. 

“yes…?”

“oh it’s nothing, i’m just happy to see you two getting along.” hyunjin’s smile softens at the edges. “there’s more to him than what meets the eye.” 

that much beomgyu admits to be true. 

there’s the fact that soobin seemingly has a bottomless pit for a stomach, with how he’s able to eat so much. another would be how soobin gets unexpectedly competitive when it comes to games, muttering under his breath whenever he plays. 

it makes him more... normal in beomgyu’s eyes. that despite his morbid outlook on life, he isn’t entirely on a whole other plane than them. 

“yeah. you’re right.” 

“i don’t mind that you’re putting in an effort to get closer to him of course but don’t take away _all_ his time,” hyunjin says jokingly. “i want to hang out with our leader too.” 

beomgyu rolls his eyes. “whatever you say, hyung.” 

he can’t deny that he’s enjoying soobin’s company more than he thought he would, his presence slowly leaning more towards soothing rather than intimidating. 

it’s another positive change. another stepping stone to uncovering the enigma that is choi soobin.

maybe one day he’ll be able to break down his walls completely.

* * *

sometime later, they end up going on a trip to yeonjun’s vacation home on jeju island. 

it had been the chairman’s suggestion upon finding out that yeonjun’s father would be vacationing there during summer break. “why not pay him a surprise visit?” he’d proposed. 

“oh.” yeonjun seemed unsure. “my father’s a busy man… i wouldn’t want to ruin his holiday.” 

“nonsense. no father would be upset with a son who came all that way to see him,” the chairman reassured. “you’ve all done well these past few months. you deserve to rest. since we already know when the next operation will be, it should be fine.” 

“well... alright then,” yeonjun relented with a small smile. “i guess we do deserve to take a break every now and then. let’s do it.” 

and that had been that. 

it’s turned out to be both a blessing and a curse; whether it’s in equal measure, beomgyu can’t tell. 

a blessing because they’re able to relax and unwind for a while after having to juggle student responsibilities and tartarus trips, a task you get used to but doesn’t get any less tiring. 

it also somehow serves as a bonus in the sense that he finds out that soobin does have his weaknesses after all. 

“hyung, aren’t you going to swim?” he’d asked, curious on why he had only been sitting under one of the beach umbrellas and watching them. 

“huh? ah, that…” soobin trailed off, and beomgyu’s curiosity was piqued further. “i don’t... i never exactly learned how to.”

oh.

oh? that was interesting. 

“i see.” beomgyu grinned to himself, mentally cataloging that tidbit of information to the back of his mind. “don’t let that stop you from having fun though!”

“i’m fine where i am, thanks.”

“aw, come on. at least help me build a sandcastle or something.” 

“how old are you again?”

“i’m fifteen, and you’re sixteen. not too old for sandcastles!” 

“... whatever.” 

despite his dismissiveness, soobin did end up getting roped into building that sandcastle which counted as another small victory in beomgyu’s book. 

now you might be curious on the reason this trip is also partly a curse. 

well, it wouldn’t be if yeonjun’s father hadn’t decided to gather them all and dump a bunch of information on them. information that beomgyu didn’t necessarily want to hear, as all it did was jumble up all his previous beliefs until they’re a mess he can’t even begin to piece back together into something coherent. 

“so you’re telling me…” beomgyu had said, trying to keep his voice even. “that my brother caused it all? the dark hour... tartarus... the people who died in that explosion… it was all his fault?” 

“beomgyu?” seunghun sounded wary. “are you okay?” 

it was so rude of him, he knew, but he couldn’t stop the scoff he let out. “do i _look_ okay, seunghun hyung? you... did you know about this all along too?” he turned to yeonjun, glaring. “i thought it was bad enough that the shadow experiment was conducted at our school of all places and what we’ve been doing is cleaning up after your mess, but now it turns out my brother had a part in it. did you feel _sorry_ for me, hyung? is that why you kept this a secret?” 

“no, beomgyu, i…” 

“save it,” beomgyu spat. “i don’t want your pity.” 

after making a spectacle of himself, he’d run out of the room and found his feet taking him to the beach. 

now that he’s had time to calm down, he’s already regretting the way he handled things. 

“choi beomgyu you idiot,” he groans into his hands. “blowing up at yeonjun hyung like that… i’ll need to apologise to him later.” 

“probably.” 

upon hearing the new voice, beomgyu reacts as any other normal person would -

he fucking screams. 

it turns out to be soobin - isn’t it always? - who looks unimpressed. disinterested? it’s not as if beomgyu has learned the art of discerning his expressions. 

“do you _need_ ,” beomgyu breathes. “to sneak up on people like that?”

“this isn’t the first time,” soobin points out drily. “you should be used to this by now.”

beomgyu gives him a withering look. “maybe you could stand to make your approach _known_ outside of tartarus. what are you doing here anyway?” 

“yeonjun hyung told me to go after you.”

“... of course he did.”

a traitorous, traitorous voice at the back of his mind says _why couldn’t he have gone looking for me himself?_

beomgyu ignores it. 

“sorry for running off like that,” he continues when soobin doesn’t say anything. “it was just a bit too much to take in.” 

“it’s not me you should be apologising to.” 

“right…” 

there’s another five seconds of silence before soobin speaks up. “it must’ve been tough. losing your brother, i mean.” 

“well of course it was.” beomgyu stares out into the ocean, hands clasped behind his back. “it didn’t help that he was apart of the research team, and since there were a lot of rumors flying around with no one to tell the truth, people were really mean to my family. we had to move a few times because of it.” 

“what made you decide to live in the dorm?” 

beomgyu smiles wryly. “why do you think? when i found out i had this power, i thought it had to be fate. not to mention i met yeonjun hyung not long before. it was as if everything was pushing me towards cooperating with the company. i was scared, but anything to find out what really happened, right?” a soft sigh. “turns out it was all for nothing.” 

“i wouldn’t be so sure about that.” 

“are you trying to make me feel better? who would have thought.” 

“i’m only saying what i think.”

“you were there, hyung. you watched the footage. doesn’t that confirm everything i needed to know?” his lips press into a thin line. “i thought he could never do anything wrong but reality can be needlessly harsh sometimes. i don’t have anything against yeonjun hyung but deep down, maybe i’m jealous. why did i have to lose someone and not him?” he laughs drily. “that’s horrible of me, isn’t it?” 

“not really.” 

“... hmph. what else did i expect from mr perfect? it’s not like anything ever fazes you anyway.” beomgyu turns to face soobin, scowling. “what makes you think you have the right to tell me what to feel? you don’t know me, hyung.” 

“you’re right. i don’t.” 

somehow the way he says it so easily irks him. 

“but stay with us and fight anyway,” soobin continues. “help us defeat the rest of the twelve special shadows the chairman mentioned before. who knows? you might end up uncovering something more.” 

beomgyu raises an eyebrow. “are you telling me to keep believing in him?” 

“why not?”

“why not?” he mimics, then shakes his head. “you say some unexpected things sometimes, hyung... i forget you’ve lost family too.” 

“yeah, i get that a lot.”

beomgyu snorts, and for some reason he feels ten times better compared to a few minutes ago. “i’m sure you did. but anyway… thanks for listening. i’m fine now.” he stretches his arms above his head, wincing a little when his joints crack. “we should probably head back. it’ll be the dark hour soon.”

soobin hums. “yeonjun hyung might not have been the one to come but he cares about you a lot. you know that right?” 

what, can soobin read minds now? unbelievable. 

“... i know. you don’t need to remind me.” 

he starts to walk back, only stopping when he notices soobin isn’t following him. “hyung?” he glances at him over his shoulder. soobin is looking into the distance, like he’s searching for something. “what’s up?”

“ah. it’s nothing.” soobin shakes his head, joining him. “just felt like we were being watched.” 

“huh.” beomgyu frowns. “that’s kinda creepy. maybe you’re imagining things.”

“hm. could be a ghost.” 

beomgyu stares at him. “are you trying to scare me?” 

soobin smirks. he actually _smirks_ and beomgyu doesn’t know whether he should be infuriated or in awe. “you’d only feel scared if you believed in ghosts.” 

“ _shadows_ exist, hyung. why wouldn’t ghosts?” 

“so you’re admitting to being scared of them.”

never mind. that smirk is definitely infuriating. 

“ugh, whatever.” he stalks off ahead. “hurry up or i’m leaving you behind!” 

* * *

“wait,” hyunjin says. “can you repeat that?” 

“i said,” yeonjun shoots him a pointed look. “that this is taehyun, one of our anti shadow weapons. he’ll be a part of our team from today onward.” 

“anti shadow weapon,” sunwoo repeats slowly. “him? i didn’t even think he was a robot.” 

“uhuh. according to my father he was the last one to be made, and the only one that still remains today.” yeonjun looks over at taehyun who’s standing dutifully in the corner. “he’s remained in the lab here ever since he suffered major damage ten years ago so i have no idea why he suddenly reactivated this morning… but he’ll be helpful in battle, that i can say.” 

“does that mean he can…”

“yes,” taehyun speaks up. “i am capable of summoning the persona ‘palladion’.”

“huh,” yonghee says, fascinated. “this is amazing.” 

“okay this is great and all but there’s one thing i’m curious about…” beomgyu gnaws on the inside of his cheek. “when we found him earlier, it seemed that he knew soobin hyung. why is that?” 

“it is important for me to be by his side,” taehyun says. 

“well yes you mentioned that earlier but…” 

yeonjun hums. “he’s been inoperable for a long while, maybe he’s still half asleep. or his identity system might be malfunctioning... who knows. but anyway.” he looks around at all of them and grins. “we only have so much time left before our trip ends so let’s make the most of it.” 

youngjae immediately lights up. “wasn’t there a karaoke machine? you guys wanna hear me sing?”

seunghun laughs. “you can sing, youngjae?” 

“sure i can!” 

sunwoo grimaces. “please don’t encourage him.” 

“your opinion doesn’t matter, sunwoo.” 

sure enough, the room dissolves into chaos and beomgyu takes the chance to approach soobin, who had been watching from the side. 

“hyung. how do you feel about this?”

“feel about what?” 

“about taehyun… don’t you find it at least a little strange that he recognises you?”

soobin shrugs. “he doesn’t seem all that bad. and it could just be because of what yeonjun hyung said.” 

“yeah but still.” 

“it’s nothing to worry about right now.” soobin lightly knocks the top of his head. “go have fun with the rest.” 

“why am i even surprised that this is your reaction.” beomgyu’s hand reaches out to rub the spot soobin hit, huffing. “fine, fine. but what about you?”

“i don’t sing,” is all soobin says before waving him off. 

* * *

a few days after they return, hyunjin walks into the dorm with an unfamiliar person in tow. 

unfamiliar to beomgyu, but familiar enough to yeonjun that the easy smile he had just seconds prior slips right off his face. 

“hyunjin,” he begins slowly. “isn’t that -” 

“our new recruit? yeah.” hyunjin sounds cheery enough as he gestures to the boy beside him. “this is yang jeongin. i found him two nights ago trying to fend off a shadow and it’s safe to say he’s one of us.” 

“hyunjin,” yeonjun says again, stern. “did you talk to the chairman about this? and even if you did, there’s still…” 

“yeonjun hyung.” hyunjin’s still smiling, but there’s an edge to his tone that wasn’t there before. “relax. i informed the chairman, and he gave the okay. said his ability was promising and all that.”

yeonjun gives him a hard look, before sighing and turning to jeongin. “and you?” he asks, voice softer now. “are you okay with joining us?”

“i believe i can be of some assistance,” jeongin says. beomgyu notices the way one of his hands are loosely clenched into a fist by his side. “besides, i think i have an idea of why i was given this power in the first place…” 

“... i see. when do you plan to move in?”

“that’s set for tomorrow,” hyunjin supplies. “i’m just on introduction duty today.” 

“which i could have done myself, hyunjin ssi,” jeongin mutters. 

“there’s no need to sulk.”

“i am not.” 

“actually,” yeonjun cuts in smoothly. “beomgyu, can you have him meet everyone? i need to have a few words with hyunjin.” 

“huh?” beomgyu blinks, but upon seeing the look in yeonjun’s eyes he knows he shouldn’t question him any further. “oh. okay, got it.”

he turns to jeongin, grinning. “it’s nice to meet you! my name’s beomgyu, guess you’ll be in my care for now.” 

jeongin’s gaze skims over him as if in assessment, before he shrugs. “... i guess. it’s nice to meet you too.” 

if he catches the way hyunjin’s expression turns grim while him and yeonjun talk in hushed tones in the corner, he doesn’t mention it.

it’s none of his business anyway. 

* * *

jeongin turns out to be a first year at their school, which comes as a pleasant surprise to beomgyu. 

“it’s funny how i haven’t seen you around yet,” beomgyu had remarked when he was helping him move into his room. “i mean yeah we’re in different classes but i should have seen you at least once.” 

“i don’t really blame you,” jeongin said. “i’ve heard my classmates say i’m like a ghost because i don’t have that much of a presence. it’s kind of stupid.” 

“i wouldn’t go so far as to call you a ghost,” beomgyu frowned. “but that just gives me more reason to come look for you at school. us first years have to stick together, after all.” 

jeongin snorted, the tiniest of smiles tugging at his lips. “if you say so.” 

they grow comfortable with each other fairly quickly, forming an easy camaraderie which proves to be super helpful during tartarus trips considering that soobin has been picking the two of them to be a part of the expedition team more lately. 

yeonjun still seems wary of him. beomgyu’s seen the way he looks at hyunjin and jeongin when they’re together, more often than not bantering with each other. he’s known better than to ask any questions but he can’t help wondering why yeonjun was acting the way he was. 

it doesn’t help that even seunghun had a similar reaction when he was introduced to jeongin, the smile plastered onto his face poorly concealing the strange look in his eyes. 

he supposes that some secrets have the tendency to reveal themselves with time. he can only hope it doesn’t turn out to be anything too bad. 

* * *

tartarus trips are relatively easier when you can actually handle the shadows you come across. 

they’ve all gotten stronger, more skilled, less clumsy with their weapons compared to when they first started out. ascending the tower becomes a breeze once you know what you’re doing.

but tonight? tonight isn’t going in their favour.

they’ve been having trouble with these stupid justice hands ever since they encountered them. beomgyu’s already starting to get sick of how they’re constantly evading their attacks. 

“yonghee?” soobin is speaking into the transceiver, his sword arm raised in defense. “yonghee, what’s the analysis?” 

“these shadows are more powerful!” yonghee warns. “i think it’s best if you retreat!” 

“okay, i got it - beomgyu!” soobin suddenly shouts, eyes wide.

beomgyu, who had been rummaging in his pockets for a snuff soul, soul food, _anything_ to replenish his depleting energy, looks up with a start -

and notices the justice sword looming over him, ready to swing its blade down. 

he freezes, mind already cycling through the options he can take. it’s already this close, he doesn’t have time to reach for his evoker or slash it with his blades. his hands curl into his fists by his sides as he squeezes his eyes shut waiting for the shadow’s attack to connect. 

except it never does. 

when he opens his eyes in confusion, the first thing he sees is soobin slumped on the floor in front of him, clutching his side with a pained groan. 

“what…” he whispers in disbelief. “hyung, did you just -” 

“hurry up and run,” soobin hisses.

“but hyung you’re -”

“i’m not _asking_ , beomgyu. this is an order.” 

a sick feeling of deja vu surges through him as he relents, only faintly hearing the pull of a trigger and soobin summoning one of the personas from his arsenal as he retreats to a safer place. 

the first thing beomgyu tells him after the whole ordeal is “you’re an idiot”. 

he’s placed soobin in a corner where shadows aren’t likely to see them, io radiating white light above him, its healing power washing over soobin and mending his wounds. 

“that’s hardly a way to talk to someone who just saved you.” soobin sounds nonchalant, too nonchalant for someone who was in a fight with a higher levelled shadow just mere minutes before and barely managed to defeat it. 

“you’re an idiot,” beomgyu repeats, ignoring him. “why did you - why did you take the brunt of that attack for me? you could’ve gotten off with way worse than this! you could’ve...” 

_you could’ve died._

beomgyu takes in a shuddering breath. this is reminding him too much of what happened with seunghun, of his scream, of beomgyu’s helplessness. the thought makes a dull ache bloom in his chest. 

soobin watches him quietly, carefully. “hey,” he says. “beomgyu. it’s okay.” 

“it’s not okay,” beomgyu snaps back, the ache turning into something more - into frustration, perhaps even anger. “i don’t care if you faced that shadow because you thought you were good enough, you need to stop doing things like that hyung.”

for a while, there’s nothing but the sound of their breathing. when soobin speaks again, it’s accompanied by an almost hesitant yet gentle touch to his arm. “i’m sorry,” he murmurs, which startles beomgyu enough that it distracts him from everything else he’s feeling. 

this is the first time he’s heard soobin apologise. 

“i know you hate when i do this, it’s just…” soobin cards a hand through his hair. “when it comes down to it, i’m the leader. and i wouldn’t be a very good one if i just stood there and let you get hurt.” 

beomgyu stares at him, breath caught in his throat. 

when soobin’s eyes lift to meet his, he physically can’t bring himself to look away. 

“i know i might seem like i don’t give a damn about others but i do,” soobin says again quietly. “it’s hard not to when you’re the one who taught me how to care again.” 

oh. oh no. 

beomgyu’s heart is beating so loud, he can hear it in his ears. 

_choi soobin is dangerous_ , he thinks dazedly. _so dangerous_. 

* * *

there is a very specific sensation at the bottom of your stomach that comes with seeing a certain blue haired boy smile. albeit one that could be counted as barely there given how small it is, but beomgyu still notices. and it’s - it’s really something. 

this is choi soobin, after all. someone who rarely lets his emotions show on his face, except for those few and far in between moments in tartarus where a shadow had managed to get the best of him. soobin is always careful (and though he tries not to be obvious about it, he’s harder on himself than he should be), so when he makes a mistake he never lets it happen twice. 

maybe it comes naturally with the leader role. that doesn’t mean beomgyu likes the thought of soobin beating himself up unnecessarily. 

but he digresses. 

soobin is actually smiling for the first time since he met him, and it’s because beomgyu got him headphones. they aren’t one of those expensive brands, beomgyu’s but a highschool student who can only afford so much after all. but they’re good enough to last a few years if soobin takes care of them really well, and beomgyu knew that he would. 

“here.” he’d handed over the box, trying not to sound as nervous as he felt. he knew that soobin liked music, it was obvious from how he almost always had his headphones over his ears. but he didn’t know if soobin would like this particular gift per se. 

soobin blinked at him, then at the box extended his way. blinked at him again. 

“um,” he finally said, before beomgyu could say ‘never mind’ and hightail it back to his room. “what’s this for?” 

and well. okay, here was the thing. 

beomgyu had no reason to buy those headphones for soobin. not really. he just happened to stumble upon them in the mall last weekend and thought that it fit him. 

(and maybe it was partly because he heard soobin mumbling about how his current headphones needed replacing soon but he isn’t about to admit that in the near future.)

“just.” beomgyu scratched his cheek, trying not to sound too awkward. “i dunno, i didn’t really have a reason to but i saw them and they reminded me of you, so uh.” he gestured towards the box. “i thought i’d buy them for you. yeah.” 

well. at least he tried. 

just as beomgyu was considering self destruction, he heard a soft, huffed out laugh which got his attention so quickly his head literally snapped up. 

that was when he glimpsed soobin’s smile - small and hard to notice but enough to make a strange feeling stir inside him. 

“for someone who usually has no trouble berating me, you’re pretty bad at words sometimes.” normally, beomgyu would feel pretty insulted by that kind of comment. this time though, he just stares owlishly at soobin like an idiot. “... thanks for the headphones,” soobin continues, and he says it like he actually means it. “i was thinking of replacing mine soon, so... yeah.” 

this brings beomgyu out of his reverie. _i know_ , he wants to say. instead, he just shrugs, an easy smile sliding into place. “it’s no problem.” 

it’s only later when he’s in his room, trying and failing to focus on his homework does he wonder how soobin would have reacted if he told him that he knew, that he’d heard him and that was why he impulsively decided to buy the headphones.

if.

there’s been a lot of those with them lately. unspoken possibilities. chances they don’t act on. perhaps it’d be easier if either of them bothered to reach out and bridge this gap between them completely. 

but soobin is... well, _soobin_ , and beomgyu is more of a pessimist than he portrays himself to be.

it’s not like beomgyu wants there to be anything between them anyway. after all, only idiots actively chase after something that will end up in flames, and even though beomgyu does have his moments, he isn’t foolish enough to thread past this invisible line separating them. 

he isn’t. 

really. 

* * *

beomgyu suspects he might have a problem. 

yonghee and seunghun have recently started dating, something most of them saw coming because seunghun is hopeless when it comes to hiding his affections, and yonghee had once admitted to having a crush on him since he was in first year. that’s not the problem though. the two of them look great together and beomgyu only ever wants the best for his friends. 

the problem is this - there are times where he sees them huddled on the couch together, yonghee typing away on his laptop with seunghun’s arm wrapped around his shoulders, or walking side by side, seunghun’s hand placed carefully on the small of his back. there are moments between them that he catches which feel similar to secrets, like yonghee sleepily debating what cereal he should eat for breakfast while seunghun listens with a tender look in his eyes that makes beomgyu wonder if he’s intruding. 

they look at ease with each other. happier than he’s seen them in a while. 

and beomgyu finds himself wanting. which is quite frankly disconcerting, and should be out of the question. why? because the person he thinks about more often than not is choi soobin. 

so like a completely normal human being, he walks into the bathroom and makes sure no one is inside before staring at himself in one of the mirrors, jabbing a finger at it and saying “choi beomgyu you dumbass.” 

he has a problem, with no immediate solution that wouldn’t involve jeongin judging him or yeonjun going batshit crazy and beomgyu just wants to dissolve in the ground. 

he does not dissolve into the ground, no matter how much he wants to. disappointing. 

however he does have an epiphany, one that makes him sit upright in bed one night, wide eyed and gripping the blanket. 

“i think i like soobin.” 

fuck. he’s fifteen and he has feelings for his teammate. 

_fuck_. 

* * *

alright, picture this. 

you’re fourteen, and you’re crying at the bus stop over a failed exam. a boy, who’s seemingly appeared out of thin air and shocks you enough to distract you from your tears, attempts to comfort you with a piece of lemon candy and a kind smile. _keep your head up_ , he says. _it isn’t the end of the world_. you’re fourteen when you experience genuine kindness that you haven’t in years ever since your brother died. 

you’re on the brink of a new year when you end up living with the same boy. he’s gotten a little taller, but he still has that same kind smile. even after finding out that he’s the heir of the company that’s responsible for the accident that killed your brother, you don’t have it in you to hate him. not after those shared moments in front of the bathroom mirror, at the dining table. not after you’ve seen him with his messy bed hair in the morning and his habit of sticking his tongue out when he’s trying to concentrate. 

you come to like him a lot, idolize him even. you might have unknowingly placed him on some sort of pedestal. at some point, you think there was a possibility you felt something more. it’s evident in the way your cheeks warm when he compliments you, the way your heartbeat quickens when he so much as smiles in your direction. 

for the longest time, choi beomgyu might have been a little bit in love with choi yeonjun. 

but there’s bound to be change at one point, regardless of whether you’re ready for it or not. for beomgyu, this change comes in the form of a chasm appearing before him and a different boy on the other side waiting for him to build a bridge and close the gap. 

waiting. 

is choi soobin waiting for him? 

(is he even going to build his own end of the bridge?) 

* * *

normally when beomgyu feels troubled by something, he’d talk to jeongin. it’s easier, since they’re the same age and he can allow himself to let loose.

this time however, he goes to yonghee. he figured it’d be more helpful since yonghee is already in a relationship and he’d probably understand him more compared to jeongin who would most likely tell him to deal with it instead of sitting around and stalling. 

besides, he knows he can trust yonghee with this. he’s gotten more comfortable with him lately, partly because of how often he asks for his help with his math homework and also because he’s a lovely person in general, one you know you can let your guard down around. beomgyu can see why seunghun fell for him. 

“hyung, what do you do if you like someone?” 

“oh.” yonghee looks a bit taken aback. beomgyu can’t blame him, he didn’t exactly state his reason to talk. “that wasn’t what i was expecting.”

“sorry, this has just been bothering me for a while… ” he admits. “but i can always go to someone else if you -” 

“no no, it’s fine. i was just a bit surprised, is all.” yonghee smiles at him reassuringly. “what brought this about though?”

beomgyu chews on his bottom lip, then takes a deep breath. “i think i might have feelings for soobin hyung.”

“ah.” yonghee has a knowing look on his face. “haven’t you two been hanging out more recently?” 

beomgyu nods. “that’s the thing though. i only planned to get to know him better, but then i started seeing all these other sides of him and it’s…” he pauses, uncertain. 

“take your time,” yonghee says gently. 

“it’s strange because… sometimes i see you with seunghun hyung and the both of you look so happy that i catch myself wanting the same, and the first person that always comes to mind is soobin hyung. and that’s sort of terrifying.” 

yonghee hums, resting his cheek on the knuckles of his right hand. “let me tell you something, beomgyu. back when i just had crush on seunghun hyung, a part of me was already resigned to the fact that it would only ever be a crush. i was convinced i didn’t have a chance. but then i awakened to my power and i started living with you guys, and it was so surreal going from only seeing him at school to being dorm mates.” 

“yeah, i can imagine.” 

“right? i was suddenly in close proximity with him all the time and the thing is, he was friendly to me from the start but then he started going out of his way to spend time with me. naturally, that harmless crush eventually turned into something more.” 

“did that scare you?” 

“oh yeah, definitely.” yonghee huffs out a laugh. “i had no idea if i should tell him or ignore how i felt long enough for it to fade on its own. but i knew that wasn’t going to happen, so i just sucked it up and told him and here we are today.” he smiles fondly. “maybe i simply happened to be lucky that he liked me back, but i personally prefer to believe that it depends on whether you’re brave or not.” 

“huh.” he doesn’t quite know what to do with this. “you think so?” 

“i can’t exactly offer you a proper way to go about things, but i do understand how conflicted you might feel. once you figure things out though…” yonghee reaches out to gently touch beomgyu’s hand. “all i can tell you is remember to be brave. some things you can’t grasp just by waiting for something to happen.”

* * *

he’s walking down the stairs the next day when he catches a sight that makes him stop halfway and just stare. 

soobin and hyunjin are sitting together on the couch, and even from this distance beomgyu can tell that their bowed heads are touching. the rational part of beomgyu’s brain tells him that they’re discussing strategy, judging from the notebook they’re sharing between them. 

the less rational part however. it whispers _huh. when did they get so close?_ _why do they look so cozy?_

beomgyu tries to ignore those annoying thoughts, he really does. it would probably be better if he looked away but for some reason he just can’t, his hand gripping the banister tighter the longer he stands there. 

“beomgyu? what’re you looking at?” 

the new voice makes him blink and glance behind him. it’s sunwoo, who’s giving him a curious look.

“huh? oh it’s nothing…” 

“doesn’t seem like nothing to me.” sunwoo peers over his shoulder to check for himself, humming when he sees the two of them. “ah. i’ve been thinking this but they do kind of look good together, don’t they?”

he hadn’t been aware of the sound he made until sunwoo shifts his attention back to him, worry in his eyes. “you okay?” 

_they do kind of look good together, don’t they?_

“yeah.” beomgyu smiles at him weakly, hoping it covers up his lie. “just fine.” 

* * *

**beomgyu**

do you think i should tell soobin hyung how i feel

**jeongin**

do you really want to know what i think

**beomgyu**

yes

actually no

i want you to validate me. you’re not allowed an opinion.

**jeongin**

-___-

idk do you want to tell him

**beomgyu**

... no not really

**jeongin**

ok 

**beomgyu**

is this ‘ok i agree’ or ‘i’m just saying ok because you told me to validate you’ 

**jeongin**

yeah

**beomgyu**

yeah the 1st one or yeah the 2nd one or yeah just because you want to be annoying 

**jeongin**

uhuh 

**beomgyu**

yang jeongin .

**jeongin**

choi beomgyu. you like him don’t you?

**beomgyu**

what’s that got to do with it

**jeongin**

um. everything?? 

**beomgyu**

yes i like him jeongin i wouldn’t be having a crisis if i didn’t

**jeongin**

then why are you asking me if you should tell him when you should know the answer to that yourself 

while we’re on that topic why are we texting when your room is literally right next to mine

**beomgyu**

bed comfy. too lazy to walk.

and i don’t wanna see your face when you’re judging me

**jeongin**

i see the kind of person you are

also fuck you

**beomgyu**

:) 

ilyt 

**jeongin**

gross 

i’ll just tell soobin hyung myself then

**beomgyu**

WAIT NO

* * *

throughout his entire fifteen years on earth, beomgyu didn’t think he’d be the type to get jealous easily. 

clearly he was wrong because aside from when he saw soobin with hyunjin, now there’s this whole new situation with that first year from class 2. what was his name again? lee daehwi? yeah, that had to be it. 

it’d been fine, the first few times. beomgyu doesn’t like making a big deal over something trivial, and who was he to stop soobin from helping him out with his home economics stuff? but when it came to the extent where he interrupted their conversations to drag soobin away with the older giving him an apologetic look over his shoulder every time, beomgyu couldn’t help the annoyance rising up in him. 

“i mean, can’t he tell that we’re in the middle of something?” beomgyu had ranted to jeongin one day. “who just _waltzes_ in and snatches someone away like that?” 

“mm.” jeongin continued to flip through his magazine, looking bored. he always looked like that whenever beomgyu was going off about something. brat. “sounds like a you problem.” 

right. jeongin’s as helpful as always. 

but soobin is soobin.

the unbothered, stoic choi soobin who lets anyone drag him around with no questions asked. beomgyu thought that soobin is only letting him do that because he has tolerated beomgyu's presence better, but apparently not. he is not even a priority, seeing the many times lee daehwi has snatched the guy right under his nose, with soobin blinking at him and waving his hand while he's being dragged off yet again. 

for once, he wants soobin to stay. to tell daehwi that he wants to hang out with beomgyu instead of doing whatever daehwi needs him for. 

the last strike happens on a particularly scorching day, after soobin rejects his offer to get ice cream together because “daehwi needs me to try on his new design” which is fine. completely fine. 

except it’s not because why else would he be heading for the home economics room? 

when he arrives there, he doesn’t expect to find soobin alone with no lee daehwi in sight. what he also doesn’t expect is the hanbok that he’s wearing. the golden threads rimming the piece of clothing glistens under the sunshine pouring in from the big window on the side. he doesn't often get to see soobin wear things like this - it makes beomgyu forget to breathe for a second. 

or maybe more than just a second, because he ends up gasping for air when he snaps out of it, successfully diverting soobin's attention towards him.

“hey.” he tries to sound as casual as possible, like it’s perfectly normal for him to be here. “where’s daehwi?” 

to his credit, he seems unfazed by beomgyu’s presence. but then again that’s how soobin always is. unflappable, even in a crisis. 

“a classmate of his came and said something about a teacher wanting to see him,” soobin says, before frowning a little. “i can't remember if he said i could sit or not before rushing off. my feet ache.”

beomgyu laughs, his voice breaking the silence in the room and the serenity of the summer air blowing into the room from the opened window. 

now that he has a better look of the older, beomgyu mentally curses daehwi for being so talented at designing that he can't bring himself to hate him now for stealing the time they could have spent together because god, does soobin look beautiful wearing the garment. he is so close, beomgyu can just reach out and take him away from the place because he wants soobin to look at him only.

“you look... pretty,” he breathes out instead. 

a flicker of a smile crosses soobin’s face as he walks over to him. 

“you think so? last time you told me that daehwi makes awful clothes.” there’s a teasing edge to his tone. who would have thought that he was capable of that?

“that's just because i was jealous,” he blurts out before he can stop himself, immediately slapping a hand over his mouth afterwards. 

he’s only gone and done it again. if there’s anything about him that’s yet to change, it’s this. 

“... you were jealous?” soobin echoes, tilting his head slightly. 

not for the first time this year, beomgyu wants the ground to just swallow him up. 

“yeah. so? big deal.” there’s no escaping this now, he might as well just take it in stride. 

“why? i don’t see a reason to.” 

beomgyu looks at him in disbelief. “really, soobin? really? okay, put yourself in my shoes. imagine you have a person you like, and you just want to hang out with them, but they keep getting snatched away from you right in front of your eyes by the same person. and you’re just left to stand there feeling like a loser. how would you feel?” 

it’s like a dam has been broken; he can’t seem to stop talking. 

“of course it sucks because it feels like a lot of time that could’ve been spent with them has been wasted just like that and it’s the worst, it’s the absolute worst and i hate myself for being like this, for wanting you all to myself because isn’t that selfish -” 

“wait,” soobin interrupts. “you want me all to yourself?”

oh. right, he’d said that didn’t he? 

“... so what if i do,” he mumbles. “what, are you going to make fun of me?” 

soobin doesn’t say a word for a while which doesn’t help with beomgyu’s embarrassment, until he sees a movement from his side. he catches sight of the pink sleeve of the hanbok first as soobin lifts his hand up, just to place it on top of beomgyu's head, ruffling his hair gently.

the fond smile on his lips almost makes beomgyu think that this is just a dream, even more as he speaks again. "can you handle more of me?"

_what._

“that’s... who do you think i am, choi soobin? in fact, i dare you to give me everything.” 

clearly some other beomgyu has taken over him. since when was he this brave? 

as soon as the look changes in soobin’s eyes, he knows he’s screwed. it’s not the dangerous kind that he often witnesses when they’re engaged in battle, or when he’s gritting his teeth in the middle of his training. it's a look that he often caught when soobin would stare at him for too long he probably didn't even realise he was doing it. 

“stop it,” beomgyu says, his false bravado from earlier slipping away as he feels warmth flooding his cheeks. 

“stop what?” soobin asks, voice low. he really can’t handle this right now.

“stop looking at me like that.” 

“why?”

“you’re going to make me think that you feel the same.”

he flinches when soobin's hand moves, sliding down from his hair to cup his cheek. his movements are gentle, touch featherlight. beomgyu wants to dissolve as he watches soobin's lips move.

“but what if i do?” 

five simple words but it’s enough to make beomgyu’s brain short circuit. he wonders if it’s shown in his face, since soobin’s lips are curled into an amused smile.

“i thought you didn’t like me like that,” beomgyu says dumbly. 

_remember to be brave._

_they do kind of look good together, don’t they?_

yonghee and sunwoo’s words swim around in his head, blending together and dizzying him. is he supposed to step forward or pull away? 

he’s only snapped out from it when soobin sighs softly, the smile still on his face, yet it’s different this time. a new kind, beomgyu realises. 

this is a smile filled with both exasperation and fondness that threatens to leave him breathless. 

“i think you’re an idiot.” 

soobin doesn’t bother adjusting the sleeve of the hanbok that’s slowly slipping off his shoulder as he wraps an arm around beomgyu’s waist and pulls him in to press their lips together. 

the door to the room is slightly open behind them and anyone could walk past and catch a glimpse of them at any moment but beomgyu can’t really bring himself to care. not when soobin is here looking unfairly beautiful in that hanbok. not when soobin is actually kissing him. 

beomgyu really hopes he isn’t dreaming. 

as if to answer his question, soobin bites down on his lower lip. “stupid. you’re not.” 

whoops. guess he said that out loud. 

“hey,” he says softly. “soobin hyung. does this mean you want to be my boyfriend?” 

“... why are you asking something so obvious?” 

“oh.” he suddenly feels very warm. “oh. okay.” soft laughter bubbles up and out of his lips as he leans in. “i like you, hyung.” 

“yeah.” soobin’s smile is small but it’s there nonetheless. “i know.” 

when the distance between them is closed once again, it's like all the pieces have fallen into place. 

later, when the sun is already showing signs of setting and daehwi has finished his business with soobin, they walk back to the dorm. their hands brush against each other with every step and beomgyu had this sudden urge to intertwine their fingers together. he settles for linking their pinkies instead. 

soobin glances down at their hands, murmurs “i’m not sure if you’ll gain anything from liking me though. i doubt i’ll be a very good boyfriend.” 

beomgyu shrugs, smiles at him. “well it’s not as if i have that much dating experience either. we can be terrible boyfriends together.” 

“terrible boyfriends,” soobin repeats with a shake of his head. “you’re strange for even liking me at all.”

“but you like me too, don’t you?” beomgyu sing songs, smile broadening just a fraction. “it’s okay, hyung. you can admit it.” 

soobin stares at him, before pressing a fleeting kiss to his forehead that leaves him flustered. 

“yes.” there’s a faint smile on his lips. “i suppose i do.” 

* * *

**beomgyu**

omg jeongin

i have a boyfriend

I HAVE A BOYFRIEND

**jeongin**

if you keep texting me this every 5 minutes i’m blocking your number

* * *

“it’s nice to see you like this, gyu.”

“like what?” 

“happy. there’s this glow to you that wasn’t there before.” yeonjun smiles at him over the dining table. “it suits you.” 

“ah.” beomgyu returns the smile, sheepish. “thanks, hyung.” 

a familiar flutter is present in his chest as he looks at yeonjun and his smile. a reminiscent of an almost forgotten love from the time his eyes were still full of innocent adoration whenever they found the older. the beomgyu from a few months ago would have leapt in joy realizing how much yeonjun cares for him.

it feels like forever ago. 

suddenly he is here, the same fifteen years old choi beomgyu who’s steeled his heart to cross the bridge for the other boy who often made him want to scream in frustration and reach out to pull him close within a same breath. 

only this time, he finds out that choi soobin hasn’t only been standing still and waiting for him to come. 

he built the bridge to meet beomgyu halfway.

* * *

they do get a little bit too much at times, classes and clubs and fighting shadows. there are times where beomgyu wants to succumb to the stress, where his chest feels heavy and constricted. 

he thinks he’ll be okay, though. he has his teammates, his friends. he has soobin who smiles at him more and watches out for him and curls a warm arm around his waist when no one’s looking. 

they’re far from done from accomplishing their shared goal, there are still so many unanswered questions. but right now, this small happiness he’s gained is enough. 

it’s more than enough. 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fair warning that things will start getting heavier from this chapter onwards. for plot purposes, kai is the same age as the second years.

hearing jeongin and hyunjin banter has become some sort of norm at this point, but lately it’s been more charged than usual. 

“call be a baby again and i _will_ cut your throat, hyunjin ssi.”

“whoa.” the statement makes beomgyu blink in mild surprise. “i can’t even tell if he’s joking or not.” 

hyunjin on the other hand remains unperturbed, amused grin widening into something sharp, shameless. “i’d like to see you try.” 

jeongin folds his arms, eyes narrowing slightly. “stop playing around.”

“how can i not when you’re just so fun to tease?” 

yeonjun and seunghun exchange looks, but decide to remain quiet. 

“what’s up with them?” sunwoo comes up, archery equipment slung over his shoulder. he hadn’t been here a while ago, he must have just come back from practise. “jeongin looks kinda tense, don’t you think so?” 

now that sunwoo’s mentioned it, beomgyu notices jeongin’s set jaw, his pursed lips. thinking back, he’s been acting a bit odd, more prone to being irritated with hyunjin compared to before. 

“everything okay with hyunjin hyung?” he asks when they’re up in his room - casual but making sure to tread carefully, not wanting to accidentally overstep. 

“sure.” jeongin’s smile is tight and unconvincing. “as okay as it can be.”

something unspoken lingers in the air, a deeper layer beneath jeongin’s words that he’s hiding from him. 

beomgyu knows when or when not to push. jeongin is a little bit similar to soobin in the way that if you push them too hard, they’ll push you right back. from time to time, you need to be patient and let the answers come to you themselves. 

“okay, just asking.” beomgyu reaches for his video game collection and flashes jeongin a mischievous smile. “wanna play mario kart and see if you can beat me this time?” 

“this time,” jeongin scoffs, shoulders visibly relaxing at the change of topic. “quit acting like you didn’t lose to me all the times we played.” 

beomgyu huffs. “don’t let it get to your head, i might just make a complete turn around.” 

they get engrossed enough in the game that beomgyu forgets about his worries for a while (jeongin ends up taking the win _again_ with a triumphant smirk, beomgyu swears he’s a monster), but they come back to him again when he’s brushing his teeth in the bathroom. 

he brings the matter up to soobin, who’s also brushing his teeth next to him. 

a part of him feels unbelievably giddy. ever since they started dating, even something as normal as this has become oddly intimate. 

he resolutely stamps down the butterflies beginning to stir in his tummy. now isn’t the time for that. 

“hyunjin and jeongin?” soobin blinks at him through the mirror, momentarily pausing his movements. “oh, so you noticed too, huh?” 

beomgyu turns to point his toothbrush at him, eyes wide in pleasant surprise. “right!? he told me everything’s okay but i dunno… with the way he’s acting around him recently, it’s like hyunjin hyung genuinely gets on his nerves or something.” 

soobin considers his words, a soft chuckle escaping his lips soon after. “you sound like a detective.”

“wh - are you making fun of me for worrying?” 

“nah.” soobin smiles at him lazily. “i think it’s cute.” 

beomgyu smacks his arm, pointedly ignoring the heat crawling up to his ears. “okay smooth talker, we’re going off topic.” 

“oh?” soobin raises an eyebrow at him, seemingly unrattled by the fact that he just got hit. why did beomgyu expect anything else, really. “you think i’m a smooth talker?” 

“um.” beomgyu suddenly regrets letting that slip. “i didn’t say anything.” 

“i’m pretty sure you just -”

“i _didn’t say anything_ ,” beomgyu insists, a saccharine smile on his face. “let’s move on, shall we?” 

soobin makes a sound that is suspiciously close to a snort. “alright, whatever you say.” 

“that’s enough flirting in the bathroom, lovebirds,” sunwoo deadpans as he walks through the door. “i’d like to do my business in peace.” 

beomgyu sputters and nearly drops his toothbrush into the sink. 

* * *

it’s october 4th, the date of yet another full moon mission.

normally, they’d all gather in the control room for yonghee to determine the shadow’s location before heading out. tonight, however, they’re short of two people. 

“... where’s hyunjin?” yeonjun asks, brows furrowed. 

“he notified me that he’ll meet up with you guys later,” yonghee informs. “he looked pretty serious so i didn’t ask any questions.” 

“huh.” yeonjun presses his lips together. “always running off... he’s lucky nothing too bad has happened to him yet.” 

“wait, jeongin isn’t here either,” seunghun states with a frown. “is he still in his room?” 

“no,” taehyun says. “i checked everyone’s rooms and jeongin was not present in his.” 

“that’s strange… where did those two go?”

yeonjun sighs. “well we’ll just have to worry about that later, we can’t afford to waste any more time. soobin, what’s your call?” 

“yonghee, have you figured out where the shadow is?” 

yonghee nods. “yes, there’s two of them this time. they’re in the plaza in front of the station.” 

“two…” soobin murmurs. “alright, let’s move out. the formation will be decided once we get there.” 

the rest of them nod in assent before filing out of the room. 

little did everyone know, hyunjin and jeongin’s absence was soon to be a bad omen. 

  
  
once they defeat the two shadows, beomgyu allows himself to finally sigh in relief. it had been a difficult battle, what with most of it running on sheer luck with the unpredictable results of the fortune arcana shadow’s roulette wheel. 

“man, talk about exhausting.” youngjae leans on his sword for support, wiping the sweat off his forehead. “i didn’t think it’d ever end. that whole deal with the roulette wheel was a pain in the ass too.” 

“i’m glad things went in our favour though,” beomgyu says. “but what happened to jeongin and hyunjin hyung?” 

“i haven’t been able to locate them yet.” yonghee chews on his lip, the worry returning to his expression. “i’m sorry.” 

“if that’s the case, let’s return to the dorm and go from there,” soobin suggests. “they couldn’t have gone very far.” 

“yeah, that’s pretty much our only option right now…” beomgyu trails off when he sees the odd look on yeonjun’s face. “yeonjun hyung? is everything okay?” 

“it’s... october the 4th, huh…” yeonjun mutters to himself, before his eyes widen slightly in realisation. “you guys go on ahead without me, i’m going to go look for them.” 

then he’s running off, leaving the rest of them to stare confusedly in his wake. 

  
  
when they return to the dorm, it’s empty. 

“there’s no one here,” sunwoo frowns. “what was up with yeonjun hyung anyway? what’s so important about october 4th?” 

“october the 4th…” seunghun murmurs, drawing in a sharp breath afterwards once it clicks. “that’s right! i got so caught up in the operation that i forgot all about it but today… today is the day jeongin’s mother was killed!” 

“wait what?” beomgyu is aghast. “are you serious?”

jeongin had mentioned this to him once in passing but beomgyu never thought to ask him to elaborate, not when he saw how his expression darkened considerably. 

“yonghee, i need you to find them immediately. there’s a good chance that they’re together… yeonjun must have already realised that.” 

“uh…” youngjae’s eyes dart back and forth between seunghun and yonghee who’s already summoned his persona. “what’s going on?” 

“it happened last year... although her death was listed as an accident, we’re the ones who killed jeongin’s mother. we were pursuing an unusual shadow sighting in the city, and we shouldn’t have been careless considering that we were in a residential area but the shadow was all we could think about.” seunghun’s mouth is set in a grim line. “hyunjin was still new at the time and he miscalculated the timing of his attack… unfortunately there was a casualty. jeongin’s mother.” 

“no way…” beomgyu whispers, everything from yeonjun and seunghun's reactions towards jeongin joining and jeongin's weird behaviour suddenly making so much sense. “then to jeongin, hyunjin hyung is…” 

“i’ve found them!” yonghee exclaims. “they’re together, and another persona user is nearby…” 

“yeonjun?” 

“no, it’s… it’s a member of strega!” 

alarm bells seem to collectively go off in everyone’s heads as they exchange alarmed looks. 

seunghun’s already running for the door. “this is turning into an absolute nightmare. come on, we need to hurry!”

  
  
the first thing beomgyu sees when they reach hyunjin and jeongin’s location is a familiar shade of crimson. too much of it.

blood, he realises in growing horror, that belongs to hyunjin, who is curled up on his side on the ground.

a cry rips itself out of yeonjun’s throat as they rush towards them. “ _hyunjin!_ ”

hyunjin glances up, a corner of his lip quirking up at the sight of them gathered around him. “heh... i knew you guys would come sooner or later.” 

“this is no time to be smiling.” yeonjun’s voice sounds like it might break at any second. “who did this to you?” 

“that darn _strega_ member, that’s who.” hyunjin tries to sit up, just to clutch at his chest, hissing at the pain. yeonjun immediately comes to his aid, helping him into a sitting position with careful movements. his gaze hardens at the mention of the name.

strega. the group of chosen people much like they are as persona users, but with a whole different purpose. they take advantage of the dark hour, harming people when they are unconscious, stripping them from the protection of their coffins just for some extra cash. and that’s why they are constantly at war with each other if they ever crossed paths during a full moon mission. 

they just never thought that those people would go this far.

beomgyu is stunned, staring at the scene unfolding before him. time swims languidly around him, yet the time is ticking so quickly for hyunjin, with each drop of blood that seeps out from the wound on his chest. it’s not stopping despite yeonjun’s attempt to press into it. yeonjun’s hands are shaking. the usually cool and composed choi yeonjun is for once rendered motionless without any option to take.

it’s impossible to seek medical help during the dark hour, and beomgyu doubts any of their teammates who are capable of healing have enough energy left to cast a spell. hell, even _he’s_ running dry. by the time the dark hour ends, it might be too late. everyone is aware of this. even hyunjin. 

that’s why the look that accompanies the pain on his face is not a panicked or hopeless one.

it’s one that’s laced with acceptance.

“what’s with that face?” even when he’s bleeding out like this, hyunjin still manages to chuckle at jeongin’s terror stricken expression. “isn’t this... what you wanted?” 

“i... i didn’t…” jeongin’s fingers dig into the concrete. “i was the one he meant to shoot… why did you…” 

“you’re still this young, jeongin,” hyunjin says softly. “take your time. turn that anger of yours into the strength you need to carry on living... there’s still so much ahead of you, so don’t waste this life of yours. okay?” 

“but hyunjin hyung... i…” 

“i didn’t think i’d ever get to hear you call me that.” hyunjin’s laugh is strained, and is almost immediately cut off by a cough. “come on now, don’t... look so scared... it’ll be alright, jeongin.” 

“no it won’t!” jeongin is near tears by now. “hyung -” 

hyunjin shushes him. there’s a soft smile on his face, which beomgyu thinks shouldn’t even be there considering that he’s losing more blood by the minute. 

he turns to soobin then who’s on his knees by his side, taking his hand in his. “soobin. promise me you’ll take care of him.” he spares beomgyu a meaningful glance, and he feels his eyes sting with unshed tears. “of the whole team. surely... you’ve learned to care for them by now, right?” 

soobin grips hyunjin’s hand so tight, as if he’s trying to anchor him here, prevent him from going under. 

“don’t speak like you’re going to leave forever,” he whispers, yet beomgyu can catch the pain in his words. he knows that there’s nothing they can do, that they’re trapped in a hopeless situation. 

after all, they’re not so different in the sense that they’ve both tasted the sorrow that comes hand in hand with loss. 

the serene smile doesn’t leave hyunjin’s face, and it’s wrong. everything about this is. “well…” he murmurs. “i didn’t think i’d die like this, but maybe this is how it should be.” 

“stop talking like that.” soobin is trying so hard to stay calm, beomgyu knows. he knows because there’s an underlying tremor in his voice, one you can only catch if you’ve taken the time to listen. “you’re going to make it, okay?” 

“mm... that would be nice, wouldn’t it…” 

all they can do is watch as hyunjin’s hand goes limp in soobin’s grasp, as his eyes slide shut, lips exhaling his final breath.

it’s as if they’ve been frozen in time by how deathly silent it is. 

silent, until it’s broken by jeongin’s broken sobs and the sound of his fists repeatedly pounding the ground. 

upon seeing how still soobin has gone, beomgyu gets down on his knees beside him, slides an arm around his waist and brings him close. it’s a silent comfort, one he hopes reaches soobin. 

just yesterday he heard him and hyunjin’s playful bantering through the sound of their swords clashing mid-air, remembered thinking that everything was finally coming together.

and yet, here they are. 

that night, no one speaks a word. 

* * *

the school holds a memorial service for hyunjin in the auditorium the next day. 

it had been terrible waking up this morning and having the memories of last night flood back. of being hit with the reality that hyunjin is gone, hyunjin is no longer here, hyunjin is _dead_. 

he hadn’t seen jeongin before he left for school this morning. he’d assumed that he went ahead without him, but even now he doesn’t spot him with his class. 

it would be a lie to say he wasn’t worried about him, he did take hyunjin’s death the hardest after all. the tears had stopped by the time they finally returned to the dorm, but beomgyu could see how he closed in on himself, refusing to meet anyone’s eyes. 

as he sits in this chair listening to the principal's eulogy of the boy with the notorious competitive streak whose life got taken away from him too early, he’s only certain of one thing. 

he never wants to go through anything like this ever again. 

* * *

today marks two weeks since the night hyunjin died. 

they’re still readjusting to a dorm with one less occupant, a team with one less member. 

jeongin’s pulled himself together somewhat. no one was able to find out where he went that time he went missing and sent everyone into a panic. all they knew was he returned the next day with his head held high, heart bearing a new resolve. 

that isn’t to say that there aren’t nights where beomgyu lays awake in bed, heart twinging when he hears the faint sobs coming from his room. times like those, he hates how thin the walls are, how even the smallest of sounds carry through. 

soobin is as strong as he needs to be when there’s been a casualty. beomgyu has yet to see him cry at all, but there have been those rare glimpses of sadness he’s managed to spot. (staring at the practise sword hyunjin always used, brief slip ups where he would nearly call out his name in tartarus before catching himself and backtracking, lingering outside his room with his hand on the doorknob.)

it’s amazing in itself that soobin is able to keep himself from breaking down considering that he must be experiencing the same grief everyone else is. hyunjin was one of the few people who managed to get close to him, whose company beomgyu knows he genuinely came to enjoy despite the many times he’d shrug off hyunjin’s arm from around his shoulder and mutter ‘personal space’. 

one night, he’s walking back to his room after taking a shower when he catches soobin lingering outside hyunjin’s door again. 

“hyung?” he calls, one hand still occupied with drying his hair with the towel. 

soobin’s shoulders jerk, slowly turning his head to face him. “beomgyu.” his expression softens. “just showered?” 

“uhuh. what are you doing out here?” 

he’s asking the obvious, he’s aware. anyone with a pair of eyes would be able to tell that soobin is in an internal debate with himself on whether to enter the room or not.

soobin gives him a crooked smile. “i’m sure you already know.” 

“... guilty as charged.” they both look at the plate with hyunjin’s name on it nailed onto the door. “are you going to go in?” beomgyu asks after deliberating over the question. 

“honestly, i don’t know,” soobin admits. “yeonjun hyung told me to help clean it out and i thought i could handle it but now... it’s like i’m being held back. it’s strange.”

“mm, i can understand. i remember my mom took ages to clear out my brother’s room too.” brief memories of hearing his mother cry while sorting through his brother’s things flash through his mind and leave a pang in his heart. 

“i never told you this but i’m sorry about your brother,” soobin murmurs. “i can’t imagine how hard it must have been for your family.” 

“it’s okay, hyung.” beomgyu smiles at him reassuringly and reaches out to take his hand in his. “but hearing that from you does mean a lot to me.” 

soobin regards him with a fond look before returning to the source of his turmoil. “i guess i should go in, huh...?” 

“if it’s any comfort, i’m right here with you.” beomgyu squeezes soobin’s hand gently for emphasis. “does that make you feel better?” 

soobin only huffs out a laugh in response before he turns the doorknob and pushes the door open. 

they walk inside, soobin’s grip on his fingers tightening just a little the further they make their way in. beomgyu hasn’t been in here much, but anyone would be able to feel how empty the room is without its owner. 

“yeonjun hyung must have packed up some of his stuff already,” soobin says. “his room was always a mess... it gave me a headache.” his voice grows thick. “looking at how decluttered it is, it really solidifies things, huh?” 

beomgyu doesn’t say anything in response, just remains close by his side. 

there’s a cardboard box placed on hyunjin’s desk. soobin walks over and opens it, taking several seconds just to stare once he sees the contents. 

when beomgyu peers inside, it turns out to be hyunjin’s armor and weapons. among the collection of swords soobin has bought for him over the months, his gaze is fixed on one in particular - a silver sword with a blade that was already beginning to rust from how often it was used. 

no matter how many times soobin handed him a replacement, hyunjin never failed to end up going back to that one. 

( _“it’s my baby,” hyunjin says proudly when beomgyu asks about it. “i’ve been battling with this ever since i joined, it holds super important value to me.”_ )

“i should do something about these.” soobin closes the box and bites his lip. “maybe take them down to the police station…” 

it’s only when soobin stops talking that beomgyu notices how his shoulders are shaking, free hand gripping the wood of the chair in front of him. 

“hyung,” he murmurs, letting go of their hands if only to wrap his arms around soobin’s waist. “it’s okay.” 

soobin sags slightly in beomgyu’s hold, tension slowly melting away as they stand there without saying a word. 

“right, so.” he says after a while, fingers brushing over the surface of the box. “i’ll go to the station tomorrow and see if these will sell for a good price. i’d take them, or give them to youngjae maybe... but it doesn’t seem right.” he smiles ruefully. “is that selfish of me?” 

“i don’t think so.” beomgyu shakes his head. “my instinct tells me that youngjae hyung would feel the same.” 

he half expects soobin to tease him about his statement, but what he does instead is turn and press a kiss to the crown of his head. 

“thanks for being here,” soobin whispers. “i know hyunjin probably would have gotten mad and called me a coward if i kept skirting around doing this.”

“well i think you’re plenty brave, hyung. honest.” beomgyu reaches out to pat his head, grinning when soobin blinks down at him. “there’s nothing to thank me for. i’ll always be here for you whether you’re happy or sad or having a tough time. you can count on me for anything.” 

“anything, huh?” when soobin smiles at him again, it’s more genuine. he might be exaggerating a bit, but beomgyu would go through hell and back if only to protect that smile of his. 

beomgyu nods, kissing the spot on soobin’s cheek right where his dimple is. “anything.” 

* * *

when yeonjun enters the dorm one night somewhere before 11, beomgyu nearly jumps in his spot in the kitchen. 

he peeks out, glass of water in his hands. “yeonjun hyung?” 

“oh, hi beomgyu.” yeonjun flashes him a weary smile. “what are you still doing up?”

“i just got thirsty. but hyung, is…” he hesitates, fingers tightening his grip on the glass. “is everything okay with you?” 

neither of them have seen yeonjun in about a week - not since the chairman’s betrayal, not since he lied to them about the elimination of the twelve shadows being the solution to ridding the world of the dark hour and tartarus. 

not since yeonjun’s father died while trying to stop him from killing them all for his own fucked up goal to bring about the fall, whatever that meant. 

it’s only been a month since they lost hyunjin, that’s barely enough time to recover completely. now they’ve experienced yet another tragedy. beomgyu has to wonder just what else this twisted world has in store for them. 

seunghun had told them that since yeonjun’s an only child, he had to step up and settle a lot of manners like the funeral and the family business. 

“he’s got his hands full,” seunghun murmured. “i wonder if he’s had time to mourn at all.”

looking at him now, it’s clear how exhausted yeonjun is, his eyes devoid of its usual shine. 

yeonjun unceremoniously plops himself down onto the couch, crossing one leg over the other. 

“am i okay?” he echoes, laughing humorlessly. “that’s a tough question. rationally, i’m supposed to be. i’m one of the oldest here, it wouldn’t be very mature of me if i let myself fall apart. hell, i’m the heir of the company. i have no choice but to act like one.” 

beomgyu bites his lip, unsure on what to do. he’s always known that behind yeonjun’s professionalism, he’s human just like the rest of them. that despite him being able to handle situations that go awry, there has to be times where he crumbles too. 

with these thoughts in mind, he sets down the glass on the counter and walks over to him, perching on one of the armchairs. 

“it’s fine if you’re not okay though,” he begins, making yeonjun shift his gaze toward him. “yes you’re the heir but that doesn’t mean you need to throw away basic human emotions in order to fit the cookie cutter image they expect of you. you just lost your father, hyung. you should be allowed to be upset, to mourn.” 

he takes in a breath, playing with his fingers the way he always does when he’s nervous. “that’s what i think, anyway. i’m sorry if i overstepped my boundaries.” 

they fall into silence and beomgyu considers hightailing it out of there when yeonjun makes a small, amused sound. 

“wow, beomgyu.” his cheek rests on his hand, a soft smile on his face. “you’ve changed quite a bit since the first day you moved in here. i didn’t think i’d ever get lectured by you of all people.”

if beomgyu’s entire face turns scarlet, it doesn’t. “ah that’s not what i -”

yeonjun chuckles. “i’m joking.” 

“hyung.” beomgyu pouts. “that’s so mean of you.” 

“i wasn’t joking about you having changed though. you’ve been through a lot, and i know what happened with seunghun back in february took a toll on you for a while.” he leans forward to place a hand on beomgyu’s. “but you’ve grown into a much stronger person since then. it makes me proud.”

 _it makes me proud_. 

“i don’t think i’ve changed that much…” beomgyu mumbles, staring down at their hands and trying to ignore the unmistakable warmth coursing through him. “besides, there’s still so much i’m not even close to understanding.” 

yeonjun hums in agreement. “i get you. but i guess all we can do for now is wait and see what happens…” 

with that, he retracts his hand and stands, running a hand through his hair. “we should get to bed. it’s getting late.” 

he looks less subdued than he was mere moments before. “thank you, beomgyu.” there’s a kind smile on his face, not entirely unlike the one he had when beomgyu first met him. “for being concerned about me. i’ll be fine.” 

it’s only after yeonjun has left for his room that beomgyu heads upstairs himself, not forgetting the glass he’d abandoned as he goes.

yeonjun’s words stay with him even as night makes way to another gray dawn. 

they most likely will for a long time.

* * *

soobin has been acting weird lately. 

by weird, beomgyu means he’s been putting some distance between them. it’s as if he’s retreating back into his shell, trying to rebuild the walls that beomgyu had spent so much effort trying to bring down. 

or maybe he’s just overthinking. there’s that too. 

whatever it is, beomgyu tries not to let this affect him in tartarus because they’re still a team and he’d be damned if he let his personal feelings affect the dynamic. they still work together just fine, so things should be okay. 

except things are definitely not okay. 

it had been another long night in tartarus when things finally went off the deep end. they’d advanced pretty high up and yeonjun was asking if they wanted to head back to the entrance when beomgyu caught sight of something shiny in the corner. he’d went for it without realising the shadow lurking in the area, allowing it to take him by surprise. 

he’d dealt with it quickly enough, only getting a bruise on the cheek in the process, and the treasure in the chest was definitely worth it. the others had brushed it off, only telling him to be more aware next time. but soobin? he had been _livid_ , cold anger in his eyes. 

“beomgyu, what was that?” somehow, his calm tone made it scarier. “you could’ve gotten off with way worse than that bruise.” 

“i didn’t though.” beomgyu frowned. “i’m not so inexperienced that i can’t handle a surprise attack.” 

“you couldn’t even hold your evoker properly for a while,” soobin snapped, the sudden raise of his voice shocking all of them. “and now you let yourself get distracted and put yourself in danger. what does that say about how experienced you are? this isn’t a game, beomgyu.” 

see, beomgyu wouldn’t say he wasn’t used to soobin being unapologetically straightforward. but this time his words cut so deep into him and they stung in the worst way possible. 

“what the hell are you talking about?” he narrowed his eyes, trying to keep his voice even. “you’re bringing up something that happened _months_ ago. and really, who’s been treating this like a game if not you, just recklessly running into battle without an ounce of care for yourself?” 

fuck, this wasn’t how it was supposed to go. 

“besides, coming into tartarus is already a danger in itself. what do you expect of me - to show up bubble wrapped?” 

sunwoo, who normally would’ve snickered at such a remark, didn’t make a sound. him and yeonjun had quietened down significantly ever since the argument started. 

soobin just stared at him without saying a word, and beomgyu really didn’t want to pick fights with him again but this was pissing him off. “oh now you want to be quiet? why? you obviously had something to say, _leader_.” 

he hadn’t meant for the venom to slip into his words like that but he couldn’t help it when soobin was being so frustrating.

“that’s not…” soobin paused as if considering, then ran a hand over his face and sighed. “enough, this is pointless.” 

“pointless? what do you mean pointle -” 

“yonghee,” soobin said into his transceiver, cutting him off. “take us back.” 

they were teleported back to the entrance in a flash of light. “welcome back! how was... the exploration...?” yonghee trailed off, the smile slipping from his face at the sight of their sour expressions. “um, did something happen?”

“nothing at all,” soobin muttered before stalking off ahead. 

wow. not very leader like, choi soobin.

the rest looked amongst themselves before turning to him for an answer. “look i don’t know what got into him,” he huffed. “he just got mad at me out of nowhere.” 

“i wouldn’t exactly say out of nowhere… you did act pretty carelessly.” 

“come on yeonjun hyung i apologised for that, didn’t i? he was the one who took it way out of proportion…” 

sunwoo shook his head, sighing wistfully. “didn’t think i’d ever witness a lovers quarrel up close.” 

“that was _not_ a lovers quarrel…!” 

“i fail to understand.” taehyun cocked his head to the side. “the both of them are not lovers.” 

jeongin rolled his eyes as everyone else snickered, the tension in the room broken. “i think they’re both idiots.” 

naturally, the aftermath of all that is they haven’t spoken to each other for four consecutive days. 

whenever they saw each other in the school hallways, soobin would turn and walk the opposite way. if one of them was hanging out in the lounge, the other would stay in their room. every time they had dinner together, one seat would be empty, the missing person varying day by day. beomgyu is well aware of just how silly they’re being but it’s not like he can do anything about it when soobin is still refusing to speak a word to him. 

it’s worse for him since soobin technically still has more power. he’d been picked over in favour of other teammates the two times they went to tartarus after the incident. beomgyu thinks this is getting ridiculous. 

“you guys haven’t talked? _still_?” jeongin shakes his head, incredulous. “how long do you two plan to keep this up?” 

“maybe ask the person who started the silent treatment in the first place,” beomgyu grumbles. “i’m suffering too, you know.” 

“hm. have you tried approaching soobin hyung first.”

beomgyu hates how jeongin makes it sound like a statement. he also hates how the patch on the carpet is suddenly very interesting. 

jeongin throws his hands up. “what did i say? _idiots_.”

he does end up listening to jeongin’s suggestion. 

that is, if pacing outside soobin’s room for five minutes counts as making the first move. 

(it should be. he _is_ making an effort to approach him about this.) 

things would probably be a lot easier if he just knocked and got it over with, but there’s always something holding him back in these kind of situations. 

_yeah. your cowardice_. the imaginary goblin in his brain (not so) helpfully supplies. 

“shut up,” he mutters. 

he wonders if he was just born unlucky because soobin opens the door at the exact moment those words escape his lips. 

“uh,” he says dumbly. “hi i don’t know if you heard that but if you did then it wasn’t directed at you, honest, it’s just that my brain gets a little bit too loud sometimes you know so i was telling it to pipe down …” 

soobin stares at him like he’s grown another head. 

on the outside, beomgyu is laughing awkwardly and trying to brush it off. on the inside, he is dramatically reenacting kermit falling off a building because in true choi beomgyu fashion, he simply never ceases to embarrass himself. 

“i thought i heard someone pacing around outside,” soobin leans against the doorframe, arms folded. “... why are you here?” 

“i... um…”

“uhuh.” 

beomgyu sighs heavily, defeated. “just. let’s talk. can we talk?” he pauses before tacking on “please.”

soobin is quiet for a moment, looking at him like he’s contemplating whether to agree or not. the answer is clear when he gives him space to enter. 

“... okay,” he says. “i guess we have to anyway.” 

the tension in the room is so thick you could probably cut it with a knife. 

soobin is sitting at his desk while beomgyu’s on his bed and this situation would’ve been slightly more comical if it was under different circumstances but unfortunately it’s not. 

no one has said a word - _he_ hasn’t said a word even though he was the one who asked to talk. 

he’s started to pick at his cuticles. it’s the only thing that’s keeping him from actively fidgeting in place. 

“... hey, don’t do that.” there’s suddenly a hand placed atop of his which makes beomgyu blink and look up. a surprised sound almost threatens to escape his lips when he sees that soobin has moved to kneel down in front of him. “you’ll bleed that way,” soobin adds quietly. 

“o-oh.” his mind is suddenly blank; all he can think about is how warm soobin’s hand is. “sorry.”

“mm. i thought you came here to talk?”

right, there’s still that to get out of the way. 

he takes a breath, opens his mouth to speak -

and what does he lead with? 

“hyung, you’ve been different lately.”

it’s clearly not the best conversation starter judging from how soobin stiffens, but he hasn’t moved his hand away so he guesses he hasn’t completely messed up. 

“i’m not trying to accuse you of anything, i just… how do i say it...” he chews on his bottom lip, contemplating his wording. “it could be just me reading too much into things but it’s like you’ve been putting up a wall between you and other people, and you’ve been more negligent over yourself than usual, always rushing off to face shadows. then you got mad at me that night in tartarus and i… ” he runs a hand through his hair, frustrated. “that was really ironic of you to say, hyung. i don’t even know why you acted the way i did. i have no idea what you’re thinking.” 

the room turns quiet for a moment, until soobin searches his face and asks “are you done?”

“uh.” beomgyu clears his throat, feeling embarrassed all of a sudden. “yes. yeah.” 

“okay.” soobin rubs the skin of his knuckles gently with his thumb. “i’m not going to deny anything you said because you’re right,” he admits. “but i do have my reasons.”

beomgyu doesn’t say anything, which soobin takes an indicator to continue. 

“we’ve lost quite a lot lately, haven’t we?” there’s a paper thin quality to soobin’s voice, quieter than usual. “first it was hyunjin, now it turns out that the reason we were fighting all this time was a scheme orchestrated by the chairman. we don’t have a goal anymore. that made me think about something that hasn’t come to mind in a while, which is pretty amazing in its own right.”

“and what’s that?”

soobin smiles at him wryly. “did you know that the whole point of me not wanting to get attached to people in the first place is because i know i’ll lose them eventually? who’s to say that we won’t drift apart now that we have nothing in common to tie us together anymore?”

“... huh?” beomgyu blinks at him, slow and disbelieving. 

“more than that, our lives are fleeting things. delicate. wouldn’t it be better if i never tried to form connections with anyone? it’d be a lonely, listless existence, but at least it won’t hurt so much when they leave.”

he laughs, short and bitter. “that might be childish of me though.” 

“hyung.” beomgyu starts. stops. he’s too nonplussed by this revelation to form a proper sentence. “soobin hyung,” he tries again. “are you scared?” 

he doesn’t know why that’s what he chooses to say, but soobin’s words have made him sound the most human in this period of time that beomgyu has known him. 

beomgyu has peeled back enough of his layers to know that behind that stony and blunt exterior, soobin undoubtedly has a heart like the rest of them, albeit one that’s just a little bit jaded, a little bit worse for wear. 

a heart that he’s kept bandaged and guarded for his own self preservation. it’s a means of survival beomgyu recognises, one that he’s implemented himself during his lowest times and he couldn’t bring himself to trust anybody. not until yeonjun came and made him think it wouldn’t kill him to open up again. 

soobin doesn’t respond, and beomgyu is about to resign himself to the fact that he probably won’t get one when soobin speaks in a tone so soft beomgyu almost doesn’t catch what he says. 

“... i guess i am.” soobin rubs his eyes, another short burst of brittle laughter escaping his lips. “i’ve become weak, letting people in and having to stop myself from getting sad when they eventually go. this is exactly the kind of pain that i didn’t want, that i didn’t ask for.” 

he looks up at beomgyu, and his uncharacteristically anguished expression sends a pang straight to beomgyu’s heart. “why did you have to try so hard with me, beomgyu?” he whispers. “what made you think i was worth the effort?”

“what are you asking me this for?” beomgyu stares at him, dumbfounded. “why _wouldn’t_ you be worth the effort?”

“i’ve accepted that i’m always meant to be a drifter, beomgyu.” soobin’s eyes are devastatingly miserable. “i never stay long enough in one place, which is ideal if i’m being honest. i’ve said this before, but there’s not much to gain from me, if nothing at all.” 

“that’s not true.” 

“i’ve gotten used to this, and yet…” soobin’s fingers tremble from where they’re placed on top of his own. “when i’m with you, beomgyu, i find myself wanting to stay. when i’m with you, i start to fear everything. i fear loss, the bone crushing sorrow that comes with it. i fear for the day our time together will end. that’s why, i…” he looks away, biting his lip. 

“you what?” beomgyu tilts soobin’s head up so that they’re making eye contact again. “are you afraid of losing me?” 

soobin frowns. “why do you think i got angry with you that night? i’m fine with putting my life on the line but if it’s you... i don’t think i’d be able to stand it if you ever got severely injured.” 

beomgyu softens, leaning in to press their foreheads together, their breaths mingling in the space between them. “listen to me, hyung. i understand where you’re coming from. it’s difficult not to. but isn’t that fear the exact reason why we should keep holding on to each other?” 

soobin makes a confused noise and beomgyu smiles despite himself. 

“because we’re both terrified of being left alone, isn’t that all the more why we should stay together? by caring for each other, we make sure we don’t experience such loss ever again,” he says softly. “i’m not going anywhere, soobin hyung. neither of us are. so don’t distance yourself from us.” 

“how are you so sure about that?” 

“we might have been a bunch of people made to live together because we have the same power, but there’s no denying the fact that we’ve become friends. with a goal or not, i think it’s a given that we’ll always have each other’s backs.”

beomgyu presses a kiss to soobin’s nose before pulling away. “okay? trust me on this. i said this once and i’ll say it again. i’ll always be here for you.” 

his voice is firm and full of resolve and apparently enough to make soobin crack a smile. “okay,” he murmurs, and beomgyu wouldn’t be able to tell if he’s being sincere or not if not for him intertwining their fingers and squeezing gently. “i’ll hold you to that then.” 

soobin’s actions more often than not make up for his lack of speech, and for beomgyu that’s enough. 

“good.” beomgyu feels slightly more at ease now that the storm previously clouding soobin’s eyes has faded. “i’d be pretty offended if you didn’t trust your own boyfriend after all.” 

that earns him soft laugher, and beomgyu vastly prefers soobin like this - happy and not plagued by intrusive thoughts that make him retreat into himself. it feels so rewarding too, making the agonizing moments leading up to this conversation worth it. 

“and one more thing,” he adds. “it seriously rubs me the wrong way that you’re okay with putting yourself at risk when it shouldn’t be like that. when you’re part of a team, you should be able to rely on your teammates. that’s what we’re all here for, to back you up. we’ll protect you, hyung.” 

soobin seems to turn the words over in his head, smiling to himself. “right,” he says, chuckling. “that’s right, huh.” 

beomgyu nods, relieved that he’s gotten through to him somewhat. 

“i’m sorry for snapping at you,” soobin continues. “i worry about you, and i know being a persona user automatically means having to put yourself in danger’s way, but i didn’t want you risking yourself too much. that doesn’t excuse what i said though, especially not when i tend to do the same thing.” he rubs the back of his neck, almost bashful. “i didn’t mean for my words to come off as you being incapable, not when you’re far from that. i think you’re amazing, beomgyu. honest.”

there’s nothing that could have possibly prepared beomgyu for what soobin just said which is terribly inconvenient and needs to be changed immediately because now he’s pretty sure he’s blushing. 

he presses one hand to his cheek just to make sure. it’s warm. 

damn it. 

“it’s okay, i’m over it.” he looks down at his lap. “thanks, hyung. you are too, though i’m sure you know that already.” 

soobin hums. “i’m not that great, but thanks anyway.” 

“not that great.” beomgyu shoots him an unimpressed look. “are you really being humble right now?” 

“no?” 

“ah hyung, you seriously…” beomgyu shakes his head but decides to let it slide. “we’re so stupid though,” he huffs out a laugh. “avoiding each other when we could’ve just done this from the beginning.” 

“yeah.” soobin smiles slightly. “we are.” 

“... we’re okay now, right?” for a split second, beomgyu allows his uncertainty to be heard. 

“yeah,” soobin says again, soft and fond and turning his worries into dust. “we’re okay.” 

* * *

beomgyu doesn’t like that kai person. 

by kai he means huening kai, the person who transferred into soobin’s class recently and has already become the subject of the latest rumors circulating around the school.

rumors that involve him being way too clingy with his boyfriend.

“he’s seriously stuck to him like glue,” youngjae had commented when they were walking to the station together after school. “who knows why?”

“like glue, huh.” 

he didn’t realise he was glowering until youngjae snickered. 

“if looks could kill i’d be dead by now,” he joked. “but i don’t think he means any harm, no need to worry so much. you’ll get wrinkles.” 

at that last bit, beomgyu swat him on the arm. “yeah, right.”

he tried not to worry about it, he really did. but it became increasingly difficult once he saw for himself just how much kai hung around him. 

and so he sulks, and sulks, and sulks. 

“is it really that bad?” sunwoo asks one night, draped over the arm of the couch. “kai looks like a fun guy.”

“he _is_ a fun guy,” youngjae pipes up. “beomgyu’s just jealous because he keeps stealing soobin,” he adds with a snicker. 

“i’m not jealous,” beomgyu snaps. “why would you even say that?” 

“i mean that would explain a lot actually.” sunwoo’s eyes are twinkling with amusement. “ _are_ you jealous, beomgyu?” 

“i just told you, i’m not!” 

“are you sure?” youngjae teases. “why else have you been sulking these past few days?” 

beomgyu decides right then and there that he will give them both hell during practise later as a form of petty retaliation. 

it doesn’t help that this is reminding him an awful lot of what happened with daehwi back in summer.

“it’s nothing to be ashamed of, jealousy is a natural emotion to have,” sunwoo says, raising a hand when beomgyu tries to argue. “after all, this is your first relationship. and with all the secret and not so secret admirers soobin has somehow managed to collect at school i don’t really blame you for feeling this way.” 

“i didn’t know soobin hyung had admirers,” beomgyu mutters sullenly, mood taking a further plunge into the abyss. 

“wait. you didn’t?” youngjae actually sounds bewildered by this. 

“i would have been better off being ignorant to that.” 

youngjae and sunwoo exchange looks, managing to have an entire conversation with prolonged eye contact and eyebrow theatrics alone. 

“can you not do that when i’m right here watching?” beomgyu grumbles. “you’re just making me feel worse.” 

“sorry, sorry. but i gotta say, i didn’t expect you _not_ to know -”

“can we drop that please?” beomgyu’s tone is sharp enough that it startles the both of them including taehyun who’s just come down to the lounge. 

“i detect a disturbance in the atmosphere,” taehyun states, gaze switching between beomgyu and the two second years. “is something the matter?” 

“beomgyu’s having a dilemma over whether or not he’s jealous of kai hogging soobin all the time,” sunwoo supplies, pointedly ignoring the glare beomgyu sends his way. 

taehyun is immediately on full alert, eyes narrowing at the mention of kai’s name. youngjae told him that taehyun had been strangely wary of him that one time he invited kai over to the dorm. “he is dangerous,” he says firmly. 

beomgyu might not know the reason behind taehyun’s dislike for kai but any agreement is better than none. “see?” he turns to youngjae and sunwoo, triumphant. “taehyun agrees.” 

“so you’re admitting to being jealous,” youngjae says. 

beomgyu doesn’t dignify him with a response, though he can already feel his ears burning up. this is hilarious enough to sunwoo that he starts cackling, almost falling off the couch in the process. 

shame he didn’t. it would serve him right, really. 

if he sleeps fitfully that night, he blames it entirely on those two. 

  
  
the next day when he comes looking for soobin at his classroom after school, he barely gets a word in before there’s someone going “soobinnie!” and kai is bounding over to them looking all for the world like an overexcited puppy. 

_since when has he started calling him that_ , beomgyu wonders irritably. _took me a few months to even get past soobin ssi_. 

“good thing i caught you! do you want to hang out?” kai’s smile is warm yet it makes beomgyu’s insides feel awfully cold. 

“ah, sorry i already made plans with him.” soobin gestures towards beomgyu with a tilt of his head. “maybe next time.” 

“oh, i see!” kai looks at beomgyu, just now realising that he is very much present. “and you are…?”

 _i’m soobin hyung’s boyfriend please stop hanging off his arm thank you_ , is the scathing response he has in mind but the last thing he wants is to potentially say something that will make soobin uncomfortable so he settles for “i’m choi beomgyu. a first year.” 

“choi beomgyu…” kai nods to himself. “sounds familiar actually. i think youngjae mentioned you to me.” 

“really?” beomgyu leans forward just a little. “did he tell you anything else?” 

he must have come off as too obvious because he swears he hears soobin try to suppress a chuckle. 

kai on the other hand seems oblivious (bless him for that), blinking at him curiously. “he just said you guys live in the same dorm and…” he stops, light bulb clicking behind his eyes as his lips quirk up into a knowing smile. “you and soobin are close, right?” 

“well yes but -” 

“he’s my boyfriend,” soobin interjects calmly, and it’s so shocking that beomgyu is left to gawk at him. 

“right, right. i had a feeling that was it.” kai doesn’t even look thrown off, if anything his smile widens. “that’s great! i’m happy for you two.”

beomgyu pauses his gawking momentarily to look back at kai. he still doesn’t know what to make of all this. “oh, uh. thanks…” 

“i won’t keep you guys then. see you tomorrow!” kai says cheerily before going on ahead of them. 

it’s only when they’ve stepped past the school gates that beomgyu finds it in him to bring it up. “hyung. did you really just tell him i’m your boyfriend?” 

“yes.” 

“out loud. from your mouth.” 

“yes, beomgyu,” soobin answers, patient. 

“wow.” beomgyu laughs in amazement. “that really happened, huh.” 

“it did.” soobin is smiling now too. “is it that surprising?”

“i’ve never actually heard you refer to me as your boyfriend before.” 

“... i haven’t?”

“nope. but i’m glad you did.” beomgyu leans up to kiss his cheek, not really caring that they’re still surrounded by other students. “sure makes me feel better about stuff.”

“like you being jeal -”

beomgyu cuts him off before he can finish his sentence, laughter of the nervous kind this time spilling out of his lips. “we better get going, hyung! wouldn’t want to block the way.” 

inwardly, he contemplates if he can get away with murdering two certain second years in their sleep. 

  
  
“beomgyu!” kai’s eyes actually light up when they happen to meet each other on the train. “it’s nice to see you again.”

beomgyu, who has yet to completely feel the same way, tries to plaster on his most convincing smile. “hey, kai ssi.” 

“i’ve yet to have a proper conversation with you so i think this is a great opportunity!” kai chirps as he takes the (unfortunately) empty space beside him. “soobin’s pretty reserved but he talks about you quite a bit, believe it or not.” 

beomgyu sort of hates how quick he is to perk up at that. “... yeah?”

“mhm.” kai bobs his head in confirmation. “he probably doesn’t realise it himself but he gets this super fond look in his eyes whenever he does. it’s so cute. i’m a bit envious honestly.” 

beomgyu isn’t sure what to feel about kai calling his boyfriend cute. he is also trying very hard not to let his smile widen at the thought of said ‘super fond look’ in his eyes. 

“he’s an amazing guy, isn’t he? he’s kinder than he lets himself admit, and he cares about people in his own quiet way. love doesn’t necessarily have to be this grandiose thing, i think, as long as you can still sense their affections.” kai smiles at him, genuine. “you’re lucky to have someone who loves you as much as soobin does.” 

love. the term makes him feel all funny. giddy, almost. 

“i am,” he murmurs. “as odd as he is sometimes, i wouldn’t trade him for anyone else.”

“good. i hope you take care of him well.”

“you don’t need to tell me that,” beomgyu huffs. “i already know.”

and he does. he can’t pinpoint the exact moment he started feeling this way, but he wants to always be by soobin’s side, even after everything is over and they don’t have to fight anymore.

the warmth settling in his stomach is accompanied with the thought that maybe kai isn’t that bad after all. 

* * *

soobin and him talk in the lounge sometimes, when everyone else has already headed upstairs to their rooms and it’s only the two of them left. it’s another routine they’ve seemed to develop, along with their weekly late night walks. beomgyu can’t say he doesn’t like it, not when he gets to see the soobin who’s less guarded than usual. 

their conversations aren’t necessarily about battle strategies and team formations. most of the time they just talk about stuff like games they’re enjoying, movies they’ve watched recently, what they’re going to eat tomorrow.

small things that might seem uninteresting but don’t hold any less importance. small things that beomgyu keeps in his heart for safekeeping. 

some nights, they’re just a little bit more vulnerable, revealing secrets they never planned on sharing before. 

“i used to think there was no real meaning in doing anything.” soobin admits into the peaceful quiet, expression reminiscent. “attending school, participating in clubs, leading the team. i always just did what was expected of me, thought it would be fine if i carried on that way. i didn’t think i’d ever find myself wanting to change.” he glances at beomgyu, a hint of a smile on his lips. “but then someone made me second guess myself, made me consider actually trying.” 

“hey, i think you should be thanking me.” beomgyu crosses his arms, adamant. “you’d probably still be stuck in that boring, friendless bubble of yours if i hadn’t intervened. if you think about it, i probably saved your life.”

he expects soobin to retort back. what he doesn’t expect is the almost fond look in soobin’s eyes. 

“yeah,” he murmurs. “you did. it’s not so dull anymore, thanks to you.”

oh.

he had only been half joking when he said that but now that soobin has confirmed it -

he shifts his eyes elsewhere and rubs at his nose, suddenly feeling very flustered. “... i’m glad then.” 

“what are you looking away for?” soobin teases. “are you embarrassed?” 

red blooms on the shell of beomgyu’s ears. he can’t help it - he doesn’t think he’ll ever get used to soobin being like this. 

“be quiet choi… soobin…” he turns to face him again with a huff just to trail off when he realises just how close their faces are. 

soobin doesn’t move away. neither does he. 

his skin prickles like someone’s run a current through it. like soobin has. maybe he’s the current. maybe soobin is lightning. 

up close, his eyes are similar to clouds reflected in water. they’re mesmerising - everything about him is. 

he’s turned into a sap. maybe that isn’t necessarily a bad thing. 

soobin still doesn’t move away and he… 

he doesn’t know what he’s supposed to be doing. 

soobin is right here, he could reach out and touch him if he wanted to. 

maybe he should. 

he breathes in the scent of vanilla and sleep, fingers reaching out to brush a lock of hair out of soobin’s eyes -

and then he yawns in his face. 

once it happens, he immediately clamps his hands over his mouth in horror. but it’s too late. the damage has already been done. 

to his surprise (shock? delight? relief? all of the above and more?), soobin doesn’t look at him all weirdly like he’d been anticipating. instead, he starts laughing - he’s laughing and he’s bent over a little from the force of it, eyes crinkling at the corners. 

beomgyu thinks he might go into cardiac arrest. 

a small voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him _you are so fucked_. beomgyu usually doesn’t like the imaginary goblins hanging around in his brain because all they ever do is plant evil, evil thoughts like they’re paid to do it but this time?

this time he’s inclined to agree. 

maybe he’ll be fine with unintentionally making a fool out of himself like this if it meant he got to hear soobin laugh freely like this again. 

“sorry, sorry,” soobin breathes out. “yeah it is pretty late, huh? i didn’t think we’d stay up tonight either.” 

there’s still a smile lingering on his lips. distantly, beomgyu thinks about kissing it. 

soobin gets up, stretching a little before turning to beomgyu and holding his hand out. “come on.” 

beomgyu blinks at his outstretched hand, then blinks up at soobin. he looks soft in the dim lighting. he looks handsome, but that’s not anything new. he always is, even now in his worn out sleep clothes. 

_you could kiss him. he wouldn’t push you away._

“beomgyu?” 

he responds by taking soobin’s hand, smiling a little at the surprised noise he makes when he tugs him back down and presses a chaste kiss to his lips. 

kissing soobin isn’t something he’s perfected - they haven’t done it that often after all. there’s only so much time they can have to themselves before they’re once again whisked away by responsibilities. 

but they don’t have to be perfect. they don’t have to know what they’re doing.

they can figure it out along the way. together. 

“goodnight soobinnie,” he says cheekily once he pulls away, barely giving soobin a chance to react before he escapes upstairs to his room. 

_you saved my life too. multiple times. even in ways i didn’t think you would._

one day, he’ll tell him. 

(maybe he already knows.)

* * *

december comes before beomgyu even realises it.

and once again, his entire world tilts. 


	4. Chapter 4

in life, there is one cold, hard fact that you should accept without any arguments. 

this world is not supposed to be a permanent place. there will come a day where it will burn away, where everything and everyone will be reduced to ash, returned to their maker. 

beomgyu just never expected that to be told that that day would be arriving sooner than anyone thought it would. 

he never expected the person to tell them this to be kai; friendly kai with the sunny smiles who was now regarding them all with uncharacteristically sad eyes. 

taehyun had disappeared shortly before the dark hour began, and after yonghee managed to locate him at the moonlight bridge, they wasted no time in heading over - just to find kai standing there with a grave expression, taehyun damaged at his feet. 

“taehyun!” 

at the sound of their hurried footsteps, taehyun glanced up and over at soobin, who had kneeled down and gently pulled taehyun to lay on his lap. 

“i... i’m sorry… i remember now… who i am… who he is.”

“taehyun, how did this happen…?”

“i know why i wanted to be by your side… i’m so sorry… i failed.”

“there’s no need for you to apologize,” kai said softly, grabbing everyone’s attention. 

“kai.” soobin’s mouth was set in a grim line. “tell me what’s going on.”

“that was my name for a time.”

“kai!” 

“i did enjoy it, my time with you.”

“ _huening kai_!”

seconds passed with the both of them just staring at each other in silence, before beomgyu spoke up, confusion coating his words. 

“what are you doing here? it’s the dark hour right now, you shouldn’t be…”

“the shadow reaction i detected,” yonghee murmured. “it’s... it’s coming from him.”

“you’re joking.” youngjae shook his head in disbelief. “there’s no way kai can be a shadow.”

“to be precise, i’m not,” kai finally spoke. “i’ve forgotten up until now, but… i’ve evolved one step above the shadows. what i am is the appriser, born when all of the twelve arcana shadows have been reunited.”

“the appriser.” yeonjun repeated slowly. “you?” 

“after you defeated that final shadow, didn’t you hear the sound of the bells ringing? that was when everything was set in place.” 

“set in place?” seunghun frowned. “what was?”

there wasn’t a single trace of emotion present in kai’s eyes. it was so unlike the kai beomgyu got used to, the kai that would laugh loudly without restraint and give out hugs and belly rubs at any given opportunity. 

in that moment, beomgyu felt like he was looking at a stranger, not the boy he came to acknowledge as a friend. 

when kai answered, it was with an air of finality. 

“the fall.”

* * *

a quick summary of the events that transpired that beomgyu preferably does Not want to think about but he has to anyway: 

kai, who they thought all along to be a normal boy just like them ends up not being a boy, but a shadow, one unlike the others. he is the 13th arcana, death - the arcana that was never meant to be but was brought into existence as a result of the experiment conducted by yeonjun’s grandfather that went awry. he is the appriser, the one that causes nyx, the mother of all shadows, to awaken as she is drawn to him. his existence is the affirmation of the fall, and when the fall comes, all life will vanish. 

ten years ago, he and taehyun fought, and upon realising that he couldn’t defeat kai, taehyun sealed him inside soobin who happened to be nearby as an act of desperation. when soobin awoke to his persona, so did the twelve shadows, all in order to become one with kai. however, because soobin carried him inside him, he was able to gain a human form and experience emotions like the rest of them despite being born from a collection of shadows. this was why he was able to take pity on them enough to provide them with a choice. 

it’s either they have kai die at soobin’s hands to delay the coming of the fall and erase their memories of the dark hour, or they continue to live every single day paralyzed in fear by their impending death.

“i don’t want you all to suffer.” to kai’s credit, he actually sounded sorry. “you might not want to have your memories disappear, but i’d rather you not have to spend every single second from now on terrified by your absolute death. i’ll be back for your decision on new year’s eve, so please… think about this wisely.”

so in conclusion, the world is fucking ending and they have to choose how exactly they’ll go out. 

and now the important question: how the hell are they supposed to do that? 

* * *

“don’t you think the city’s been gloomy lately?”

jeongin has his hand out to catch a stray snowflake, watching it melt in his palm. the sky above them is gray, the chilly air nipping at beomgyu’s cheeks and seeping into his bones. 

“it’s somehow so quiet. even at school.” 

beomgyu glances around the area, eyes landing on a man sitting on the steps who’s staring blankly into space, uncaring about the cold. 

“in a way, it’s to be expected... apathy syndrome cases have been on the rise.” he buries his nose into his scarf, pensive. “doesn’t make it any less depressing though.” 

they stand there without exchanging any more words for a while, the bleakness of the situation making itself more apparent in their minds. 

“hey, beomgyu?”

“hm?”

“is there really nothing we can do?”

“... i don’t know.”

there’s nothing more beomgyu would like than to be optimistic about this, to have hope that they can prevent everyone from being inflicted with apathy syndrome, from being wiped out completely. 

but how can he, when the options they’re presented with are equally as petrifying? how can he put on a cheery facade when the end of the world is drawing near? 

“i don’t think anyone does.” 

* * *

“soobinnie hyung, close your eyes for a minute?” 

they’re in soobin’s room again, sitting side by side at the foot of his bed. soobin’s reading a book, beomgyu’s chin resting on his shoulder with an arm wrapped around his waist. 

“you sure like coming here, huh?” soobin said once beomgyu’s visits became more frequent. “it’s not as if there’s anything much to see.”

“i don’t care about that.” beomgyu waved at him dismissively, stepping inside with a grin. “i came here to spend time with you, not to evaluate your room.”

“i never said you could come in.”

“but i’m your boyfrieeend, you can’t deny me this.” he fluttered his eyelashes at him, smirking to himself when the corner of soobin’s lips twitched. “don’t you agree, hyung?” 

soobin gave him a look that sent a shiver down beomgyu’s spine before shutting the door behind them and covering beomgyu’s mouth with his. 

not to say that they spend all their time kissing, of course. sometimes, they study together - soobin’s actually a pretty good teacher, his way of phrasing things easy to follow. maybe it’s not so surprising, considering how naturally he yells out orders in tartarus. 

other times, they relax and simply enjoy each other’s company, like they are right now. they don’t necessarily have to talk, just being with each other is enough. 

“what for?” soobin doesn’t look up from his book, though his fingers pause from where they’re about to turn the page. 

“you’ll see!” 

soobin shifts in place so that he’s facing him, eyebrow raised. he doesn’t need to say anything for beomgyu to figure out what he’s thinking.

“i solemnly promise it’s not anything bad,” he says seriously, hand placed over his heart for extra measure. 

soobin shakes his head fondly before giving in, shutting his book and setting it to the side. “alright then.”

once soobin’s eyes are closed, beomgyu takes out the box he’d been hiding in his hoodie pocket and opens it to reveal the necklace inside. it’s a simple, silver chain with a crescent moon pendant - at some point in time, soobin started reminding him of the moon with his quiet comfort and how beomgyu felt significantly calmer just by looking at him. 

he fastens it around soobin’s neck with careful fingers, humming in satisfaction when he’s done. 

“okay, you can open your eyes now.” 

soobin’s gaze drifts down to his neck, lips parting slightly in surprise. “what’s this for?” 

“don’t you remember what day it is?” 

the blank stare soobin gives him is an answer in itself. beomgyu chooses not to tease him for it, considering everything else weighing down on his mind. 

“it’s your birthday, hyung.”

the words take a while to register, but when they do, soobin looks back down at the necklace with a quiet “oh. that’s today, huh.” 

one thing about soobin was he didn’t see his birthday worth celebrating, had stopped seeing meaning in it a long time ago. 

“it’s only the day i was born,” he said with a shrug. “there’s nothing special about it.”

it hurt beomgyu’s heart, that soobin saw himself as a person that nobody should put effort into, that he probably developed that mindset after years of not staying long enough in one place. 

as someone who was blessed enough to grow up in a loving family, as someone soobin trusted his heart with, he wants to give soobin the chance to experience genuine happiness that had long been stripped away from him. 

“i didn’t think you’d actually remember,” soobin murmurs, lifting the chain and holding the pendant up to the light. “i mentioned it quite a while ago.”

“my memory isn’t to be underestimated,” beomgyu says proudly, eliciting a soft smile from soobin. “do you like it?”

soobin hums, leaning closer into the space between them and rests his forehead on beomgyu’s shoulder. “i do. thank you, beomgyu.”

beomgyu grins, pleased, and pats his head affectionately. “of course, hyung.” 

“time really passes,” soobin muses. “if i’m being honest, i never thought i’d make it this far.”

“judging from how you’ve been battling? yeah, i can see that,” beomgyu jokes, earning him a light jab in the side for his efforts. “okay, sorry, go on.”

“i told you once that the idea of a future didn’t seem plausible for me.”

beomgyu nods slowly, the conversation from their very first late night walk still present in his collection of memories. 

“everyday just seemed so repetitive, you know? even waking up started to turn into a struggle. i got sick of life to the point of indifference. at some point, i just didn’t want to be here anymore.” 

“do you still feel that way now?”

“sometimes,” he confesses. “when things start getting too much and my brain acts up. it’s an effort in itself to keep myself afloat on those days.”

he lifts his head up to meet beomgyu’s eyes, a small smile on his lips. “but somehow, you made going from day to day more bearable. i’ve met all sorts of people in this city, yet the boy that yelled at me to pay attention to them became the person who comforted me the most.” 

beomgyu isn’t sure whether to feel flattered by soobin’s words or mortified by that particular incident that occurred between them. 

_you’re insane, choi beomgyu,_ he laments. _you’re so insane_. 

“o - okay, well.” he casts around for a proper response in an attempt to mask his embarrassment. “isn’t that a good thing, hyung? that you find it easier at least?”

“i suppose so. but that’s about all i can wish for, right? it certainly isn’t getting any better.”

 _because our deaths are approaching as we speak_ , is what he doesn’t say yet beomgyu can tell that’s what he’s thinking. 

he rests their foreheads together, one hand cradling the back of soobin’s neck. “i’m proud of you regardless, hyung,” he whispers. “for existing. i’m... i’m really glad you do.”

soobin closes his eyes, swallows. if there’s a wobble in his voice when he whispers ‘thank you’ for the second time, beomgyu doesn’t mention it. 

* * *

in hindsight, maybe it had been pretty insensitive of beomgyu to tease youngjae about being scared, especially when they’re in the middle of discussing the actual apocalypse. no, not maybe. it definitely was. 

“what’s that supposed to mean, beomgyu?” youngjae turns to him, jaw clenched. “we’re going to _die_. of course i’m scared!”

“youngjae hyung, i -”

“you all need to wake up. we’re talking about death here, this isn’t a game!”

“then what do you want to do, youngjae?” yeonjun’s expression is neutral, but there’s no way he isn’t feeling troubled. “do you want to kill kai?”

“there’s nothing i _can_ do, soobin’s the only one that can kill him.” he glares in soobin’s direction, stalking over to him with his hands curled into fists. “doesn’t that make this your fault? you... carried that thing inside you and you never even noticed. you raised it for fuck’s sake, this is all your fault!” 

“youngjae, stop it!” 

yonghee’s cry falls on deaf ears when youngjae grabs soobin by the collar, wearing the angriest expression anyone has ever seen on him. “fix this! you’re supposed to be special, right!?” 

soobin stares at him, slightly widened eyes filled with guilt. an age seems to pass before he looks away, whispering out an apology. 

“quit it, youngjae.” even sunwoo sounds genuinely frustrated with him. “it’s not his fault. if he didn’t carry it within him all this time we wouldn’t even have a choice.” 

“i know, damn it. but…”

“i can’t take this anymore. please just stop.” yonghee has his arms wrapped around himself, shoulders shaking and eyes squeezed shut. “we’re all scared too, youngjae. it’s not just you.” 

seunghun’s by his side in an instant, wrapping a comforting arm around him. 

the shakiness of yonghee’s voice is enough to silence youngjae, his hands letting go of soobin’s collar. 

“um, youngjae hyung,” beomgyu begins hesitantly. “i’m sorry i teased you. i was just trying to lighten up the mood… truth is, i’m terrified... i didn’t think we’d be faced with something like this.” 

“beomgyu…” 

yeonjun looks around at all of them, and upon seeing how shaken everyone is, purses his lips. “it’s clear we’re not prepared to make a decision just yet. kai said he’ll be back on new year’s eve, so we still have some more time to think it over. until then… let’s just try and live our lives as normally as possible.” 

soobin’s the first to slip out, head lowered. beomgyu manages to catch him by the elbow just as he’s about to disappear into his room. 

“hyung,” he says softly. “what are you going to do?”

“... i don’t know.” soobin rarely allows himself to show any signs of helplessness, but this time seems to be an exception. he looks lost, teeth worrying his bottom lip. “i really don’t know, beomgyu.”

* * *

one mistake you can ever make is setting your expectations too high on the world. 

it isn’t a soft, magical place that children are first led to believe through sunday morning cartoons and fairytales read to them at bedtime. you’re always at risk of cutting yourself on the sharp, jagged edges if you're not careful enough. 

words are strange in the sense that while they can be spun into pretty things, they can also be transformed into lethal weapons - sweet honey turned deadly poison. 

while beomgyu was too young when his brother died to fully comprehend the rumors flying around about him, he knew people were saying things, had heard their whispers during the funeral.

he’d asked his mother about it once with a small frown, confused by what he couldn’t understand. his mother had told him not to worry about it, the smile she put on for him not reaching her eyes. 

it was only much later, after they had to move twice, that he learned that people were hurling insults involving his brother that cut deep into his parents' hearts yet they pretended to be fine in front of him, hiding the hurt they felt. 

he always wondered how they could still be so kind. even when beomgyu punched someone in the face for insulting his brother, they didn’t scold him. they only looked sad when he explained why he did it, his mother pulling him into a hug afterwards. 

“there will never be a shortage of mean people out there, sweetheart,” she said softly. “sometimes it’s impossible to change their minds no matter how hard we try. what’s important is that you keep believing in what you think is right.”

her advice had stuck with him, had been the reason why he still chose to have faith in his brother despite the few times where he felt doubt. 

now, as he stares at the cd yonghee handed over to him a day after everything with the chairman happened, the cd that he delayed watching, he can feel the nerves coming back to him. 

although the chairman did admit to doctoring the footage yeonjun’s father showed them, beomgyu still has his fears. 

_what if nothing much has changed? what if he's still at fault?_

after a few minutes pass of him stalling, he finally decides to throw his worries to the wind and plays the cd on his laptop.

“i pray that this recording reaches safe hands.”

beomgyu’s breath snares in his throat upon seeing and hearing his brother again. it might have been ten years but he still misses him terribly.

“my employer has become obsessed with a loathsome idea. this experiment should have never been set into motion, that’s why i had to interrupt it. however, in doing so, i have set free a number of shadows that will undoubtedly torment future generations. please, and i cannot stress this enough, don’t hunt the shadows that have been dispersed!”

“huh?” beomgyu sits up straighter, leaning closer to the screen in confusion. “this part’s…”

“i wasn’t able to stop this from happening, he won’t listen no matter what i say. now the shadows are trying to eat each other, but if they’re reunited, then we’ll all be doomed. i’ll say this again, leave the shadows be!”

the realisation hits him like a bucket of cold water to the face.

his brother was trying to stop the experiment. he never agreed with it in the first place. 

“there’s not much hope for me now. i just have one favor to ask, as selfish as it might sound… whoever finds this, please give my younger brother, beomgyu, this message.”

at the mention of his name, beomgyu’s eyes widen.

“i know i promised that i’d come home soon, and i’m so sorry that i have to break it… but i want you to know that the moments i spent with you were what made me happiest. i’m sure you’ll grow up to be a wonderful person.”

“hyung…” 

“i love you. please take care of yourself… and of mom and dad too.”

when the video’s sound goes into static before shutting off, beomgyu is left speechless for a few seconds as he stares at the now black screen.

“so i made the right choice to keep trusting him…” tears fill his eyes and cascade down his cheeks, tears that he attempts to wipe away with a watery laugh. “god, this is so…”

he looks up at the ceiling, smiling.

“hey, hyung? if you’re listening... i want to let you know that i’m doing okay. it took me a while because i was acting like a coward, but i finally got your message.”

he feels light, like a whole bunch of weights have just been taken off his chest. 

deep down, his resolution strengthens, turning into something greater.

“i’ll keep fighting for what i believe in. that’s what you would have wanted… right, hyung?”

* * *

beomgyu’s tending to his potted begonias one sunday morning when there’s a knock at the door. 

the begonias had been something he bought on a whim with the intent of adding color to his room. after a few weeks of taking care of it, the activity had become somewhat therapeutic. 

“yes, who is it?”

“it’s me,” yeonjun says through the door. “can i come in?”

“oh.” beomgyu blinks in surprise. “yeah, sure! the door’s unlocked.”

yeonjun hasn’t come by his room in a while. he wonders what he wants.

“is something wrong, hyung?” he asks once yeonjun has entered and shut the door behind him. “it’s been a long time since you stopped by.”

“what, can’t i just visit my favourite junior?” 

strange how time can change a person’s feelings. a few months ago, beomgyu’s heart would have lurched in his chest at that kind of remark. now, he jokingly pulls a face.

“am i really though?”

“you don’t believe me?” yeonjun fakes a hurtful look. “you wound me, beomgyu.”

“aw, hyung.” beomgyu lightly pokes his side, teasing. “were you lonely?”

the corner of yeonjun’s mouth twitches. “teasing me now, are you?”

“well… maybe just a little.”

yeonjun shoves him playfully, their lighthearted laughter filling up the room. 

“okay but in all seriousness,” yeonjun says, walking over to beomgyu’s bed and sitting down. “i did come here to talk.” 

“yeah?” beomgyu follows suit, settling down next to him. “what about?” 

“our decision. have you made up your mind yet?”

“ah.” beomgyu had an inkling it would be about this. “yeah, i have. i’m going to fight until the end. it’s a million times better than sitting around and doing nothing.”

yeonjun chuckles. “somehow i knew you’d say that.”

“what about you, hyung? have you decided what to do?”

“mhm.” yeonjun’s expression becomes pensive. “you know, ever since the accident, my father spent all his years trying to atone for what grandfather did. he might as well have been a dead man walking. that was the whole reason why i fought, so i could release him from the shame and guilt that became his burden. but then the whole thing with the chairman happened and i…” he pauses, staring down at his lap. “i guess you could say i wavered. it felt like all my efforts up until then had been futile, that my father’s death stripped my life of all meaning.”

“that’s not true though, right?” 

the question elicits a small smile from yeonjun.

“yes. that’s why i’ve decided not to give up. the company’s already taking great strides to turn itself around. after i graduate, i’m going to take my father’s place and continue from where he left off. what sort of future leader would i be if i ran away?”

“i’m sure this would make your father happy, hyung.”

“i think so too.” yeonjun shifts his gaze towards him. “and you? does your decision have anything to do with your brother?”

beomgyu thinks back to the recording, to his brother’s last words filled with nothing but love for his family. 

“partly,” he replies. “i am doing this to fulfill his final wish, after all. but at the same time, i want to be able to live a life that i’m proud of. just thinking of facing nyx chills me to the bone, but i’m sure that this is the right way to go about it.”

“i agree. kai said nyx can’t be defeated, but i wonder about that. i have a feeling soobin can’t be killed so easily either.” 

“you have a point. even before we found out the truth behind his abilities, he was already exceptional to begin with,” beomgyu muses aloud. “i mean, seriously. who stops to look at the moon when they’re under attack?”

yeonjun raises a brow. “are you talking about the incident in april?”

beomgyu nods and yeonjun snickers. “he always was an interesting guy, huh?”

“yes.” beomgyu softens as he’s prone to do lately whenever he thinks about his boyfriend. “he is.”

“hey, beomgyu?”

“hm?”

“let’s continue fighting side by side. together.” 

he grins, yeonjun’s words further solidifying his determination.

“of course, hyung. together.”

* * *

the night before kai is set to return, beomgyu finds himself in soobin’s room yet again.

they’re laying down side by side on the carpet, their hands laced together in the space between them. outside, the rain is slowly starting to dwindle down into a mere drizzle. 

“hyung?” beomgyu rolls onto his side, propping himself up on an elbow. 

soobin hums in response. his eyes are closed. if beomgyu peers closer, he’ll be able to tell how long his eyelashes are. 

“kai’s coming back tomorrow. have you made your choice?”

soobin is quiet for a moment. his eyes slowly blink open, the motion like a butterfly’s wings unfolding. 

“it was a lot to take in,” he admits. “but... yes. i think so.”

“you _think_ so?” beomgyu teases. “that’s no good, hyung. we can’t have any regrets.” 

soobin cuts a glance in his direction, sitting up to ruffle his hair in retaliation. 

“brat,” he murmurs, fond. “thinking in itself is difficult some days. you should be glad that i’ve come to a decision at all.”

“okay, okay, i got it!” beomgyu catches soobin’s hand before he can further mess up his hair. “you did well, hyung. i’m so proud of you,” he coos, kissing his cheek. 

soobin wrinkles his nose. when he does that, he reminds beomgyu of a bunny. it’s a terrifyingly cute image. 

“i can’t tell if you’re still making fun of me or not.”

“i’m not,” beomgyu says solemnly. “trust me.”

soobin’s eyes are narrowed, still suspicious. “... alright then.” 

“aww, don’t be like that.” beomgyu squeezes his hand gently. “i like my soobinnie hyung better when he’s smiling.”

it’s cheesy and overused, an old trick in the book. soobin seems to think the same with the way he ducks his head, shoulders shaking with the attempt to suppress his laughter.

“you’re laughing, that must mean you like it.”

he says it casually enough, but it’s really just a half baked attempt at covering up his embarrassment. 

“no.” soobin has his hand over his mouth, smile peeking through the gaps in his fingers like how the sun peeks through the clouds after a thunderstorm. “i like you.” 

something inside beomgyu stops, just for a moment. maybe it’s his heart. 

throughout the few months they’ve been dating, soobin has never told him his feelings outright, preferring to show it through his actions instead. beomgyu doesn’t mind it, not when soobin has done a lot to erase any doubts he might have had in the beginning. 

but actually hearing soobin say those three words for the first time? it’s strangely exhilarating. 

“of course you do, hyung.” if there’s a dopey grin on his face, then so be it. “you wouldn’t have kissed me first back then if you didn’t.” 

“that’s just because i knew you wouldn’t make the first move.”

“i disagree.”

soobin squints at him. “are you sure?”

“yeees?” his voice becomes higher and uncertain towards the end, and that’s enough confirmation soobin needs. “okay, listen.” he frowns, defeated. “it’s not as if i could tell you felt the same! you were so difficult to read. even after we started hanging out, i was convinced you wouldn’t like me that way.”

“isn’t it enough that you know now?” soobin strokes beomgyu’s temple gently and he instinctively leans into his touch. “you mean a lot to me, beomgyu.” 

it’s quiet and careful, the way he says it - like the weight behind that single sentence scares him yet he’s allowing himself to cross that bridge anyway. 

beomgyu’s chest tightens with the enormity of his affections. 

there’s no other way to explain this.

he’s in love. 

“soobin hyung.” 

“yes?” 

the warm lighting casts a soft glow onto soobin’s features. he looks like a dream, one made tangible. beomgyu’s had dreams before, but this is one he’s sure he never wants to let go of.

slowly, his lips begin to form the words he’s probably been aching to say for a long time now. 

one, four, three -

“i love you.”

he’s in love, and he can’t resist. 

soobin visibly stills, staring at him with a dumbstruck expression. it’s another one to add to the growing list in his head. 

several seconds pass, and beomgyu is starting to suspect that he probably isn’t going to get a reply.

it’s alright though. 

the glassy look in soobin’s eyes and the way he grips his hand like it’s a lifeline -

it’s already enough of an answer. 

* * *

just like he promised, kai appears before them again the next night.

“hey, long time no see,” he greets, an easy smile on his face. “have you reached a decision?”

he doesn’t wait for any of them to answer before he continues. “okay, i’ll be waiting in soobin’s room until midnight. come see me once you have your answer.”

once kai has disappeared up the stairs, yeonjun turns to soobin.

“have you made your decision?”

“yes,” soobin answers. “i have.”

“i see.” yeonjun looks at the rest of them. “i’m guessing we’re all thinking the same thing then?”

everyone nods, even taehyun who had been reluctant at first upon returning from being repaired at the lab just to find out that most of them have come to an agreement to face nyx. 

he had eventually come around after they properly talked things through with him. 

“alright, you better let kai know.” seunghun pats soobin’s shoulder. “okay?” 

it doesn’t come as much as a surprise when soobin goes up to his room and comes back to the lounge not long after with kai in tow. 

soobin never told him what he decided on, but beomgyu knew he wouldn’t have chosen to back out of this. 

“i can’t say i didn’t see this coming. i did take you all to be a persistent bunch.” kai shakes his head, almost as if he’s amused. “it’s an unfortunate decision, but it’s yours to make.”

“that’s right,” beomgyu agrees. 

“but you can’t defeat nyx, it’s impossible.”

“we won’t know that for sure until we try,” yeonjun says. “and personally? i don’t care even if it is impossible, as long as we’re proud of how we chose to live our life.”

he shoots beomgyu a knowing look, and he grins, nodding vigorously. 

“... i understand. it’s almost midnight, so i’ll keep this short. you’ll be able to find nyx at tartarus, but in order to do that, you’ll have to reach the top of the tower before the promised day.”

“when’s the promised day?” seunghun asks.

“exactly one month from tomorrow… on january 31st. nyx will descend to tartarus, and the world will end. you’ll be able to face her if manage to reach the top of the tower. after all, it exists to welcome her arrival. as the appriser, i simply usher her into this world,” kai explains. 

“it exists to welcome her arrival… that’s why strega called it the tower of demise,” seunghun murmurs. “so if we reach the top, we can fight nyx?”

“yes, but remember… from today onwards you have chosen to fight against eternal despair. like i’ve told you so many times before, nyx cannot be defeated. when you face her, you’ll finally understand my warnings.”

“there’s no need to keep reminding us. we know.” soobin’s voice is calm, grounding. he’s become a leader beomgyu can be proud of. “january 31st… we won’t forget this date.”

“well, i’ll be going then. i want to leave you while i’m still in this form.” 

kai starts for the door as everyone gets to their feet. he pauses just as he’s about to turn the handle. 

“taehyun,” he says softly. “i’m sorry for the pain and suffering i put you through.”

“i won’t forget about you.” unlike their previous exchanges, there’s no malice in taehyun’s tone. “you were my enemy… and you were my friend.”

“thank you.” there’s a subtle smile on kai’s lips. “this will probably be the last time i’ll meet you all in this form, but i’ll always be watching over you. with that said… goodbye.”

he pushes open the door, glancing over at them one last time. 

“best wishes in the coming year. that’s what they say on new year’s eve, right?” he gives them a mock salute, smile widening slightly. “see ya!”

then he’s gone, becoming one with the night.

“heh, that kai…” youngjae laughs softly. “i’m gonna miss having him around.”

“yeah,” beomgyu murmurs, and he means it. “me too.”

* * *

soobin comes to his room on the night of january 31st, and beomgyu can tell right away that he’s tired, more so than usual. it’s evident in the way he slouches against him as soon as he opens the door, barely able to keep himself upright. 

“hyung,” he says softly, one arm tight around soobin’s waist. “you okay?” 

maybe it’s a stupid question. it is quite obvious that he isn’t, with the way he’s trembling and breathing shakily. soobin would tell him so if he had the strength to, but right now he doesn’t and beomgyu’s heart clenches at just how vulnerable he’s allowing himself to be. 

beomgyu let his question go unanswered, just guides soobin into his room and shuts the door behind them without a word. 

they settle on beomgyu’s bed, seconds ticking by as they sit without exchanging any words. it’s not one of their comfortable silences, in fact it feels almost stifling. in a way, it reminds beomgyu of disinterested eyes and ugly feelings of irritation all over again. 

finally, when beomgyu can’t take it anymore, he takes one of soobin’s hands in his. “hyung. tell me what’s wrong, please?” 

soobin looks up at him, his weary eyes glistening with unshed tears. the sight of it is greatly upsetting. “is it normal for me to feel like this, beomgyu?” he whispers. “it’s like… i’m on the edge of the cliff and if anyone so much as brushes their fingers against me, i might just plummet down. is that acceptable of me?” 

he laughs hoarsely, and it sounds so wrong. “i’m supposed to be the leader but here i am, freaking out the night before we’re supposed to battle nyx. it’s pathetic of me, isn’t it?” 

“... hyung.” 

“would you be disappointed if i told you i’m actually afraid? what if i’m not strong enough, what if we fail?” 

“soobin hyung.” 

“what if everyone succumbs to the fall, and all because i was stupid enough to think i could actually do this -”

“ _choi soobin_.”

beomgyu cups soobin’s cheeks gently, effectively silencing him, and lovingly presses his lips to his forehead. soobin shudders, eyes sliding shut. 

“listen to me, hyung,” he says softly. “it’s perfectly alright to feel that way. being the leader doesn’t automatically mean you need to force yourself to be fearless. you’re allowed to feel scared. it’s part of what makes you human.” 

because that’s what soobin is, in the end. human just like the rest of them.

even if he were to falter or stumble, beomgyu would stay by his side until he could stand upright again. 

“we’re going to win, like we always have. i don’t care if we’re facing a maternal being or the mother of shadows or whatever, we’ll make it through. and when we do, you and i are going on a date.”

at that, soobin opens his eyes, the fear previously in them replaced with mild amusement. 

“a date,” he repeats. “you’re really asking me out on a date right now?” 

“why not?” beomgyu blinks innocently, and that’s all it takes for soobin to dissolve into giggles. he’s laughing loud and bright, so bright. windshield wiper laugh. his genuine laugh. it’d almost be ridiculous if beomgyu didn’t find it adorable. 

but it’s okay. 

he’s just in love with a beautiful boy, plain and simple. 

“i can’t believe you sometimes.” soobin wipes at his eyes, still giggling, and beomgyu’s lips quirk up into a smile as he drops his hold on soobin’s cheeks. “how confident are you to be able to propose a date when there’s still a risk of failure?”

“it’s us, hyung. there’s no way we’ll lose.” 

soobin shakes his head. “i knew you were one of a kind but i didn’t think you’d exceed my expectations this much.” 

“what’s that supposed to mean, hyung?” beomgyu pouts, folding his arms. “is that a good thing?”

“silly.” now it’s soobin’s turn to cup his face in his hands, lightly knocking his forehead against beomgyu’s. “it’s never a bad thing with you.” 

god, he loves him. 

“hyung,” beomgyu whispers. “your hands are cold.”

“too cold for you?” soobin murmurs, half teasing. 

“no.” beomgyu cradles one of his hands gently. “never.” 

soobin huffs out a laugh. beomgyu wants to trace the shape of his smile. 

when soobin leans down to kiss him, strands of his hair tickle his cheek. 

cold hands, warm mouth. 

he doesn’t want to lose this.

“promise me,” he breathes when soobin pulls away. “promise me that we won’t forget each other.”

“if the world still exists after tomorrow…” 

“it will,” beomgyu says firmly. “sure, we’ll lose our memories of the dark hour but you…” he places one of soobin’s hands on his chest, directly above his heart. “you’re not someone they can take away from me. soobin hyung, you’re…” 

_you’re the only person i’ll ever want_. 

“okay.” soobin presses his lips to the corner of his mouth. “i promise.” 

beomgyu knows that their little bubble will burst once soobin steps foot out of his room. he knows this so well, but he doesn’t want to think about it. 

what they have right now is too precious to exchange for the bitterness of reality just yet. 

“can i be honest?”

“always.” 

“i really don’t want to leave.” 

soobin’s voice breaks towards the end and beomgyu wastes no time in looping his arms around his boyfriend’s neck and pulling him closer.

“then don’t.” he wonders if soobin can hear his underlying desperation. “for this remaining time we have... stay here, with me.”

 _when we defeat nyx, maybe we’ll live long enough to have forever_. 

* * *

they’re gathered in the control room as they always are right before leaving for a mission.

beomgyu suspects that they won’t be able to leave tartarus until the battle is over. now that it’s actually happening, he supposes it can’t be helped that the nervous jitters are returning.

“alright.” yeonjun looks around at all of them. “this will probably be the last time we meet like this. is everyone ready?”

“um,” he blurts out. “can i say something?” 

“go ahead.”

“look, i know that we have to defeat nyx, and i know that succeeding in that will get rid of the dark hour for good. our memories may disappear…” he glances over at soobin, who nods at him reassuringly. “but even if that happens, i won’t forget you guys! we might be robbed off all our memories together, i’ll still remember you all!”

seunghun chortles. “couldn’t have said it better myself.”

“i know you won’t, beomgyu.” youngjae grins. “i won’t forget you either!”

“even if you forget, i’ll remind you,” jeongin says with a small smile. “so don’t worry about it.”

upon hearing everyone else’s noises of agreement, beomgyu feels incredibly warm. he’s really made good friends here.

“okay!” sunwoo stands, directing their attention towards him. “then after the battle ends, no matter what, let’s promise to meet each other again!”

“that’s a good idea!” yonghee nods. “why don’t we pick a date now?”

“right.” yeonjun’s expression is fond. “when do we meet?”

“how about graduation day?” beomgyu suggests. “when the third years graduate!”

“that’s pretty sharp of you, beomgyu.” seunghun chuckles, to which beomgyu responds with a thumbs up. “that’ll be easy to remember.”

“alright, then graduation day it is! but where will we meet?”

“it should be somewhere where it’s easy to recognise that peace has returned to the city,” yeonjun says. “and when we meet again… we should remember this feeling we have right now. that no matter the dangers that await us, we’ll never turn back.”

he doesn’t need to specify further. everyone seems to have the same place in mind. 

“... i agree,” soobin speaks up for the first time that night, rising to his feet. “now let’s go face nyx and save the world. together.” 

“that’s right, we are saving the world huh?” sunwoo laughs. “we got this!”

“together,” yonghee repeats, nodding.

as the rest file out of the room, beomgyu walks over to soobin and takes his hand. 

“soobin hyung,” he murmurs. “we’ll make it out safely, right?”

“yes.” there’s no hesitation in soobin’s tone. “we will. like we always do.”

“good.” beomgyu reaches out to brush a lock of hair away from soobin’s eyes. “i can’t have you ditching our date.”

soobin gently flicks his forehead. “silly. get your priorities straight.” 

they meet each other’s gaze head on, then break into soft laughter.

it’s amazing how that action alone is enough to put him at ease. 

“alright, let’s get going.” soobin squeezes his hand once before letting go. “we have one last thing we need to take care of.”

“... yeah.” beomgyu’s hand rests on his evoker, silver metal smooth under his fingertips. “let’s go.” 

* * *

( _congratulations. you have the miracle you sought._

where is he? his vision is hazy, his surroundings dreamlike. it’s like he’s floating in space. 

_i will once again return to my slumber. normal days will return for you… and for him. he’s found the answer to life’s greatest question. it just happened sooner for him than it will for the rest of you._

him. who’s him? what even is life’s greatest question?

_perhaps if fate allows it, we shall meet again one day._

his head is spinning. 

he wants to wake up from this confusing dream.)

* * *

when beomgyu awakens, it’s to the rays of winter sunshine filtering in through his window. 

he slowly sits up in bed, rubbing the grit from his eyes. 

he can’t quite pinpoint the reason why, but he feels oddly at peace, like a very heavy burden he’s been shouldering all this time has been lifted off his shoulders.

there’s that weird dream he had too. the details have become a bit blurry, but he still remembers the voice that spoke.

he doesn’t think he’s ever heard that voice before.

(or has he?)

the ache that suddenly makes itself present in his head is sharp and hot - he winces, pressing a hand to his temple. 

it’s like something’s frantically whispering into his mind, telling him to look deep inside him, to dig out another fragment of himself. 

what does he need to remember? did he forget -

“beomgyu!” jeongin’s voice comes through the door, snapping him out of his thoughts. “please tell me you’re already up, you’re going to be late!” 

“oh, shit.” he instantly flings the blanket off him, scrambling out of bed. “i’m getting ready now, you better not leave without me!”

“i’ll do whatever i want.”

“ _jeongin_!”

the ache in his head disappears, as does his trepidation. 

it probably doesn’t mean anything anyway, just another strange dream to add to the many others he’s had. 

it’s as simple as that. 

* * *

the following days turn into weeks that pass by in a blur. 

beomgyu wakes up, goes to school, attends club activities and has fun with his friends - it’s all so normal like it should be when you’re fifteen and nearing the end of your first year in high school. 

soon enough, february ends and march begins.

the chilly winter transitions into beomgyu’s favourite season, spring, in all its delightful glory. 

soon enough, it’s graduation day. 

the weather is beautiful, sunny sky and cool breeze.

“so yeonjun hyung and seunghun hyung are finally graduating, huh?” youngjae muses aloud. “now it’s our turn to take college entrance exams.”

“last year was nice,” sunwoo says. “we didn’t have to think about anything.”

“you don’t think 365 days a year, sunwoo.”

“hey, i object to that!”

“now, now. there’s no need to fight,” yonghee soothes them both with a chuckle. “but thinking back, we had it easier compared to the third years. we weren’t expected to accomplish anything big.”

“that’s true.” youngjae crosses his arms behind his head, gazing up at the sky thoughtfully. “if someone were to ask what i did last year, nothing would pop up.”

“how about you, beomgyu?” yonghee turns to him with a smile. “what did you think of last year?”

“me?” beomgyu who had merely been listening in on their conversation up until now, blinks. “well... i guess it was okay. nothing too life changing happened.”

“that’s all you have to say about your first year of high school? that’s kinda cold,” sunwoo teases. “though you have a point, it was a pretty ordinary year.”

“yeah that’s what i...” beomgyu trails off when he senses someone’s eyes on him, but when he turns to see who it is, all he manages to catch is a flash of blue hair before the person disappears out of sight.

“beomgyu?” jeongin looks at him questioningly. “what’s up?”

“i just thought someone was watching me,” beomgyu replies, frowning slightly. “i wonder who…”

all jeongin has to say to that is “huh.”

beomgyu doesn’t have much time to ponder over it before the bell rings.

“oh crap, look at the time!” youngjae’s immediately dashing for the doors, the rest doing the same.

 _well it can’t be anyone important_ , beomgyu thinks as he hurries after them. _right_?

  
  
“next, a word from the student council president, choi yeonjun from class three.”

beomgyu watches yeonjun walk up to the podium, no trace of nervousness in his posture.

the previous speech from the third year class representative had gone in one ear and out the other, but yeonjun had that air to him that instantly grabbed your attention. it was impossible not to look at him.

“this past year, i was entrusted with the responsibilities that came with being elected student council president,” yeonjun began, voice ringing clear throughout the auditorium. “when i first stood here at this podium at the beginning of the spring term, i pressed on the importance of seizing the boundless opportunities laid before you. fate must have intervened and given me a reminder of this. some of you may already be aware, but last year i lost my father to illness and…” 

he pauses for a moment. 

“that’s right, he unexpectedly passed away due to sudden illness…”

he pauses again, holding a hand to his head.

“sudden... illness…?” he trails off, tone laced with confusion now. 

beomgyu doesn’t think he’s ever heard him stumble while giving a speech before, something that is further proven from the murmurs around him. 

“wow, that’s rare. i’ve never seen him mess up before.”

“it’s a big day… it must be difficult thinking about his dad.”

yeonjun clears his throat, slowly resumes talking. 

“as i was saying, with my father’s death, i felt like i lost all purpose…” his eyes flit to the windows, his speech once again cut off but this time by the sharp gasp he lets out. 

this makes beomgyu straighten up in interest, following yeonjun’s gaze.

cherry blossom petals flutter in the wind, almost as if they’re dancing -

then just like a movie reel being played before his eyes, the memories come rushing back all at once. 

a hidden hour, a sickly green moon, a silver gun in his hand. 

personas, shadows, the appriser and a maternal being. 

but most importantly -

dusty blue hair, cold eyes with so much hidden warmth, gentle hands in his own.

a reason to live. 

_“promise me we won't forget each other.”_

he’s out of his seat and running, ignoring the weight of the other students’ stares on him and the yells of his homeroom teacher.

there’s a boy waiting for him at the place where they promised they’d meet again, and nothing else matters to him then the fact that he needs to get there right now.

he runs, and he doesn’t stop. 

  
  
by the time he pushes open the door to the rooftop, he’s panting and out of breath. 

there’s someone sitting on one of the benches by the wall, slumped against it. 

blue hair, headphones around his neck.

“soobin hyung,” he breathes. 

soobin turns to face him, blinks once. then he’s smiling; it’s small yet it doesn’t lack its brilliance.

that’s all it takes for beomgyu to close the remaining distance between them and embrace soobin tightly in his arms. 

soobin leans into him, sighs contentedly. “hey,” he murmurs. “i take it that everything’s come back to you then...?”

his voice is soft, softer than usual. he sounds so tired and it’s breaking beomgyu’s heart. 

“yes.” he wills his voice not to crack. “i remember, hyung. the dark hour, tartarus, nyx... all of it.” he holds him closer, eyes stinging with unshed tears. “i remember falling in love with you. i’m so sorry for forgetting…” 

soobin reaches out to brush a lock of hair away from his eyes. he’s trying to maintain his smile, which makes beomgyu’s heart hurt because he can’t fathom just how exhausted soobin must be feeling. “as long as you remember, there’s nothing to forgive,” he whispers. 

beomgyu is holding soobin in his arms right now but it feels all wrong; it feels that soobin is about to slip away to somewhere he can’t follow at any moment. “soobin.” he tries to swallow down the lump beginning to form in his throat, makes himself smile back. “you look really tired… i don’t like seeing you like this. why not close your eyes for a while? i’ll be right here.”

as soobin’s eyes slowly slide shut, he tenderly presses his lips to his temple. 

distantly, he hears the shouts of their other teammates, people he’s come to cherish as his closest friends. 

“don’t worry, soobin hyung,” he murmurs. “starting now, we’ll never be apart.”

maybe if he wishes hard enough, those words will hold true. 

  
  
_breathe in for one_. soobin is okay, he’s just sleeping. _breathe out for two_. beomgyu said he’ll be right here, he is. _breathe in for three_. they’re still going to spend the rest of their years together, they have to. _breathe out for_ -

the heart rate monitor slows to a stop. 

* * *

they hold the funeral three days later. 

it’s raining, the skies gloomy and dark. 

beomgyu doesn’t show up, locks himself up in his room and stays buried under the covers.

the black suit his mother bought for him continues to gather dust in the closet. 

if he retreated into himself completely, would the excruciating pain go away?

would the harsh reality be replaced with a kinder delusion? 

* * *

how long has it been?

beomgyu still refuses to acknowledge the lack of another person at the dining table, another empty room on the second floor. 

his smile has long since lost its shine, his forced laughter grating to his ears. 

isis hums into the emptiness, a gentle plea for beomgyu to let it out. but there’s no reason for him to summon his persona anymore. not when the dark hour is gone, and with it, tartarus.

there are times where he regrets regaining his memories. you can’t really blame him, not when most of them are tinted with grief. even the better ones. 

hyunjin’s bright laughter cuts through every single silence, soobin’s steady presence haunts him whenever he’s alone. 

he can’t think about them for too long before the pain gets unbearable.

they’ve lost so much.

would he be faring better if he never recovered that missing piece of himself at all?

* * *

the weather forecast says it’ll be warm all week, yet the dorm still feels cold.

he wonders if soobin is having a lovely dream. 

* * *

two nights before the start of the spring term, he finally does what he’s been putting off for an entire month - going into soobin’s room. 

now that this place won’t be serving as sees’ headquarters anymore as they’ve disbanded, it’ll be functioning as a normal school dorm. by extension, it also means that any unused rooms have to be cleaned out. 

“you need to get to it now,” jeongin had told him mere moments before. “did you forget that new students will be showing up here tomorrow?”

“why can’t you do it?”

jeongin gave him a withering look. “you’ve been running away from this long enough, beomgyu. go.” 

as much as it pained beomgyu to admit it, he was right.

so here he is. can it still be called soobin’s room if the owner is no longer here? beomgyu doesn’t know. 

this should be familiar territory to him, but right now it feels incredibly jarring. it looks the same, yet it’s like he’s an entirely different space at the same time. 

the curtains are drawn shut; soobin always liked to keep them open at night. _whenever i can’t sleep, i look at the moon_ , he told beomgyu once. _it helps, as odd as that might sound._

the calendar hanging on his wall used to be bare, but as beomgyu flips through it, he notices how it filled up with important dates and notes as the months passed. beomgyu’s birthday is circled with blue ink, accompanied by a small doodle of a cherry blossom. it’s a bit wonky at the corners, an endearing detail that makes him crack a smile. 

his stacks of school notebooks and novels are still on the desk. soobin never did like it to be cluttered, save for those rare moments where he was stressed out over studying for exams and had reached the point where he couldn't care less if his papers were all over the place. 

the necklace he gifted him is in its box in the drawer, tucked neatly in the corner along with his headphones. he’d been wearing it the day he died. it takes him back to the conversation they had the morning of the final battle.

( _“i can’t wear the necklace into combat. what if something happens and i lose it?”_

_beomgyu knows he raises a solid point, yet he can’t help pouting regardless._

_soobin sighs softly, strokes beomgyu’s cheekbone with his thumb._

_“i’ll wear it everyday after everything is over. okay?”_

_“... really?”_

_“really.”_ )

his fingers tremble slightly, the lump already starting to form in his throat. 

soobin had held up his end of the bargain, and beomgyu? he spent an entire month oblivious to the boy he’d grown to love, and when he finally remembered it was already too late. 

he said he’d take him out on a date. he said he’d never forget about him. he said he’d always be there for him for anything. 

he said all that yet he left soobin alone while he carried on with his seemingly normal life and ignored isis’ whispers to stop, look back. 

he’d broken all his promises to him. 

tears pool in his eyes, dampening his eyelashes. he rapidly blinks them away.

he came here to clean out soobin’s room. he can’t waste his time crying.

it’s when he’s making up soobin’s bed that he finds the letter under the pillow, a bracelet placed beside it. beomgyu stares at them for a while before he hesitantly picks both up. 

when he unfolds the letter, his heart starts racing when he finds out that it’s addressed to him, his name written in ballpoint black. 

_he didn’t write this for anyone else. he wrote it for me._

after he takes in a calming breath, he sits down on the bed and begins to read. 

it’s jeongin who comes looking for him, half an hour later. “jesus,” he says mildly when he sees beomgyu’s red rimmed eyes and tear stained cheeks. “that bad, huh?” 

"shut up," beomgyu replies, then hiccups. the letter and bracelet are still clutched in his hand - he thinks the former is already crumpled. 

jeongin doesn’t make another remark (for once), instead he sits down beside beomgyu on the bed then wraps an arm around his shoulder. 

if there had to be anyone who was going to find him like this, beomgyu is glad that it’s jeongin. he knows what it’s like to lose a person you love. 

(not that he ever admitted to having feelings for hyunjin, but jeongin shows his heart on his sleeve more than he thinks he does.) 

“i know things ended up like this, but…” beomgyu lifts a hand to rub at his eyes. “i’m glad i met soobin hyung. and i’m glad… i fell in love with him.” 

“i’m sure he felt the same way,” jeongin says softly, and even though soobin isn’t here to confirm it, beomgyu thinks he can believe him. 

* * *

_beomgyu,_

_i know getting this from me might seem a little stupid. who writes letters anymore, right? but i know myself, and i know i would never be able to tell you this outright. some things just can’t be told through text, so i’ll just do it this way instead. way back when we first started dating, you asked me what it was about you that i liked. that time, i couldn’t answer you and you got all sulky. you’re like a child sometimes, i wonder if you realise that. to make things very clear, i couldn’t give you an answer back then because you should know better than anyone else that i have difficulty in getting my feelings across. after spending 10 years getting passed around from relative to relative you end up learning that there’s little to no use in opening up to anyone, so i stopped bothering. but then there came you, and you made me think it was okay to try again. that i can stop being scared of being honest with someone just to be left behind. with that said, here’s my answer._

_first things first i didn’t fall for you because you were there for me in the way others weren’t. i didn’t fall for you because you just happened to be the one person who tried the hardest compared to anyone else. i fell in love with you… hell, i don’t even know the exact reason why i did. sometimes, it just happens. you know? one day you look at the boy with the stupidly pretty smile and the stupidly cute laugh and think to yourself ‘oh no’._

_being in love with you is like… counting the syllables in your name and comparing it to my heartbeat. to the breaths i take everyday. you make me feel alive. you make me think that maybe it’s okay for me to still exist, to still be here despite me always, always believing that all i’m doing is taking up space._

_i’ve told you this before but you really are amazing, beomgyu. the world has been terrible and unforgiving but you’ve been nothing but yourself. your ridiculously earnest, brave, painstakingly beautiful self. and that’s why i love you. it’s as simple as that._

_now that i’ve written it down, i’m getting embarrassed. are you happy now, beomgyu? you better be. but if you’re still not satisfied, i guess i can say it out loud. i do owe you that, especially considering you already told me that you love me. not now though… it’s still a little bit scary, the thought of saying something with that much meaning. so be patient, and wait. someday, if you still want to be with me, and when we’re happier with ourselves... i’ll tell you._

_and about the bracelet... i’m not the best at gifts, i never have been. but i hope you like it._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> last chapter will be the epilogue!


	5. Chapter 5

beomgyu’s text message drafts look something like this:

_it’s been a month. i’ve cleaned out your room, someone else uses it now. a first year who blasts music too loudly at night. i haven’t been inside since then. i don’t think i’d be able to take it._

_being a second year doesn’t feel so different. the subjects aren’t that much harder, though math is still a nightmare. how you and yonghee hyung have no problem with it will forever be a mystery to me._

_i went home for the weekend. i’ve almost forgotten what it felt like to sleep in my childhood bed. mom cooked my favourite food, dad showed me his new garden. i wish you could have met them._

_you and hyunjin hyung would have graduated this year._

_i miss you. i miss you so much._

_spring isn’t the same without you._

_i graduated. mom and dad cried, though dad was trying to hide it. the hyungs were super dramatic and jeongin was being a little shit like always. i wonder if you would’ve been proud of me._

stilted, one sided. filled with too much longing.

he sends none of them. 

* * *

the bracelet is a heavy weight on his wrist but he doesn’t take it off.

the letter stays in a box tucked in the corner of his drawer.

they’re the only real pieces of soobin he has left.

* * *

beomgyu plays the guitar now. 

it was his father’s old one, given to him as a graduation gift. old, yet it still produces beautiful sounds. beomgyu could tell how well loved it was.

new calluses join the old ones he gained from wielding blades. he hasn’t held them since he was sixteen yet he can still remember the feel of them in his palms. 

his hands aren’t as soft as they used to be. they haven’t been for a long time.

sometimes, the pads of his fingers bleed. he doesn’t bat an eye when it happens anymore, just cleans and bandages the cut with practised ease. 

sometimes, he writes songs for no one.

(because soobin can’t be someone if he’s no longer here.)

* * *

“i had a dream once.”

he can faintly hear piano music coming from yeonjun’s end. “about what?”

“about how it could’ve been if i didn’t forget.”

it comes out surprisingly raw. in the first place, he doesn’t know why he’s telling yeonjun this. maybe it’s because he’s so fucking exhausted of having to bottle up his sadness in favour of smiling at his coursemates and fulfilling his role as a nice, easygoing person instead of the eighteen year old boy who’s still mourning over his dead boyfriend. 

right now, there’s no need for false pretenses. not when he’s talking to choi yeonjun.

there’s silence after that, like yeonjun is at a loss. funny that. he’s always known the right things to say. 

“do you think…” he continues. “do you think soobin hyung would’ve stayed?”

“beomgyu,” yeonjun says softly. “we’ve gotten the answer to this a long time ago.” 

he’s right. 

he’s right, and yet -

“it’s not fair, hyung,” beomgyu whispers. “he shouldn’t have had to…” 

“i know, beomgyu.” yeonjun sounds sad now. “i know.”

* * *

he should have noticed. 

he should have noticed soobin’s existence in the dorm earlier, flickering in and out like a firefly yet there all the same. he should have noticed how tired soobin was in that final month, how he struggled to keep himself rooted to the world all for the sake of keeping one promise. 

_i should have seen him_ , beomgyu thinks with his fingers digging so deep into the skin of his palms it’s a miracle they don’t draw blood. _why didn’t i_? 

metis’ answer should have been enough. it should have filled the hole in him, but it didn’t. in the grand scheme of things, soobin had to die to prevent the extinction of humankind. he sacrificed himself in order to become the great seal, to prevent nyx and erebus from ever making contact with one another. 

but there was nothing logical about the things they had to go through. there was nothing logical about s.e.e.s, about nyx, about erebus. about a group of highschoolers fighting tooth and nail against monsters in a tower that appeared during a hidden hour every night. 

there was, still is, nothing logical about a sixteen year old boy giving up his entire life in order to protect the world. _all_ of them went to fight nyx that night, all of them should have died, not just him. 

it’s not logical and _it’s not fair_. 

soobin would have turned nineteen this year.

beomgyu was never supposed to be the older one. 

* * *

“are you visiting him this year?” 

it doesn’t take a genius to figure out who jeongin is referring to. 

“i don’t know.” he absently spins the pencil he’s holding between his fingers. “my schedule for the spring semester is pretty packed.”

jeongin hums like he doesn’t quite believe him. “are you sure this isn’t just you being avoidant?”

“no…”

“how convincing of you.”

“listen.” beomgyu rubs his temple. “maybe i really am just busy.”

“hm,” jeongin responds in that annoyingly sceptical way of his. “if you say so.”

“i _know_ so.”

“okay.” 

“i’m hanging up. i have an assignment due.”

it’s a lie. he sent it in an hour ago. 

“alright.” jeongin sounds like he’s holding back a sigh. 

beomgyu hangs up. 

* * *

he still hasn’t visited soobin’s grave.

it might seem like he’s running away, and maybe he is, but all that’s waiting for him there is a lifeless body buried eight feet under. is there really a point?

“it could do you some good,” jeongin told him once during their many phone calls (he threatened to hunt him down himself if beomgyu ever fell off the grid on purpose). “don’t you want some form of closure?”

closure. 

what closure could he possibly get from a person who can no longer talk back?

* * *

smiling all the time makes his jaw ache. 

he’s tired of having to force himself. 

* * *

_what have you been doing these past three years?_

that’s a good question. what _has_ he been doing? 

he experienced his first real heartbreak, moved out of the dorm at the beginning of his third year, pulled himself together enough to finish highschool. not long after, he started university, started grinning like someone was pointing a gun to his head and he’d be shot if he ever stopped.

he attends a math class he can’t understand; his brain was never meant for numbers and plotting graphs and finding maximum profits. he wishes it was. maybe it’d benefit him more than a brain filled with poetry and unfinished songs and too many references to the moon. 

he meets girls with doe eyes and soft looking hair who smell like peach perfume. he meets boys with untameable bed heads and rambunctious laughter who pull him into friendly headlocks. 

he could hold their hands if he wanted to. kiss them even. who’s to say they aren’t good kissers?

he doesn’t. 

instead he practises playing the guitar until it hurts to spread his fingers. he pours himself into his coursework, even the math exercises he can barely make heads or tails of. he stares out his window at night, listens to the sounds of students shouting to each other, looks up at the stars in the sky. they’re like salt spilled over black cloth.

what has he been doing?

drowning. drowning yet still afloat. 

holding his breath like everything would be damned if he didn’t. 

does either of that make sense? 

does anything make sense anymore? 

* * *

he still sees soobin whenever he closes his eyes; cheeks flushed pink, warm lamplight reflected in his eyes, lips curved up into a small smile. 

of course beomgyu would remember the best version of soobin he ever got to see. he thinks it’s both a blessing and a curse how he has everything about soobin memorised down to the very last detail - the expressions he allowed himself to show, his tells that could only be noticed if you looked close enough, his subtle way of looking out for the people around him. 

he dreams about him too. he dreams about soobin’s genuine laughter, the warmth of his body against his own. he dreams about soobin during that final battle - how he went to face the real nyx all by himself despite how beat up he already was from fighting its avatar, shoulders straight and determined expression on his face. 

he didn’t look back no matter how many times beomgyu yelled at him to not be a fucking idiot. 

he didn’t look back even once. 

maybe that’s partly the reason why he hasn’t gone to visit soobin’s grave. deep down, there’s a part of him that will always be bitter and hurting and beomgyu knows he’ll probably end up yelling his voice hoarse if he ever decided to go.

 _why’d you have to go and die, soobin? why couldn’t you have been selfish in that one final moment? why couldn’t you have stayed? for everyone, for_ **_me_** _?_

he wants to be angry with soobin so bad. there’s nothing stopping him; he was always angry with soobin that first spring, he isn’t exactly incapable of it. but that was when beomgyu had little to no understanding of him, had no clue on how to peel back all of soobin’s layers. 

so even if beomgyu wanted to hate him, he just can’t. he’d witnessed soobin’s growth enough to figure out the reason behind his choice. 

if soobin had been selfish, he wouldn’t have bothered opening up. he wouldn’t have encouraged beomgyu to keep believing. he wouldn’t have thought this world worth fighting for. 

all he can do is try and make peace with the fact that soobin was the only one who ended up paying the price for something they all decided to do. 

he _needs_ to, but somehow it’s still so difficult.

he feels awful for it. 

* * *

funny how soobin said he’d be a terrible boyfriend yet beomgyu turned out to be the worser one in the end.

* * *

somehow it ends up becoming a tradition for s.e.e.s to get together every year. 

it’s sort of amazing how this ragtag group of people yeonjun formed at sixteen has still managed to keep in touch with each other despite the separate paths they took after they disbanded. 

sunwoo and youngjae are pretty much the same, they’re still as chaotic together as they are when they’re apart. they’re usually the life of the party during their annual meetups - though there have been times where they nearly got kicked out of the restaurants they were in. yonghee and seunghun are still as attached at the hip as ever, and where sunwoo and youngjae are the cause of the mess, they’re the ones who clean up after them.

taehyun appears more… human now, less robotic and monotonous. apparently what happened with soobin changed him a lot, made him realise what exactly he’s supposed to do. beomgyu might not know what is, but he’s happy for him regardless. perhaps a little envious, considering how he still feels lost. 

they don’t talk about hyunjin or soobin. they don’t talk about the two vacant chairs with no one to fill them. it hurts somewhat, how the teammates they’ve lost have become some sort of taboo. you would think that three years is more than enough for them to heal but it’s not. it’s a funny concept, healing. it’s never as linear a process as people would prefer them to be. 

to others, it might seem like a normal meetup between close friends. it is, but also not quite. it can’t ever be _their_ normal, not when it’s already been stripped away.

they’ve acquired so many scars, both physically and emotionally. while they might have faded, they’ll still remain as a reminder of the hell they somehow managed to survive. 

there’s no telling how long they’ll be silently grieving.

however, time will wait for no one. the earth will continue spinning on its axis. 

what other choice do they have then to move forward?

* * *

( _beomgyu dreams a familiar dream._

_they’re sitting on the rooftop, soobin leaning against him. it’s his final day, and the weather is lovely. too lovely for a moment that’s supposed to be their last._

_soobin has that rare, unguarded expression on his face. a stray cherry blossom petal flutters in the wind and lands on his cheek. beomgyu doesn’t move to brush it away. he’s beautiful, just like this. so, so beautiful._

_“beomgyu,” soobin says. he sounds more awake than he usually does, something that makes beomgyu blink. “hm…?”_

_soobin peers at him, a small smile on his lips. “you look like you haven’t slept. what have you been doing, silly?” these words only add to beomgyu’s confusion. he knows this dream by heart, remembers all the details vividly - and yet what’s with the sudden change? “you should rest,” soobin continues. “there’s no harm in closing your eyes for a while.”_

_beomgyu frowns, shakes his head slowly. “soobin…”_

_“it’s like you said, we’ll never be apart.” hearing his own words being repeated back to him makes beomgyu’s blood run cold. “so stop losing sleep over me like an idiot, beomgyu. i’m right here. everything will be fine.”_

_he didn’t think soobin would ever lie to him like this. “you’re going to leave me and you know that, hyung.”_

_the smile falls from soobin’s face. “yeah.” beomgyu’s heart starts to ache all over again. “i’m sorry, beomgyu.”_

_beomgyu closes his eyes, holds the hand that’s cupping his cheek with a shuddering sigh. “couldn’t you have figured out a way to stay?” he asks. “did you have to leave us? did you have to make me fall in love with you then disappear from my life just like that?”_

_he can’t see the way soobin bites down on his lip guiltily. “i’m sorry,” he says again. “i’m so sorry.”_

_beomgyu opens his eyes then if only to glare down at him. “stop saying sorry, hyung.” his voice is all shaky and he hates it so much. “just… please don’t leave. i don’t know if i can do this without you.”_

_“do what?”_

_“all this.” beomgyu gestures all around them as if that will prove his point. “school, s.e.e.s meetups, life... they don’t feel right anymore, hyung. you... you died and i haven’t known what to do with myself ever since.”_

_soobin flinches and beomgyu half wants to take his words back but at the same time he wants him to know just how much pain he’s been in; how his death never really stopped affecting him._

_“i didn’t want to leave,” soobin admits quietly after a few seconds of silence pass between them. “i don’t want to even now.”_

_“then don’t.”_

_it’s pathetic how beomgyu is pleading. he’s asking for something that soobin has no way of fulfilling and soobin knows this too judging from his sad smile._

_“i wish it were that simple.”_

_he’s right. it isn’t that simple. nothing is ever that simple anymore._

_“but it’s okay to not know what you’re doing. it’s okay to be a mess. that’s what makes us humans… human. we were never intended to be perfect. isn’t that why we’re all marred with our own flaws? we’re all a bit awful sometimes, even when we don’t want to be.”_

_he softens then. “you know... i don’t regret doing what i did. it hurts because i have all of you guys, it hurts so much to leave everyone behind. i didn’t even think i was capable of feeling this way until i came here and met everyone. until i met you. this is your fault, choi beomgyu. for forcing me out of my shell. maybe it would’ve been easier if i stuck to my initial plan of being a loner the whole year. maybe it would’ve been easier if you hated me.”_

_“i could never hate you,” beomgyu says it so fiercely that soobin blinks at him in surprise. his throat burns. “i…” he presses the heel of his palm to his eyes, lowering his voice to a whisper. “i don’t know how to hate you, choi soobin.”_

_“is that so?” soobin chuckles. it comes out wet. “i still don’t think any of it was in vain though.”_

_how has soobin so easily accepted his fate? does he still not understand that nobody wanted him to die, that he’s missed by so many people to this day? is he not aware that he left yet another hole in their hearts and there’s no telling whether they’ll ever recover?_

_“soobin -”_

_“i know what you’re going to say,” soobin cuts him off, sighing. “you told me to stop apologising but i really am sorry, beomgyu.”_

_beomgyu makes a frustrated sound. “why did it have to be you? why couldn’t it have been anyone else?”_

_soobin rubs beomgyu’s cheekbone with his thumb. how small actions can be filled with so much affection is something beomgyu can never fathom._

_“you probably won’t feel satisfied no matter what i tell you.” he’s right. nothing will ever justify why he had to be the one to die - at least not to beomgyu. “but if there’s anything i learned, it’s that you’re never alone, beomgyu,” soobin whispers. “even during the dark and dreadful times. as long as you’re still alive, you’ll make it back out to the light.”_

_beomgyu doesn’t say anything, can’t say anything. his words are lodged in his throat, a heavy, painful lump._

_“live. live messily, recklessly, irrationally - you’re allowed to falter, to stumble.” soobin tucks a strand of hair behind his ear with gentle fingers. “let the course of life lead you to where you need to be. be kind to people. be forgiving. everyone has a journey to take, and while mine has come to an end, yours hasn’t. are you listening, beomgyu? i don’t want you to give up just because i’m not here anymore.”_

_“that’s a lot to ask of me, hyung,” beomgyu finally manages to rasp out. “when living is so hard.”_

_“i know,” soobin murmurs. “i know it is. but i also know you can pull through. you’re still here right now, aren’t you? you’re stronger than you make yourself out to be, you always have been, and i am immensely proud of you for that.”_

_“soobin hyung.” his voice borders on a sob. white hot tears dampen his eyelashes and spill down his cheeks. “soobinnie hyung.”_

_“thank you, beomgyu.” soobin cradles the back of his neck, pressing their foreheads together. “thank you for never giving up on me, even for a second. i’m so grateful that i got to meet you.”_

_“hyung -”_

_“i’ll always be by your side,” he murmurs. “i love you.” then he presses a featherlight kiss to his lips -_ )

\- and beomgyu wakes up. 

* * *

there’s no use dreaming in memories. 

rationally, there are things he’ll need to let go of sooner or later, although emotionally he still wants to cling onto them. 

so much desperation. so much agony. so much loss.

he can only hope that on the last day of his life, the love will remain.

* * *

“hey, hyung?”

“mhm?” 

“i think… i’m going to be okay.”

“yeah?” beomgyu can imagine yeonjun right now - sitting at the desk in his father’s office, profile illuminated by the gentle, undulating sunlight, phone between his shoulder and ear. 

“yeah.” 

“that’s good.” yeonjun sounds like he’s smiling. maybe he is. “i’m proud of you, beomgyu.”

beomgyu stares up at the clear, blue sky through his window. watches the clouds drift pass. 

he breathes in. 

“thank you, hyung.”

maybe now he can finally begin to exhale. 

* * *

_are you sure you want to delete all drafts?_

yes. 

* * *

despite everything, beomgyu thinks he’s glad. 

he’s glad that he’s still alive in this world he helped to protect. 

* * *

the world can be merciless and cruel. this is an old lesson, one that has been taught time and time again.

more often than not, it will do you a disservice and leave you struggling to stay upright as you reel from the impact. sometimes, it’ll wear you down so badly you’ll start to wonder if you were born into this world as a sick joke. 

but here’s the thing. you never received the instruction manual that said that life wouldn’t be pretty all the time. you’ll make mistakes and you’ll have regrets. hands will be let go of and places will become colder. 

forgive yourself anyway. forgive yourself because you can’t help being terrible sometimes in a world that’s constantly out to get you. forgive yourself because imperfection comes hand in hand with being human. forgive yourself because everything is unspeakably precious and so are you.

forgive yourself because you don’t, and you never will, need permission to continue on living. 

the world has chewed you up but it hasn’t spit you out. 

so get up, stand on your own two feet. make your way down the long, winding road. 

your story has yet to reach its end. 

* * *

_just wish and hope, even if you are reborn_

_i don’t want to forget that uncertain future_

_the tears that fall and fall down my cheek_

_are the taste of a later promise_

_but as they become ashes and everything becomes dull_

_far away somewhere beyond this night, it is dyed blue_

_– ao no waltz, eve_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> now that we've finally reached the end i'm at a loss for what to say. i guess i'll start off by saying that this fic started as a self indulgent thing, and it originally wasn't supposed to be this long but somehow here we are, which is pretty amazing considering i had doubts whether or not i could commit to this. honestly, there were a lot of times where i considered trashing this because i didn't think anyone would Really be interested, but now i think i can say i'm glad i didn't. even though writing this could be super stressful, it also sort of became cathartic along the way. in the end, what matters is that i had a story to tell and even though i'm not sure if i was able to convey the message properly, i hope some part of it was able to reach you. if i told my 16 year old self that i'm still here and writing this kind of fic i think they'd find it funny. 
> 
> thank you to everyone who actually gave this a chance, i might not have responded to all the feedback but please know that it means so much to me. if there are any unanswered questions, feel free to ask! and of course, much love to angel for helping me out with this, i don't think i would have been able to actually complete this without your encouragement. 
> 
> lastly, whoever you are, i hope you tell someone you care about that you love them, that you're proud of them. i hope you're able to forgive yourself because life is too short not to do any of those things, you know? i hope you have a lovely one. <3


End file.
